THE INK LINK: WHAT YOUR TATTOO PLACEMENT SAYS ABOUT YOU

Maybe it’s because Miss Wingman has recently spent time in sunnier climates, but all those shirtless men got me thinking… Summer’s right around the corner, boys. (OK fine, maybe not around the corner, but with any luck it’ll be here before we know it). And, lucky for us, that means that you’ll be shedding those layers and showing a little skin. Thus, you might want to know what message your tattoo(s) send to the female population.

So if you’re inked up, listen up, because I’m talking to you.

Full disclosure, Miss Wingman has some ink of her own. How much? None of your damn business. Unless you know me personally (those in the know, know). That said, one of the most annoying questions you can ask a tattooed person is the meaning behind their design. Even the most well thought-out artwork can sound trite when explained in brief.

So, far be it from me to judge the inspiration behind your tats, but I will tell you what their placement on your body says to women at large.

Forearm: Whether you’re a hipster, a musician, or just fancy yourself a tough guy, this spot isn’t just for sailors and inmates anymore. You can’t go wrong with a well-placed forearm tattoo, it’s one of Miss Wingman’s personal favorites. And pretty damn sexy if you ask me. That said, it’s also highly visible real estate, so make sure whatever you’re rocking is worthy of display (but we’ll get to that later).

Knuckles, wrists, elbows: Hey, if you can take the pain, more power to you. It’s a bold display but one that women don’t mind at all. Just don’t pull a Rick Ross and get “GFID” on your digits (meaning “God Forgives, I Don’t”). That’s just downright terrifying.

Bicep: I’m not anti-bicep tattoo at all, for the record. I am, however, totally anti-tribal armband or barbed wire armband. Why? Because unless you’re in prison or “down the shore” (that’s the Jersey shore, for the uninitiated), you have no excuse for such douchery. Is your name Vin Diesel? No? Then cut that sh*t out.

Chest: This is another winner with the ladies, but only if you have pecs like the aforementioned. Just steer clear of things that take up your whole chest. Quotes? Good. Serpents and giant crucifixes? Bad.

Everywhere: If you’re so covered that blank skin is a scarce commodity, this is alarming as all hell to us. Close-minded? Perhaps, but even the guy from “Prison Break” looked creepy in blanket ink, and he was smokin’ hot.

Back: This one’s a matter of geography. If your back was a map of the U.S., then anything in the Maine to Oregon/Washington vicinities is A-OK. Upper back/shoulder pieces are pretty manly, as far as ink goes. It also doesn’t hurt if you look like David Beckham, for the record.

But if it’s in the Florida/Texas/Southern California region? Dicey, to say the least. Why? Because tramp stamps aren’t hot on guys. Hell, some of you would argue they’re not even hot on women.  Best to avoid, in this girl’s opinion.

Ribs: Having amassed some personal experience with this one, all I can say is that if you rock the rib tat, you are – in a word – hardcore. Two thumbs up. One for it looking cool, and one for your incredibly high threshold for pain.

Legs: Again, a matter of northern vs. southern hemispheres. Thigh: good. Calf? Just fine. Ankle? Eh, not so much.

Maybe it’s because that’s another area commonly associated with female artwork, but a good rule of thumb is this: If we’re able to make an X-chromosome association with your tat, that’s generally not winning you any points for masculinity. Better to go with somewhere tougher, like your face.

I’m kidding. Please don’t.

Tattoos above the shoulders typically come down to execution and context. As in, it depends on how aesthetically pleasing they are, and what the person sporting them is like. Neck tat on a creative, independent type? Can definitely be pulled off, and I’ve seen some dudes do it well. Face tat indicating how many kills you’ve had? No bueno. Tear drops only work if you’re on “The Wire.” Sorry guys.

What are some other places we’d scratch our heads if we found a little skin art? These are pretty self-explanatory I think… groin, arse, belly button region, eyes. You know – the usual.

Whatever your preferred locale, wear it proudly. But allow me to end this post with a plea for all of you considering adornment: Think before you ink. Make sure you really like what you’ve chosen. And then sleep on it some more.

I say this from experience (but no worries, some talented cover artists and hours of pain have restored my love in all of my artwork). Consider it a Miss Wingman PSA, especially if you care what the ladies think.

So, here’s to the hope of warmer weather and a little beach time in your future. You don’t need to cover your tats up on our account, unless it’s with sunscreen, of course.DAPPER WINGMAN

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