I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: HOW TO HAVE ‘THE CONVERSATION’

Ain’t love grand? You can’t stop thinking about someone, you smile uncontrollably – it’s an all-consuming affair. With Valentine’s Day upon us tomorrow, mushy displays of affection abound. But what if the person you’re with doesn’t conjure such gooey, lovey dovey feelings? In fact, what if you’d just as soon take them or leave them? Yikes. Sounds like you’ve got a case of the “Eh-You’re-Cool-But-I’m-Kinda-Indifferent-About-You’s.” Sucks to be them.

A telltale sign that you fall into this category might be that, for instance, if they called you and asked if you wanted to hang out and you were home on your couch doing nothing, you’d still prefer that over motivating to see them. Ouch.

So what do you do if this predicament describes you? You’ve got a choice. You can either ignore it and hope that your girlfriend (or boyfriend) doesn’t notice that you’ve emotionally checked out, or you can have “the Conversation.” (Insert ‘dun dun dunnnn’ music here for dramatic effect).

In all honesty though, who wants to have that conversation? Not this girl. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t the necessary – and courteous – thing to do. How do you tell someone that they like you more than you like them? Do you just say, “You’re cool and all but I’m just doing this for now, because it’s there (read: it’s convenient to be getting laid regularly)?” Or say, “I don’t consider you my girlfriend, in fact most days I don’t consider you at all?” Neither would go over well, for obvious reasons.

Or you can take the more mathematical approach and say, “On a scale of 1 to 10, my interest in you hovers at a solid 4. OK fine, it’s a 5. Six! Six, I meant six, please stop crying.” Or else try, “You know how when you’re really into someone, you get butterflies and miss them when they’re not around? Riiiight, I don’t feel that way about you at all. Not even a little.”

Face it, there’s no easy way to tell someone this, because you know it’s going to hurt to hear. This is why people avoid having that conversation like the plague. Like. The. Plague.

In some instances, the person you’re with will force the issue by asking you outright to DTR (Define The Relationship, in case you’re not a seventh grader like I am). In that case, you can take their lead and hope for the best. This is the preferred method, since it just requires that you not lie to them, and not that you initiate.

But, if your insignificant other never calls you out on it, how do you make it clear that the scales are unbalanced? Try the, “I think we’re looking for different things,” route. This is the safest route, in my opinion. Then explain that you don’t really want to be in a relationship – and hope she doesn’t hate you when she finds out you found someone better a week later and you’ve wifed up already.

You can take the brutally honest route and say, “Is it wrong that when I’m with you, I’m secretly scanning over top of your head to see if someone better comes along? Also, if given the choice between hanging out with you or a cheese sandwich and a Family Guy rerun, you’d lose the face off. Sorry.” I probably wouldn’t recommend that, though.

Either way, even if you can’t see yourself ending up with this person, hopefully you’ll have some compassion and consideration for their feelings. In which case, you should A) try to break it to them lightly that they should manage their expectations of you, and then B) expect that they’ll probably bolt after that conversation. It’d take a case of grievously wounded self esteem for someone to stick around after that – either that or you’re just too good in bed to give up on. Ha, who are we kidding? The former is more likely.

I kid, I kid. But if you want to move forward and find someone who actually makes you  happy, you need to suck it up and just tear the band-aid off swiftly. It might make for a seriously uncomfortable few minutes, but in the end it’s the right thing to do – for both of you. Good luck, god speed, and don’t forget to warm up the getaway car.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Don’t forget to tune into Sirius’s WakeUp! With Taylor on February 14th at 8:40 a.m. Eastern to hear more of Miss Wingman’s Valentine’s Day musings, or just check out USA Today (print copy or website) for a Miss Wingman Op-ed. Don’t have Sirius? Get a free trial subscription here.

Are you following Miss Wingman on Twitter and Facebook? What better way to say “I like you” this Valentine’s Day? Hit up @misswingman or facebook.com/misswingman. I also take requests, email misswingman@gmail.com. Get involved!

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