HOW YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY, ACCORDING TO A BUNCH OF KIDS

Everyone thinks they’re qualified to give dating advice. And truthfully, anyone can – since 95% of it sucks anyway (present company excluded.) But sometimes Miss Wingman doesn’t mind stepping aside. And when I do, who better to listen to about how to date and who to marry than people who also don’t mince words – kids.

So if you need some fresh inspiration, here’re the top 6 answers – my favorites – from a delightful piece called “How You Decide Who To Marry (written by kids).” Because sometimes they’re good for things other than free housekeeping and the HOV lane. Who knew?

How do you decide who to marry? 

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” – Alan, age 10

F**k yeah to the sports part, Alan. (I mean, “yayyyy.”) I couldn’t agree with you more. As for the second part: slow your roll, man. Women want to go to the game with you, not serve your ass Tostitos. What you’re describing’s a waitress, not a wife, and confusing the two will ensure that you go an awfully long time without the latter.

When is it OK to kiss someone?

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.” - Howard, age 8

I admire your integrity, Howard. But that kind of conviction is what leads to more virgin-centric reality shows and people with the last name Duggar.

What would you do on a first date that was going sour? 

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” - Craig, age 9

That’s some dark sh*t right there, Craig. Points for creativity and committing to it, though. Also, someone should probably call your parents.

Front Porch Republic

Front Porch Republic

Is it better to be single or married?

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.” - Anita, age 9 (middle name Obi-Wan)

Or, you know, to not.

I’d love to see what a throwdown would look like between Anita and Alan, who clearly gets his philosophy on women from Kenny from “The Cosby Show”s older brother.

What is the right age to get married?

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.” - Camille, age 10

Right. Not to be confused with 33, Camille, because by then you’ve probably given up on getting married and are just preparing for your daily march ever-closer to impending death. (Kidding, relax.)

How would you make a marriage work?

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.” - Ricky, age 10

Amen, brotha. Amen.GEEK WINGMAN

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