HOW TO NOT MAKE AN ASS OUT OF YOURSELF TRAVELING WITH A GIRL

‘Tis the season for traveling to see the ones you love. Or, as may be the case, traveling with the one you love – or at least the one you’re kind of into at the moment. No matter where you’re headed, if you’re traveling for the first time with your significant other, the potential for uncomfortable moments is high.

So if you’re worried about how to streamline your hotel cohabitation, I’m here to help you navigate the how-to-travel-with-a-chick waters.  Heed my advice, and with any luck it won’t land you both at destination: awkward.

To make things easier, I’ll break it down into the actions you’ll encounter from the moment you decide to hit the road until the minute you check out. First things first: Booking your trip.

Did you invite her on this little getaway? Well then, it’s on you to choose the appropriate accommodations, boys. So do you spring for the swanky digs or go budget on our asses? Well speaking of asses, if you intend to get any from us, you’d do well to choose the former. No one says you have to break the bank or go Five Star, but just make sure there’s an “h” at the beginning of “otel,” and not an “m.” No one likes motor inns, not even truckers.

Next is the bigger booking question: one bed or two? The answer here is simple. Have you done the deed yet? If so, a king-sized bed will clearly suffice. But if not, and you’ve been holding off (wait, do people still do that?) then don’t assume she’ll be willing to spoon you all night. Or fork you, for that matter. Better to get the room with two beds and let her make that game time decision.

Once you’ve arrived at your hotel, you’ll have to deal with tipping. The rule? If you have to question whether or not a gratuity is customary at any given moment, the answer is probably “yes.” Dig into your pockets, dudes, because nothing is more awkward than having a hotel employee linger while you look clueless or cheap. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: frugal isn’t sexy.

Wait, I was wrong, there is something more awkward than that: the issue of sharing a bathroom (*insert disgusted head shake here).

I can’t even believe I have to spell this out, but if you’re unclear as to what to do about number two, take it from Miss Wingman: scope out the lobby bathroom situation. Under no circumstances should you…ahem, relieve yourselves in a communal room. I don’t care how urgently nature calls, don’t answer. Nothing is less attractive than stinky male bathroom habits in poorly ventilated spaces.

And if you absolutely have no alternative, save it for your pre-shower routine. Just remember to run the water – what we don’t know can’t hurt us.

But while we’re on the topic of showering, there’s another pitfall to avoid – nose blowing. Men are gross, we know this. You pee in the shower, clear your noses, and all manner of other things we’d just as soon not have evidence of. So spare us the audible clues, because yes, we can hear you. And yes, we’re grossed out.

Apart from bathing, the other travel difference you’ll notice between you and us is grooming habits. Chances are, the girl you’re traveling with brought a veritable Duane Reade aisle’s worth of products with her. We’d prefer that you don’t notice that it involves this many cosmetics for us to look our best, but hey – sometimes we require assistance. Just do yourselves a favor, ignore the fact that the counter top looks like a Sephora and don’t point it out.

Moving right along… the issue of getting ready to go out. This one’s simple. However long it usually takes you to get dressed, quadruple that if you’re traveling with a girl. We realize that we packed three suitcases for a two-night stay, but in our minds this is totally reasonable. Just patiently flip through the TV channels while we try on every outfit we brought, ask your opinion of them, and then ignore your advice in end.

Be prepared while playing the role of hotel guest to have at least one member of the staff mistake you and your female companion as husband and wife. The proper response does not include snorting with laughter and saying, “Who her? Pshhht. That is so NOT my wife,” or a vehement denial of any sort. That probably won’t get you any action, and speaking of action…

The sleeping arrangement. You can pretty much bet the house that we A) chose what to wear to bed after much deliberation, and B) will try to sneak out of bed to put on makeup and brush our teeth before you wake up in the morning, if at all possible. Please match our level of consideration by not snoring like a buzz saw or forgetting to, um…come prepared. Rule of thumb: we assume that you assume that you’ll get lucky. It may seem presumptuous on your part, but better to be safe than sexually frustrated. And if for some reason she freezes you out, there’s always Pay Per View porn.

Kidding.

If all goes well, your first time travel with your lady will not only be smooth sailing, but will also make – not break – your relationship. Spending ’round the clock time with someone, especially in close quarters, is the quickest way to figure out if you’re meant to be, or just meant to beeline to the hotel bar to escape.

Best case scenario, you’ll be planning your next getaway together. And worst case scenario, you’ll be fake-sleeping the entire way home to avoid conversation. Watch your manners, don’t steal the mini shampoos, and remember to hang the Do Not Disturb sign on the door.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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