Happy Friday, Wingman faithful. I’m back on U.S. soil and back in the dating horror story groove. This week we have another one from the male perspective. Keep ‘em coming, boys. Even though women are more outspoken about their dating disasters, for some reason the guy stories always amuse me to no end. I suppose crazy really is a two-way street. Our tale of misery comes to us from Pete in “South Jersey,” who found out that the only thing worse than an awkward night is sharing it with a third (or fourth) party.

Phyllis, the Kindergarten teacher-turned-model: “I’ve only spent a total of a few weeks doing online dating in my entire life because my buddy convinced me to try one of the free sites. After a few dud dates and this last girl, I’ve thrown in the towel – I’ll take my chances with the non-cyber population, thanks.

I met this girl in January and emailed back and forth with her a few times. She was very attractive (so much so that it made me wonder why she was even on a dating website) and I was stoked when she agreed to grab dinner a few weeks ago. We hit up a place near both of us and, when we sat down, she was facing a mirror over my head (and I was facing the bar and a wall of TV’s). This was the first problem because she spent the whole night looking at herself, fixing her hair, and generally mugging in the mirror. If I managed to not stare at the Sixers game on behind you, you should be able to hold the narcissism for a few hours. And you ladies talk about guys having bad manners?

As far as the conversation went, it was fine – not great but not terrible. She wasn’t the most interesting, but we only had 2 awkward silences which, for a date, isn’t that bad. I guess you don’t need to be much of a conversationalist when you’re that good looking, but if things had gone better I would’ve eventually liked for her to have had a little more to offer in the personality department.

She told me how she used to be a teacher but had recently started picking up work as a model and decided to switch careers since the money was better. She also told me she doesn’t really talk to anyone in her family, and that she hasn’t seen her siblings in years. That last part was a little weird and probably an over-share on a first date, for what it’s worth.

But the real problem started when a couple came in and was seated two tables away from us. I noticed her eyes dart up and follow them in the mirror as they walked by, and her facial expression visibly changed. I asked if she was OK and she whispered to me that the guy was her ex boyfriend, and that the girl was his new(ish) girlfriend. She apparently hadn’t seen him in several months, and I got the impression it was a drama-filled break up. I almost started laughing it was so awkward. Who runs into an ex on a date and gets seated near them?

To make matters worse, he was sitting on the same side as me, so they were basically facing each other five feet apart. At this point, I didn’t even care about the Sixers game, the better action was happening at our table. She lost her train of thought and was too flustered to tell the rest of the story she’d started, and they kept stealing glances at each other. It was so awful.

This went on until we finished our meal (longest 45 minutes of my life) and when we got up to leave (the date was clearly over at this point) she didn’t acknowledge them, just left. I gave the dude a nod and headed out to the parking lot, where I then had to listen to her tell me all about their relationship, break up, how she didn’t expect to ever have to see him again, etc etc etc. Did I mention we were outside, in February? Yeah, not ideal.

But the date finally ended when I tried to make her feel better and said, “Well if it’s any consolation, the girl he was with wasn’t even that cute, she was just average” AND SHE BURST INTO TEARS. We both called it a night right then and there. I’ve never been so happy to get into my car in my life. Needless to say, I cancelled my account after that. No amount of hooking up I could score from those sites is worth the drama that comes with it.”

Pete: You sure about that last statement? How very un-guylike of you. A few things here: 1) You’re lucky the girl her ex was with didn’t have a ring on her finger, then you probably would’ve had to grab the butter knives off the table and hide them, 2) There is nothing worse than a hot girl (or guy, for that matter) who KNOWS they’re hot, it kills the appeal instantly, and 3) Who the heck, after 1968, names their kid Phyllis anymore? Did she also have a sister named Joyce or Barbara? Or Muriel? Talk about a throwback.

Women need to learn that, no matter what drama is swirling around in their heads, don’t spew it forth onto guys. That’s what our girl friends are for, ladies, men just zone out and look for any available outlet to escape the hail storm of emotions. Also, even without the ex theatrics, the mirror thing would’ve driven me nuts. Not to mention the crying – guys don’t do well with girl tears, understandably so. And did I mention her name was Phyllis?

Sorry the chips didn’t fall in your favor man, but at least you found out about her baggage early on and could spare yourself the trouble. The only thing worse than talking about past loves on a date is actually seeing them, and for that you should be commended for not breaking out into nervous, uncontrollable laughter. Better luck next time. I hope you at least made it home to catch the end of the game. Oh wait, you said the Sixers? Nevermind.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>