VALENTINE’S ADVICE FOR LOVERS, THE LOVELORN & THE “IS IT OVER YET?” CROWD

Ain’t love grand? Eh, that depends on who you ask actually. And on Valentine’s Day of all days (Jesus, is it here again already?) you’re bound to get a variety of answers.

But whether you’re a V-Day hater, a serious dater, or would just as soon wipe it from the calendar altogether, there’s fun to be had by everyone today – just as long as you know where to look.

Enter Miss Wingman to help you safely navigate the Cupid-filled waters. Here’s my fail-safe advice for those in the market, off the market, or flipping the market the bird (I’m looking at you, recent breaker-uppers).

For the happy couples: If you fall into this category…wait why are you even reading this site? And also, congrats, I hope you’re both punch drunk in love. I only have two pieces of advice for you: 1) Make the holiday perfectly suit your couple style – don’t worry what everybody else is up to – it’s about what you enjoy doing. And 2) If you decide to pop the question today, please do us all a favor and don’t Facebook/Instagram/Tweet a photo of just your giant sparkly ring.

Wait, what? Why can’t we share our happiness with the world, you ask? You can. Just upload a photo of the two of you together, smiling, or even a solo shot with your beaming face front and center (and yes, the ring too, I get it). Anything but the dreaded detached hand Look-What-I-Got picture – dubbed the worst form of e-bragging by the folks at New York Magazine.

And why is that such Internet blasphemy? Truth be told, I’m not among the outraged, but I’d guess this is the cause of their beef: Because you’re marrying a man, not a ring, and excited as you are, you should put the focus on what’s really important. Baubles are nice, but not as wonderful as your beau is (at least we hope).

For single men: One word…jackpot. That’s right. Take a knee, dudes, and bow down before the awesome power that is women desperately wanting to shed their single status. It’s like it’s raining va-jay-jay, and the wise man left his umbrella at home.

True, not all women fall into this category, there are plenty of them out there who proudly wave the “I Don’t Need No Man” flag. But those women are called lesbians. Or feminists. (And they obviously suck at grammar, too). Either way, you’re dealing with a different sample space, boys.

*Miss Wingman note: I kid, I kid. Only MOST of the “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” crowd can be classified in the above manner (OK fine, some of those women, whatever). I know plenty of ladies who are neither gay nor angry Femme-Nazis who don’t feel anxious to land a man. They’re called “independent” and “confident,” and they’re pretty damn stellar in fact.

Jeez, since when did sarcasm need qualifiers? Sigh…

But back to the “you’re likely to score” thing. The fact is that few things remind us of our single-dom more than Valentine’s Day. (I’d call it “the dreaded VD,” but that can carry a different connotation entirely). Yes February 14th, New Year’s Eve, and pretty much every time one of our friends gets married brings with it a healthy b*tch slap from Cupid himself.

So it stands to reason that women will likely be out, will be boozing, and will definitely lower their standards from “Prince Charming” to “Eh, you’ll do” just for the night. Go forth and wreak havoc, gentlemen, just bring your manners and your game face.

For single women: Despite the aforementioned comments, I feel you. Let’s be honest, I am you, in a manner of speaking. That’s why I recognize that you can choose to fall into one of two categories here: Those that acknowledge all of the other forms of love that they’ve been blessed with (think nieces/nephews/friends) and celebrate it, or those that get stuck on what – or who – is missing from their lives. I respect whichever one you pick, but the former will make for a more enjoyable day.

So grab a friend or three and hit the bars (but watch out for those trolling men), or a spinning class, or the couch with a good movie – wherever makes you feel good, really.

Notice I didn’t say “go out to dinner.” Pfffft, b*tch please. I know better. Who wants to be surrounded by all those kissing couples and get hit with a prix fixe menu, amirite ladies? It’ll be like “Galentine’s Day” all over again, since technically that shiz already passed.

And just in case you choose the hunker-down-with-wine-in-someone’s-living-room route, there are a few fun distractions waiting for you online.

Recently broken up? Didn’t end well? Have no fear, revenge seekers, the website Dirty Rotten Flowers has you covered. Instead of the usual long-stemmed roses and candy, this site will send your ex a bouquet of dead and wilted blossoms and a stuffing-exposed teddy bear that looks like he was run over by car. Or an 18-wheeler. It’s a not-so subtle way to tell your former flame what you really think of him or her…delivery style.

Or, if you’re the social media-addicted type, you might try to wipe any evidence of your ex from your Facebook profile. Think of it as the “I want my stuff back” part of the break up, in cyber form. Now the mobile program Kill Switch can do the dirty work for you.

Heartbroken? You’re in luck – there’s an app for that.

The program essentially identifies all messages, photos, wall posts, etc. associated with your ex and gives you the option to either delete them or quarantine them in a secret folder within your account. You know, so you can go back and peep them later, should you have a change of heart. Just remember, this form of clean up requires that you actually remain on your ex’s friend list, and vice versa, for it to work. Yeah, good luck with that.

And lastly, if you’re not broken up yet but still looking for trouble, you can always hit up sites like Ashley Madison, the preferred platform of cheaters everywhere. Touting itself as the place for “discreet encounters” for those either married or dating, it’s a veritable buffet of people looking to stray. I’ll reserve my complete thoughts on this service and simply say this: despicable. If you’re inclined to partake, you should be inclined to have the balls to end the relationship first. End of story.

But if all of that doesn’t cheer you up, you can always take time out from making fun of your ex’s cheesy engagement photos and scoping your high school crush’s Tumblr to put pen to paper. Grab some single, holiday-hating friends and start brainstorming a list of people you KNOW you’re having a better Valentine’s Day than – go on, it’s fun!

I’ll start…

Tierra from “The Bachelor” (or any of the cast off broads, really). Because the only thing worse than being sent home is being dumped and then having to watch your ex making out with a dozen women on broadcast television.

Lance Armstrong – Does this one really beg an explanation?

Taylor Swift, though frankly she’ll parlay her bad love life into inspiration for more platinum albums. Personally, I’d rather devour some ice cream and call it a day.

Kris Humphries – Because the only thing worse than divorce is watching your ex become someone else’s baby mama in record time. Walk that one off, man, you didn’t want to be known as Mr. Kim Kardashian for the rest of your life, did you?

Bethenny Frankel – And believe me, it pains me to say this, because I really like her. Though come to think of it, not as much as I like her ex. Jason, if you’re reading this, call me, maybe?

A flower delivery person. Suuuucks to be them today. And finally…

Cop-killer and fugitive Christopher Dorner. Did your week end in a fiery standoff? No? Then you’re in way better shape, trust me.

That’s it, lovebirds. That’s literally all she wrote. Enjoy the day – or blot it out, your choice – but either way, here’s hoping something makes you smile today. If it’s any consolation, Miss Wingman loves writing for each and every one of you. May all of your hearts be similarly full, and if they can’t be, may your cup always be full (of vodka). Cheers  –MW.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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