Whilst trolling the web today, Miss Wingman came across something so disturbing it made me stop in my tracks. It was so unnerving, so heinous and ill-advised, that I just couldn’t help but comment to you, the reading masses.

So brace yourselves, boys, because what I’m about to show you is in no way endorsed by this site, myself personally, or I’m pretty sure females ANYWHERE.

What could possibly offend me more than the punishing, excruciating cold we’re being served up by Mother Nature this week? THIS.

Yes, the style blogs are now reporting the return of the Man Turtleneck. (Thanks a lot, Paris Fashion Week runways). But please, ignore this trending alert. Shun it, avert your eyes, and if any of your buddies attempts to pull this off, it is your duty as a card-carrying member of the testosterone club to point/laugh/refuse to be seen with him until he changes his clothes.

It’s OK, really. I give you permission.

Now, I know it’s frigid as hell right now. (And no, even an ass raping by Old Man Winter isn’t grounds to bust out those 180′s, boys – I know some of you are contemplating it). But even a severe cold snap is no excuse for wearing the Man Turtleneck.

Are you Steve Jobs? Is this 2nd grade and you’re also wearing bib-front snow pants? No? Then cut that sh*t out. Mock or full-neck, cable knit or just cotton, I can’t think of a single instance where I’ve thought a man looked sexy wearing this. Or would consider sleeping with him. Sure, male models with their chiseled jaw lines and perfect pecs look like they can pull this off. But I assure you, even they look douchey to women.

And trying to hide it under a rugged jacket or pair it with a sports coat isn’t acceptable, so don’t try to sneak that by us, either. Just stick to your regulation wool sweaters and cozy flannels until the mercury stops assaulting us, and I assure you your love life will fare much better than the dude’s who tries to look like the 4th member of The Lonely Island.

If you’re still unclear about what’s considered acceptable male fashion trends, gentlemen, then stick to this rule of thumb: If childhood pictures exist of you wearing said item (or worse, wearing matching outfits with your siblings), please leave that trend where it belongs…retired, permanently. Good luck, stay warm, and for the love of God, just invest in a scarf.DAPPER WINGMAN

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  1. Are you absolutely certain about this? What about Sterling Archer and the Tactical Turtleneck?
    I didn’t keep the receipt on my grey alpaca turtleneck. What should I do with it now?

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