NICKNAMES: SURPRISE, WE HAVE THEM FOR YOU GUYS, TOO

Men can be shameless. I say this less as an accusation and more as an actual fact, having sat in on my fair share of conversations where phrases were tossed around that would horrify regular people. But, luckily for all of you, I’m not only NOT “regular people” (my insult threshold is high thanks to some seriously offensive friends), but I’ve also managed to pick up a thing or two about how you refer to the fairer sex.

Newsflash, boys: We do it, too. Actually, I’d say we do it better. Nicknames, whether they arise out of necessity – because you can’t remember the person’s actual name – or just for fun, are an inevitability. What you may not have realized though, is that women are ten times more ruthless when it comes to this kind of thing. And we spread gossip like wildfire.

Right about now, all of you should be wondering nervously if you’ve ever been given a nickname unbeknownst to you. And if you have to wonder, the answer is probably “yes.”

My male friends have shared with me funny nicknames they commonly use, ranging from the innocent: “Megan Questionmark?” because they didn’t know if that was her actual name and couldn’t verify after their drunken introduction, to the offensive: “Gremlin” because you can’t take her out in the daylight.

There are also nicknames based on personal appearance: “T–s on a stick,” because her body was so disproportionate, “Hot from far, far from hot” for obvious reasons. And then there are nicknames men have given girls based off of their actions – one that starts with “Hand” and ends with “job” (eek, sorry mom) and my personal favorite, “Herps,” for the girl who lead off conversation with the fact that she thought she might have Herpes.

*Note to females: Really? You’re not doing yourself any favors there, if you can’t be classy, at least don’t offer up the ammo for people to mock you. This is why girls get called chickenheads, seriously.

On the flip side of the coin, some of my favorite female-conjured nicknames have been a lot more pointed and mean. “Bizkit” referred to a guy who’s, um, shortcomings shared the same word as a 90s band with a similar two-name title; “Lisper” referred to a guy whose speech impediment drove everyone crazy. Then there was “J—off Jaime (name changed, I’m not that mean),” who someone once walked in on while he was…busy. And, the one that I promise I had no part in coining, “Cider House,” because the guy looked like he could’ve been a migrant worker. (I know, I said my friends were offensive, sorry).

Reaching way back, some unfortunate guys went all through college being referred to only as “Boy with a complex,” “Boy who was pants’d,” “Dandruff Dave,” and “(So and So) Who slept with his RA.” More recently, some poor fools were dubbed, “The Cuddler” (for excessive hugging while sleeping), “Quick Stop” (stamina was not his strong point apparently) and finally, “Hoodie.” That last one doesn’t have to do with what he did but rather what he had, or rather didn’t have, as a baby. Not his fault, and hats off to the clever (if super mean) girl who came up with it. You’re definitely going to hell for that one.

And don’t forget about the girls who branded one guy for his bad kissing (“Rape Mouth”) and, taking this one step farther, the coworker I once had who called a guy “GPS,” because he couldn’t have found his way around a woman’s body if he’d had one strapped to his hands, apparently. Told you, we can be brutal.

So the next time you’re considering calling a woman something other than her name, just remember that it all comes back around eventually. No matter whether it’s a recap of our bedroom adventures or just an honest dissection of your appearance, women can stand toe-to-toe with you any day of the week, and twice on Sunday.

So be nice, use discretion and try to remember the Golden Rule. Or if not, just hope that your conversation doesn’t get back to her – you know what they say about karma.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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