LIP SERVICE: WHY THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR BEING A BAD KISSER…PAST NINTH GRADE

Maybe it’s because New Years Eve just passed and there was a healthy amount of midnight smooching going on between virtual strangers. Or, maybe it’s because the universe just decided to drop topics into my lap lately by having no less than 3 – yes 3 – female friends complain about recent misadventures of the lip-lock variety. Whatever the reason, I’m taking a stand. Listen up, men: There is no, I repeat NO excuse for being a bad kisser at this age. (*and if you have to wonder if that term includes you, then keep reading…)

Are you 15 and awkwardly making out after school before her parents get home? No?

Then what gives.

One would assume that, whether you’re in your twenties, thirties or beyond, at this point you’ve been in at the very least one serious relationship, so you’ve had constant access to a partner, and ample opportunity for practice. Even if you’ve never been the serious relationship kind, you’ve likely had more than a few dalliances with the opposite sex by now. So, when women are openly voicing their disgust amongst each other, you’ve got some ‘Splaining to do. And I’ve got my work cut out for me.

Every so often I stumble across articles where Ask-A-Chick types give advice to men about techniques in bed or foreplay where they use creepy descriptive words and make you feel like you’re reading soft-core porn. Not my style. What I can tell you is that, if you take nothing else from this or read no further, hear this: slow down. SLOW. DOWN.

There’s a time and a place for aggressive, Mountains-Of-Pent-Up-Sexual-Tension-Between-You-type make out sessions. Rolling around and hair-pulling is all well and good, when it’s called for. But, for the most part, you want to slow down and enjoy each other. So take your time, if you please.

What We Hate: I know a guy who’s nickname amongst the females who knew him was “Rape Mouth.” Yup, it’s true. I said it – and I do so with complete knowledge that making light of rape in any way, shape or form is not OK, so my apologies for repeating this not-so-PC phrase, but it’s for educational purposes. And no, despite being a smart ass, I did not coin the term. He earned that name because he had a tendency to shove his face into yours and gnaw away like you were an ice cream cone that was about to melt at any minute. Afterwards, you felt violated.

The takeaway? Please don’t press your faces up against ours so hard. Please remember to pull back and take a breath every once in a while. Please don’t lead with your teeth – ever. And please stick to the actual vicinity of her lips. I also know a story about a girl whose face was licked during a make out session like he was a Golden Retriever (or Charlotte, below). I am still traumatized from hearing her tell it.

What We Like: I can’t speak for every girl, but I can tell you that for the most part women like a confident kisser. You know you’re confident when you can put little pauses in the action, playfully bite her lower lip (I said playfully – light and infrequent is the key) or put both hands on either side of her face.

There’s something about seeing a man kiss his woman while holding her face that is just too sweet – like he really, really means it. If none of this is your style, then feel free to improvise. Kissing shouldn’t be choreographed, it shouldn’t feel contrived, and it should vary greatly from one partner to the next. After a few seconds of it, you’ll be able to tell her style and, if you want, take her lead.

Please try to keep the spit thing under control, and for god’s sake don’t cram your tongues down our throats. Remember also that we wear lip gloss/stick/makeup in general, so there’s a solid chance that, if the kissing was extensive enough, when you pull back and look at us we may look a little…worse for the wear.

Likewise, if you have stubble or facial hair, don’t be surprised if our face looks like the skin equivalent of furniture stripped with sandpaper afterwards. Ouch.

I can’t even believe I’m having to lay this all out for you, but apparently some guidelines were in order. Also, fret not – I’d say the vast majority of men fall squarely in the “you’re doing fine” part of the bell curve. But if you were worried that you’re an outlier, perhaps this will help.

Whatever your method, remember this – kissing should be fun, and you should do it often. And if you needed this refresher course to get you back on track, don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret. I promise – my lips are sealed.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

 

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2 thoughts on “LIP SERVICE: WHY THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR BEING A BAD KISSER…PAST NINTH GRADE

  1. Yup Brad is pretty bad at kissing, but just think of all the other possibilities of all that tongue action! I don’t think you can always point the finger at the guy though. I can point to a few ladies along the way that I’m guessing didn’t have all that practice you spoke of making out before her parents got home!

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