They say only two things in life are guaranteed. No, not that every Kardashian will get their own reality spinoff and that Miley Cyrus will end up working the pole – but those are strong bets, too. Nay! Death and taxes, gentlemen. That’s what you have to look forward to (incidentally, I probably won’t drink to that).

But now that your tax return has been filed (or at least it should’ve been, slacker), you may be asking yourself, “What should I do with all of that cheddar Uncle Sam will be tossing my way?”

Wait, what’s that you say? You owe the government money? Ha, well then sucks to be you. All the rest of us poverty-stricken kids get rewarded for our beggared lives by being handed back a portion of our meager pittance wages. Income? What’s that?

But even if your tax return was in the negative this year, you can still partake in the fun suggested below. It’ll just have to be out of pocket. Um, and feel free to spot the rest of us a couple bucks, while you’re at it.

I give you The Top 5 Ways To Blow Your Tax Return Dollars… (other than hookers and blow, obvi). Because saving is for suckers, y’all.

5) Take her to dinner. The Federal Treasury doesn’t need to have coughed up a boatload of cash for you to wine and dine your dame du jour on the government’s dime. I’ll bet that here are plenty of moderately priced little gems hidden throughout your city. If you happen to live in NYC, one such place is west village standout Buvette. From the oh-my-god-you-have-to-taste-this dishes (mostly small plates, but still) to the cozy decor (a garden space, score!), this French-inspired gastroteque will leave you swooning. And, more importantly, her.

4) Treat yourself to tickets. Sporting events and live music are Miss Wingman’s favorite  luxury indulgences. Well, that and Chanel…but we’ll keep it simple, boys. Whether you prefer just behind the dugout, or floor seats for your favorite band, nothing breaks up your usual routine like skipping the bar scene for a night. Or three. It is festival season, after all. Plus, you might get lucky and score seats next to a stunner – you never know.

If you live in NYC, artists like Fun., Bon Jovi, Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake will be playing outdoor shows this summer. Plus there’s always a Yankee game (or that other team, what’s their name again?) And if you live in another city, like Boston, check your local Time Out listings.

3) Score some new clothes. Some what? You know, that sh*t that you pull on over your limbs every day? That stuff’s supposed to be coordinated in a stylish, deliberate way, just in case no one told you. I know, guys hate shopping. But you just have to find your one vice to make it fun (sneakers? Italian suits? accessories? it all works – except brocelets). If you’re looking for a new go-to spot in lower Manhattan, check out Soho’s Carson Street Clothiers.

Sartorially savvy dudes know that this uber-hip (but not hipster d-bag) menswear boutique is where guy’s guys can go to find everything from on-site tailoring, to Blind Barber grooming products (not to mention kicks and shades in every style). Boasting their own private label as well as designers like Michael Bastian, Ian Velardi, Inis Meain, Mark McNairy and Ovadia & Sons (seriously, learn those names, please), Carson Street Clothiers should be on every man’s radar – and Amex statement.

2) Get outta town. Summer Friday’s are so close we can almost taste them. So why not plan a quickie getaway while the weather’s warm? Spots like Shelter Island’s Rams Head Inn and Rhinebeck’s quaint and historic Beekman Arms provide the perfect reasonably priced change of scenery within a manageable drive of the city. That’s New York City – the only one that matters, duh.

And finally…

1) Give back. But not to the government! OK fine, so I’ve already emphasized the importance (not to mention sexiness factor) of dudes who volunteer and give to charity, but just hear me out. If you find yourself with a small cash infusion (and some equally resourceful friends), you can channel something you’re interested in into something that helps the greater good.

Case in point? Beastie Boys badass Mike D and his Rockaway Plate Lunch Truck project. Launched in response to Hurricane Sandy’s devastation, Diamond and his hospitality industry buddies decided to pay homage to this beloved surf spot by feeding hot food to those who were out there helping to fix it up.

All it took was some initial paper (that’s where your tax return comes in, fellas), a good idea (seriously, who doesn’t love food trucks?!) and a desire to better the situation of those volunteers and residents left powerless and hungry while digging the beach – and their homes – out of the wreckage. Not to mention donations of food, time and manpower by Diamond and his restauranteur crew.

They’ve served up more than 19,000 free meals since the storm to appreciative, determined people. And since Mike D is who he is (read: my favorite), he can’t stop – won’t stop – and neither will they. Now if that doesn’t inspire you, I don’t know what will.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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