The same kind of a$$hole who would spend thousands – or less, David’s Bridal’s aight, too – on a dress, only to immediately destroy it after you wore it. Who would do such a thing, right? Apparently, these people.
I know news outlets, The Knot and opportunistic photographers are trying to convince us that “Wedding Dress Trashing” is a thing right now, but let me clear something up: F–k these people. These people are morons. You know what else is a thing? Midget tossing, but you don’t see me grabbing the first little person I see on the sidewalk and punting them, because some s**t, while technically possible, just doesn’t need to be done.
Like setting your wedding dress on fire, or jumping into a body of water with a strong current wearing 20 lbs of satin and tulle (and then drowning, sadly), all so that it would make for an awesome Facebook album or get your Instagram featured on The Wedding Channel.
What the f–k, people? Are you stupid? Has it completely escaped you that there might be better things to do with that dress? Obviously. So here’re a few suggestions, just in case your creativity checked out along with your judgment.
Pass it down. Got kids? Plan on having any? Maybe you’ll have a daughter one day who really appreciates the sentiment behind wearing your repurposed dress. Or a son. Because hey – it’s 2013, and that works, too.
Get crafty. Martha Stewart has made an empire out of doing things with scissors and a hot glue gun that no person without an overabundance of time should ever do. I mean, I’m probably not going to make keepsake throw pillows out of my hypothetical dress to my hypothetical husband one day, but whatever, maybe you will. Who doesn’t love throw pillows?
(Lots of people, actually.)
Or bust your dress out at the divorce party all of your friends know is eventually coming to help laugh about your failed marriage and lack of foresight. Bonus self-esteem points if it still fits! Or do housework in it. Mow the lawn in it. Hell, watch the Clippers game in it with a beer on your couch, I don’t care. Just don’t destroy it doing your best Steve-O impersonation. Or, squander the opportunity to help someone else. Because altruism’s sexy. But stupidity’s not a good look on anyone.