Because the folks at Esquire don’t want you to sound like a jackass when talking about booze – and neither do I – they compiled one of the most utilitarian things Miss Wingman has seen in a long time: a guide to pronouncing those tricky scotch names, complete with instructional videos.

(*Let it also be said that Miss Wingman doesn’t want you to look like, dress like, or behave like a jackass as a result of drinking too much booze, either. But that’s a whole other set of rules for a different time.)

Sure, it can be tricky figuring out how where to put the emphasis when you’re saying a brand like “Balvenie” (hint: BAL-venie), or “Glenmorangie” (Glen-MOR-angie), but if you’re having trouble pronouncing “Highland Park,” I think it might be time to cut yourself off.

Granted, not all men drink scotch. Not all men like wagyu kobe beef or C-cups, either. I get it. It’s a matter of taste, and if you want to be un-American, that’s on you, bro. But if you do have a penchant for a smoky single malt or a 15-year blended, it behooves you to at least know how to say it.

Just don’t be the dude who calls out the notes in his drink. Using words like “peaty” and “robust” will immediately make us lose whatever the female version of a hard on is for you, because ‘douchelord’ isn’t sexy. But still, what you drink says a lot about who you are as a person. So at the very least, let who you are be a guy who knows how to pronounce “An Cnoc.” And “Caol Ila.” And for god’s sake, “Laphroaig.” The bartender (and your date) will thank you for it.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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Because someone out there understands the struggle – and has way, way more time on their hands than I do – this video parody of the Tinder dating app has just surfaced. (Also, if you didn’t know what Tinder was without the description, what the eff are you doing on this site?)

While I have little doubt that the people who made this gem will get it picked up as a series, I have even less doubt that dudes like “Trent,” the human embodiment of Goldman fin-ANCE smugness, will ever cease to exist in Manhattan. I know guys like him. I’ve dated guys like him. Hell, make that five.

Never has their been a more spot on representation of the gaping self awareness chasm between people who are on a date where one person thinks it’s going well, and the other person is wondering if their butter knife is sharp enough to open up a vein.

I have so many favorite lines in this (“Now, is that volunteer?”/ “Honestly, I just assumed they had a separate Timber for each borough”/ “It’s like watching a water bed, ughh”), but you can choose your own. It’s pretty long (that’s what she said), but so worth the watch.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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Onedirectionprefss Tumblr

Onedirectionprefss Tumblr

Because nothing’s more appealing than waking up with “dead arm” or peeling her face off of your sweaty chest, now you have even more reason to spoon your woman while you sleep. Or at least, be forced to sleep in some cuddle-like formation. Why? Because science, duh.

Researchers at the University of Hertfordshire (admit it, it sounds way more sophisticated than where you went to school) surveyed 1,000 couples about their sleeping positions, and what they found was that 94% of couples who slept touching one another were happy in their relationships, while a measly 68% of couples who didn’t sleep touching each other reported being satisfied in their relationships.

What’s more, of the couples who said they sleep with less than an inch separation from their partner, 86% of them said they were happy, while only 66% of couples who admitted to sleeping “more than 30 inches from their partner” reported being happy in their relationships.

So basically, spoon us, motherf*%#ers. Or else.

What’s so compelling about this study, other than the fact that way too many people are sleeping with nearly 3 feet between them – seriously, is one of you in a loft? are there bunkbeds? please explain – is that the most popular sleeping position for couples is back to back.

Granted, Miss Wingman doesn’t have a PhD in behavioral science, but maybe this is part of the reason why so many marriages end in divorce. As someone who has been in a past relationship where my partner literally did not acknowledge my physical presence while we slept, I can attest to the physical-distance-to-emotional-distance correlation. When the person you share a bed with doesn’t even throw the occasional arm over you or pull you in close, it makes you feel cold – in a way that pulling the covers up around you won’t fix.

So even though I’ve extolled the virtues of not cuddling us too much before (seriously, there’s a fine line between affection and neediness), allow me to make one caveat – especially while you sleep. Or wake up. Morning sex is pretty stellar, too (so I hear, in case you’re reading this, Mom).

Best case scenario, it ends in a little unexpected romp. Worst case, she complains about you poking her in the back. Either way, it doesn’t require much of you to just reach out.

If you’re lucky enough to be sleeping next to someone you care about, who may or may not be naked in case you need an added incentive, you’re luckier than you think. And your touch could be more meaningful than you think, too. Then you can rest easy knowing that your partner feels really, really loved.GEEK WINGMAN

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Tom Ford For Men Skincare

Tom Ford For Men Skincare

The last time a word made me practically choke while speaking it aloud, it was “brocelet,” (an incarnation of man jewelry, obviously.) But as much as Miss Wingman wants the dictionary of facepalm-inducing terms being added to the dude lexicon to stop growing, I bring you another chance to increase your vocabulary. Behold: “Brosmetics.”

If you’re picturing a guy in Dartmouth Lacrosse shorts wearing guyliner scratching his balls, don’t worry – I did, too. Luckily, it’s not that.

The rise of man makeup started as a quiet rumble several months ago, courtesy of Tom Ford’s new line of products for men. But apparently, it’s steadily crescendoed into…not quite a roar, but at least, like, a louder rumble. This is partially thanks to a recent GQ article by Miss Wingman’s favorite writer and fellow smartass, Drew Magary. If you haven’t read Magary’s stuff on Deadspin (or otherwise), you’re missing out.

So he posed the question, “Will Real Men Ever Wear Makeup?” while using products from companies like Mënaji (huh?), Jane Iredale (who?), and of course, Tom Ford. All while trying to protect his stash from his wife, because duh – if you’re going to own it, we’re going to steal it from your dopp kit, fellas. But even though he was able to draw his own conclusions from this little facial foray, I thought it only appropriate to offer Miss Wingman’s musings as well. Here are…

5 Female Thoughts On Man Makeup:

It’s all about trickery. Welcome to the advertising hellscape that women experience on a daily basis, gentlemen. How does it feel to have things marketed to you using a “Be less ugly,” platform? At least brosmetics companies know the importance of the It’s-Not-Girly-We-Swear presentation, so they use black, gunmetal or cigar box packaging. They might as well put a ribeye, a jock strap and a photo of Kate Upton’s boobs in there, too, just to hammer the testosterone home.

Nice try calling it “urban camouflage,” too. Bitch please. It’s man makeup. Just like the “jitney” is an uber-Hamptonsy way to avoid calling it what it really is, “the bus.”

It feels awesome. It’s OK, we get it. And so do the Koreans, apparently. Man makeup is huge in Asia (who knew?) Even Magary described brushing bronzer onto his face as “delightfully soft, like a tiny puppy is doing somersaults on my cheeks.” Totally, bruh. Not to mention how good it feels to go from looking like Voldemort to a fully-rested, evenly-complexioned person with killer cheekbones.

It won’t last. Face it (no pun intended), men don’t have to attention span or commitment required to adhere to a 15-minute beauty regimen every morning and night. Most of you can’t even be bothered to pick out matching socks. This is fine with us, since you’re largely ignorant of the towel-ruining properties of makeup anyway.

There’s a spectrum. There is a sliding scale of Acceptable Male Grooming vs. “Tha fuck’s on your face?” brosmetic product usage. Intrepid males should find reassurance in the fact that women would generally love for you to exfoliate your faces and clean up those pores. What we don’t want to see is you A) improperly applying concealer or bronzer so that you end up looking like an extra from “Lord Of The Flies.” Blend that shit, it’s not war paint. Or, B) being prettier than us. The ability to cover up blemishes is one of the only things we females get to enjoy over men SO JUST LET US HAVE THAT, OK?

Don’t be afraid to like it. Granted, I wouldn’t be thrilled if the guy I was dating suddenly wore more foundation than those chicks on “Shahs Of Sunset,” but that said – it’s not up to me (even though I will ridicule him for owning THIS.) Society needs to stop telling us what it’s OK to love, and what’s acceptable gender-specific behavior. I’m sick of people being baffled by my love of MMA, or throwing confused looks when I order scotch. So mud mask without shame, gentlemen – it’s 2014. Damn the man, save the Empire.DAPPER WINGMAN

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Photo credit: mikkejohannes

Photo credit: mikkejohannes

10. All of them.

9. All of them.

8. Seriously, not even if you’re standing atop Everest. 

7. The Car Selfie. Creepiest. Thing. Ever. Additional points deducted for forgetting to unbuckle your seatbelt, bro.

6. The Bathroom Mirror Selfie. Really? The least you could do is close the shower curtain.

5. All of them.

4. The Hotel Room Selfie. Just curious, what part of your business stay at the Doubletree in Cleveland did you feel was particularly sexy?

3. The Gym Selfie. No need to hammer home the fact that you spend all your free time getting your swole on. Having traps bigger than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s sorta tipped us off already.

2. All of them. The fuck’s wrong with you?

1. The After Sex Selfie. Congratulations, whoever came up with the Instagram hashtag “#aftersex.” You’ve just surpassed The Westboro Baptist Church’s Fred Phelps and anyone with the last name Kardashian on my Most Hated List! FYI, snapping a picture of your post-coital self is the photo equivalent of TMI. Thanks for the trauma, gross couples of the Internet (and lonely dudes who tag their right hands).

Now find a new hobby.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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Happy MLB Opening Day, Wingman faithful! Since this day makes me almost as giddy as March Madness at large, and since everyone’s brackets have long since been shot to hell anyway, I thought I’d shift my focus to America’s favorite pastime. No, not baseball – proposing at a baseball game.

Because every girl dreams of the most romantic moment of her life being staged at a place where your feet stick to the floor and the line for the ladies room is roughly 45 women deep. Naturally.

Even though Miss Wingman has extolled the virtues of how NOT to propose before (many times), if you absolutely must ignore my advice and put a ring on it during the 7th inning stretch, the folks at Swimmingly have broken down how much it will cost you to pop the question at every major league baseball stadium.

I know it’s called a baseball diamond, people, but perhaps we’re taking it a little too literally here.

Prices for a major league proposal range from $38.50 at the Pittsburgh Pirates’ PNC Park (not surprising, since Pittsburgh is pretty much the Keystone Light of baseball franchises), to $2,500 at Dodger Stadium or a $1,500 package offered by the Washington Nationals, who’re keeping the tradition alive of our nation’s capital absolutely screwing people, financially or otherwise. Keep it classy, L.A. And D.C. fans, may I suggest a Caps game instead…

Unless you and your beloved have some deep sentimental connection to the ball field, I fail to see how a supremely unoriginal proposal idea is worth any amount of money. But if you’re an Orioles, Royals, Blue Jays, Angels or Mets fan, you needn’t worry about it anyway, because proposals aren’t even offered on your home field.

Then again, if you’re a Mets fan, you’ve probably got bigger things to worry about. It would’ve been nice to see someone NOT strike out in your stadium for once, though. Maybe next year.GEEK WINGMAN

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If all my exes lived in Texas, like the song says, I’d be stoked. But unfortunately for this New Yorker, (almost) all of my exes live in Manhattan.


But now I can stop living in perpetual fear that I’ll run into one of them on the 6 train whilst looking post-workout ugly (or worse, when they’re with The Woman Who Came After), because some dudes developed a new location-based avoidance app called Cloak. No, not “Cloak & Dagger” – I wish – that’d be even more awesome.

Billed as the “Anti-Social Network,” Cloak allows you to dodge exes, frenemies, or your coworkers when you’re playing hooky by combing their Instagram and Foursquare accounts for places they’ve recently checked in or taken photos. Cloak stores their profiles and notes your own location and proximity.

If you’re in danger of an unexpected face-to-face, the app sends you a warning message when the user comes within a certain radius. Then voila! You’re free to hightail it across town and immediately start sending, “Oh man, that would’ve sucked!” texts to all your bros. Crisis averted.

So who’re the minds behind this stealthy masterpiece? Developers Brian Moore and Chris Baker, and it was Moore who became fed up after running into his ex four times upon moving to NYC. Ouch. But, since being proactive is always better than reactive, Moore decided this city wasn’t big enough for both of them (Amen, brotha), and set about fixing it.

Granted, even though I’m on good terms with my exes – well, some of them, and some of them I’d just as soon lived on Mars instead of Manhattan – the idea of avoiding awkward encounters sounds good, but it can also be a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it’s natural to want to pare down the amount of social ambushing we experience on any given day. Hell, I’ve started hiding half the people in my newsfeed lately because of their incessant oversharing. In that sense, eliminating drama makes total sense.

On the other hand, how one handles themselves when they’re confronted with these unexpected run-ins reveals a lot about their character. Sure, lobbing a grapefruit at someone who wronged you after you spot them in the produce section at Whole Foods seems appealing, but you’ll learn a lot more about yourself if you take a deep breath and just deal with it.

Eh, on second thought scratch that. Some faces are best just never to be seen again, high road or not. Avoid away, my friends.

The app has yet to integrate Facebook posts or Tweets into their geolocation tool, but it is currently available to iOS users. So if you’re gunning to ditch the shades and hoodie disguise but still want to retreat further from society, here’s your chance, gentlemen.

Just remember that in a world where technology plays genie in the bottle to our every whim, think twice before you digitally disappear. If it’s invisibility you seek, be careful what you wish for.GEEK WINGMAN

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