THE TOP 5 TIMES YOU REALLY SHOULD’VE GOTTEN HER FLOWERS

I’ll admit it – I’m not the girliest girl. I reject the notion of pink anything, don’t hit the salon until my split ends are borderline offensive, and swear more than Dave Chappelle doing stand up. But that said, even I appreciate – nay, expect – flowers on certain occasions.

It’s not a matter of traditional vs. modern dating attitudes that determine when a girl will give you side eye for showing up sans stems. It’s a matter of thoughtfulness. As in, you step outside what’s going on in your own life for a minute to acknowledge what’s going on in hers (or just want to do something to make her happy.) Either way, it’s the hallmark of a considerate man to know when to bring us flowers.

Not to be confused with companies like Hallmark telling men when to buy us flowers, which is total bullshit.

So here are the top 5 times you should show up with a bouquet in tow. Because hand delivery’s the only way to go, gentlemen.

When she gets the job. Or a promotion. Or finally wins that case she’s been working on, publishes that huge story, or finishes the masters that’s been causing her sleep deprivation and to miss the last 3 seasons of “Breaking Bad.” Why? Because if her accomplishments are recognized by authority figures, they should definitely be recognized by the dude who slept next to her in the pale glow of her laptop every night.

Or loses a job. Or her funding falls through. Or the universe just kicked her ass especially hard this week.

As for the last one, a clarification: I’m not suggesting that you buy her roses every time she misses the 6 train, drops her iPhone or the client gives her hell. But if you see her nearing her breaking point, just like you’ve been a thousand times yourself, surprising her with flowers reminds her that she’s loved (or just…really, really liked, whatever.)

Think of it as the dude equivalent of coming home to steak and a BJ. And now I smack myself for writing that line, true or not.

First date. Why? Because it’s the law. Or at least it should be.

When you meet her mother for the first time (read: bring her MOM the flowers, bro.) Why? Because mom will think you’re a class act, and she’ll appreciate how lucky she is to have a guy who thinks to bring her mother flowers. Even if you didn’t actually think of it.

Favim

Favim

Just because. Few things are sweeter for us than knowing that the man in your life just wanted you to feel loved. On a Tuesday. For no reason. Because it’d make you smile. (Actually, that’s a pretty good reason.)

But before you hit the bodega on the way home, hear this: it’s not always good to play the flower card. While some floral-toting instances are obvious, i.e. birthdays, anniversaries, when you f**k up, and Valentine’s Day (please ditch the red long stems and raise the originality bar), but sometimes it’s better to be empty handed.

Like when you sleep with us for the first time.

You may think it says “thanks for sharing an intimate experience with me,” but for some of us it says, “thanks for finally giving it up” and feels like a reward for sexual favors rendered. Show us it meant something with your words, not the FTD equivalent of leaving money on the nightstand.

Other notable considerations: her favorite flower’s best because it means you were paying attention, even if it’s decidedly unsophisticated (daisy girl, guilty), there’s no such thing as giving flowers too often, and bouquet presentation is unnecessary. Sometimes a single stem’s just as sweet. Just as long as it wasn’t hijacked from a hotel lobby.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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