DON’T DATE WOMEN WHO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS TO THEIR LADY PARTS.

Ever been in the heat of passion with a woman and thought, “This is fun, but I really wish she had a playful floral design in gold foil encircling her vajayjay?” Or, like a portrait of Abe Lincoln made out of rhinestones or something. No?

Weird. Because apparently women must think that’s what you dudes want, since they’ve taken to gussying up their you-know-whats in the latest and most ridiculous trend in hooha decoration.

Great, barely five sentences in and I can already tell I’m going to run out of synonyms for vagina. Damn.

In any case, gone are the days of the “regulation vagina” (ew, that word sounds so clinical), and vajazzling is so 2000 and late. It’s all about faux hair pieces, implants and makeup now, boys. According to someone at Cosmo, here’s what you have to look forward to if you happen to date a woman who’s batshit crazy and has an inferiority complex about her “whispering eye.” Bonus points if you got the reference, bro.

Seriously, though, if you find a woman who has done any of this junk to her own junk, run.

The Vagacial. As much as I wish this was some horrible Internet trolling hoax, apparently it’s a real thing. A vagacial is an anti-aging, rejuvenating facial for her…you know. In arguably the dumbest sentence ever quoted, “women are steaming their vaginas with herbs” in a process called the peach smoothie, thought to “bring back a more youthful glow down there” and give the appearance of a younger vagina.

What. The. F**k.

Maybe I’ve watched one too many episodes of “To Catch A Predator,” but I think we’re entering dicey territory when we try to make our genitals more like that of a teenager, no?

Moving right along…

Merkins. For the woman who was overly enthusiastic in her hair removal, she can now replace that missing landing strip with an adhesive faux hair piece. So yeah, it’s basically a toupee for your vagina. Nothing unreasonable about that. And speaking of hair…

vajazzling

Special Designs. Hey, if dudes can get NBA players shaved into their domes, then women can get a rainbow or a lightning bolt professionally shaved into their pubic hair. Ugh, I gag even typing the word “pubic.”

According to the author of a book called “Vagina Buffet” (WHY THE HELL IS THERE A BOOK CALLED VAGINA BUFFET???), women are into creating art with their bikini lines. One woman even got a landing strip with Swarovski crystals outlining the edges on her vaj because her husband, an airline pilot, wanted it to look like the real thing so she could “wave him in” after his long haul flights. There is so much wrong that sentence (and this entire paragraph), I don’t even know where to begin.

Implants. Because a bumpy undercarriage is exactly what men find sexy, women are putting stones under the skin in their nether regions to give it more texture. (And you guys thought you were the only ones who could get your rocks off.) Some chicks are even using crystals for “extra energy.” I’m sorry, all I can think of when I hear that is Jim Henson’s “The Dark Crystal” and people wearing tie dyes and Birkenstocks. Neither of which are particularly erotic. And finally…

Brighteners. As in, blush for her labia. Sweet merciful Christ, please make it stop.

For the woman who just doesn’t find her…um, lips to be rosy enough, she can now choose between pink makeup “for a temporary fix” (temporary fix? what the hell does that even mean?), or opt for a more aggressive labia bleaching cream treatment. And yes, you read that right.

Sigh. Do with this knowledge what you will, gentlemen. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go finish dry heaving.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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