BROSMETICS? 5 THOUGHTS ON MAN MAKEUP.

Tom Ford For Men Skincare

Tom Ford For Men Skincare

The last time a word made me practically choke while speaking it aloud, it was “brocelet,” (an incarnation of man jewelry, obviously.) But as much as Miss Wingman wants the dictionary of facepalm-inducing terms being added to the dude lexicon to stop growing, I bring you another chance to increase your vocabulary. Behold: “Brosmetics.”

If you’re picturing a guy in Dartmouth Lacrosse shorts wearing guyliner scratching his balls, don’t worry – I did, too. Luckily, it’s not that.

The rise of man makeup started as a quiet rumble several months ago, courtesy of Tom Ford’s new line of products for men. But apparently, it’s steadily crescendoed into…not quite a roar, but at least, like, a louder rumble. This is partially thanks to a recent GQ article by Miss Wingman’s favorite writer and fellow smartass, Drew Magary. If you haven’t read Magary’s stuff on Deadspin (or otherwise), you’re missing out.

So he posed the question, “Will Real Men Ever Wear Makeup?” while using products from companies like Mënaji (huh?), Jane Iredale (who?), and of course, Tom Ford. All while trying to protect his stash from his wife, because duh – if you’re going to own it, we’re going to steal it from your dopp kit, fellas. But even though he was able to draw his own conclusions from this little facial foray, I thought it only appropriate to offer Miss Wingman’s musings as well. Here are…

5 Female Thoughts On Man Makeup:

It’s all about trickery. Welcome to the advertising hellscape that women experience on a daily basis, gentlemen. How does it feel to have things marketed to you using a “Be less ugly,” platform? At least brosmetics companies know the importance of the It’s-Not-Girly-We-Swear presentation, so they use black, gunmetal or cigar box packaging. They might as well put a ribeye, a jock strap and a photo of Kate Upton’s boobs in there, too, just to hammer the testosterone home.

Nice try calling it “urban camouflage,” too. Bitch please. It’s man makeup. Just like the “jitney” is an uber-Hamptonsy way to avoid calling it what it really is, “the bus.”

It feels awesome. It’s OK, we get it. And so do the Koreans, apparently. Man makeup is huge in Asia (who knew?) Even Magary described brushing bronzer onto his face as “delightfully soft, like a tiny puppy is doing somersaults on my cheeks.” Totally, bruh. Not to mention how good it feels to go from looking like Voldemort to a fully-rested, evenly-complexioned person with killer cheekbones.

It won’t last. Face it (no pun intended), men don’t have to attention span or commitment required to adhere to a 15-minute beauty regimen every morning and night. Most of you can’t even be bothered to pick out matching socks. This is fine with us, since you’re largely ignorant of the towel-ruining properties of makeup anyway.

There’s a spectrum. There is a sliding scale of Acceptable Male Grooming vs. “Tha fuck’s on your face?” brosmetic product usage. Intrepid males should find reassurance in the fact that women would generally love for you to exfoliate your faces and clean up those pores. What we don’t want to see is you A) improperly applying concealer or bronzer so that you end up looking like an extra from “Lord Of The Flies.” Blend that shit, it’s not war paint. Or, B) being prettier than us. The ability to cover up blemishes is one of the only things we females get to enjoy over men SO JUST LET US HAVE THAT, OK?

Don’t be afraid to like it. Granted, I wouldn’t be thrilled if the guy I was dating suddenly wore more foundation than those chicks on “Shahs Of Sunset,” but that said – it’s not up to me (even though I will ridicule him for owning THIS.) Society needs to stop telling us what it’s OK to love, and what’s acceptable gender-specific behavior. I’m sick of people being baffled by my love of MMA, or throwing confused looks when I order scotch. So mud mask without shame, gentlemen – it’s 2014. Damn the man, save the Empire.DAPPER WINGMAN

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STOP TRYING TO MAKE FACIAL HAIR IMPLANTS A THING. THEY’RE NOT A THING.

In arguably the most ridiculous story to emerge lately, the crackerjack team of journalists over at the New York Post just released, “Hipster Wannabes Get Facial Hair Implants,” where they try to convince the rest of us that dudes everywhere are digging this new “trend” in male grooming.

Hang on a second, I have to finish snort-laughing…

OK, I’m done now. The verdict’s still out on what part of this article is more implausible – the fact that they claim that men are rushing to plunk down $8G’s for a procedure designed to make beards appear fuller and less patchy, or that they want us to believe that Brooklyn guys are leading the charge. Specifically, dudes in Williamsburg, Park Slope and Bushwick. In other words, the same neighborhoods where dudes will give you side eye for ordering a bourgie drink instead of a $2 Schlitz or some obscure German craft beer no one’s ever heard of (because PBR’s for mainstreamers and bros, duh.)

True, a quick stroll around the B-K will confirm that every dude looks like a Mumford & Sons/Brawny Man hybrid, complete with requisite facial scruff, but still – no one’s buying that the trend flourishes there. Or that it’s even a trend. Just because Brooklyn’s the epicenter of non-conformity cloaked in conformist, buffalo plaid clothes, doesn’t mean you can leverage it for your own plastic surgeon-subsidized agenda, NY Post and DNA Info. I never thought I’d say this, but  leave the hipsters alone.

hipsterfacialhair

Further, I’ve never heard any female lament that a dude’s forest of facial hair wasn’t lush enough, or that it’s patchy. Ever. Most of us don’t care whether your beard is James Franco in “Pineapple Express” deficient or not – in fact beards tear the hell out of our delicate skin. Entire businesses have been created to prevent such chafing (The Soft Goat, anyone?), so why would we buy that men are follicle freaking out on our accounts?

Because “Beards are an important male identifier,” according to a plastic surgeon sleeping with the writer the medical expert quoted. Wouldn’t that contradict the idea that Brooklyn is the home of facial hair implant zealotry, since men there wear jeans designed to fit 12-year-old girls? That’s right, Post. Nailed it.

In the event any of you were contemplating joining the “2 or 3″ men a week (a soaring population!) who’ve been jumping on the bespoke beard bandwagon, perhaps it’s better to think twice. Eight thousand dollars is a steep price to pay to look rugged. And besides, think of how much Schlitz you could buy with that money…DAPPER WINGMAN

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AND THE MOVEMBER WINNER IS… THIS GUY.

Jonathan Burnside Mo Space

Jonathan Burnside Mo Space

I just…I mean…I…can’t…

Yeah.

The month of Movember may be over, gentlemen, but it’s traumatic photo legacy lives on. At least for this dude, who took the charity project really, really seriously.

Who the hell is he, you ask? Beats me, but according to his Mo Space page, he’s Jonathan Burnside, who for some crazy reason only yielded $333 of donations for growing a cat portrait in his facial and chest hair. I’m not sure what’s going on with the floating paws in this photo, but I am sure that any man who shaves a p***y into his belly probably doesn’t get any in real life.DAPPER WINGMAN
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APPARENTLY, EVERYONE’S GOTTEN LAZY, UM, DOWNSTAIRS.

This weekend, Miss Wingman learned a few valuable things. Firstly, that you can actually get a girl’s digits on the subway – thus shattering my previously-held worldview. Secondly, that Miley Cyrus can, in fact, sing. Actually, the girl can SANG, but she still insists upon dressing like an extra in a pole dancing workout video. And lastly, that when people conduct half-assed studies with poor survey soundness, they do their best to try and spin it into a new “trend.” Such is the case with this latest gem.

Newsflash, men: the Brazilian wax is out, and women rocking a “70′s vibe” downstairs is making a comeback (thanks a lot, Gwyneth.)

At least according to The Telegraph, who published a 1,870-woman survey proclaiming that 51% of the respondents rock a full-on, bushy look. As in, no bikini line maintenance at all. What’s more, 62% of women polled say that their partner actually “prefers the natural look.”

Sure they do.

Arguably the most disturbing part of this survey, other than that more comprehensive results can be found by polling the chicks at, like, Coachella, is that 45% of women admitted that “they can no longer be bothered to keep up the grooming.”

Shutterstock

Shutterstock

Jesus, ladies, what have we come to? No one says you have to keep your lady parts looking ready to grace a layout in the glossies at all times, or do any of this shit, but 45% of you have just. Given. Up. Really? This isn’t like forgetting to get your roots covered, this is just straight up throwing in the towel. It’s a sad day when basic physical maintenance (let alone sexiness upkeep) falls off the priority radar completely.

Granted, you gentlemen should definitely not broach the topic if you notice your girlfriend’s groin looking more and more like a chia pet lately, because that’ll A) get you slapped or frozen out, and B) makes you a total dick. Just rely on the fact that she’ll eventually get the hint when other women throw her side eye in the locker room at yoga.DAPPER WINGMAN

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OH MY GOD THIS. SO MUCH OF THIS.

Holy shit, someone just came up with the best dude invention ever. Granted, you might argue that Miss Wingman is wrong, since it involves some pain on your part to facilitate more happiness on ours (suck it up, fellas), but I disagree. This. Is. Amazing.

So what is this miracle product?

Oh, just sandpaper…for your face. FTW? Stop being a pussy, bro, and listen up. A company called The Soft Goat (I won’t even ask) just solved the skin-chafing problem caused by your razor stubble after you get up close and personal with that girl you’ve been talking to lately. You know, where she comes away from that kissing session looking like her skin just went through a cheese grater? Right. Not a good look for us.

The blotchiness-prevention trick comes in the form of a hypoallergenic foam pad layered with abrasive paper. But don’t worry, the designers spent years honing the coarseness to find just the right balance between effectively stubble-softening, and won’t rip open your skin.

By rubbing the “sandpaper” over your stubble, the prickly edges get rounded down, much like what happens when two pieces of sandpaper are rubbed together. But don’t use it on just shaved skin or attempt it on a full beard, it’s not designed to handle that – and neither are you. 

The Soft Goat

The Soft Goat

So, why sandpaper and not something less…medieval sounding? Traditional products like beard oils or conditioning agents are made to soften the longer hairs of your beard, but don’t work on stubble. Additionally, lotions and creams are no match for your 5 o’clock shadow, however it’s been groomed. Just keep the lotion in your nightstand where it belongs, boys.

Kidding. Definitely don’t do that.

The scruff and goatee softener comes in a box of three and retails for $11.99 – a small price to pay for the gratitude she’ll feel when she can makeout with you without looking like she just ate shellfish and broke into hives. Consider this payback for all of the “Beauty is pain” rituals we put ourselves through for your benefit, gentlemen. And hey, if you (don’t) scratch our backs, we might be more inclined to scratch yours.DAPPER WINGMAN

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8 MEN’S FASHION WEEK LOOKS YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT TRY TO PULL OFF

New York Fashion Week’s finally over, which means the women of Manhattan can stop sucking in, everyone can start nursing their event hangovers, and Miss Wingman can once again walk down the street without feeling like an oompa loompa in a sea of beautiful, leggy amazons.

For the guys, some of you may be wondering what men’s trends came out of the model melee (um, in between watching NFL games and postseason baseball, obviously.) So, just in case you gentlemen were thinking of taking some fashion risks with your Spring/Summer 2014 looks, you might want to think twice before you try out these emerging trends.

Not because the designers aren’t all talented in their own rights, but because they’re not creating clothing for straight men looking to attract hetero females.

Or not-so hetero, whatever you’re into.

Thus, here are the 8 worst men’s Fashion Week trends to avoid, if you value your sex life. Because yes, every girl is crazy about a sharp dressed man, but this shit is ridiculous.

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Patterned suits. If you believe people like Mark McNairy (who I normally love, sigh..) and designer Libertine, the louder the better. But if you believe the rest of the female population, we wouldn’t be caught dead walking alongside you in this.

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Or this, for that matter. Shorter fabric on the legs doesn’t make it any less visually offensive or vagina repellent, sorry. And while we’re on McNairy, this other runway masterpiece…

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Head to toe camouflage. To be fair, I’m not anti-camo. But I am anti- guys dressing like a Navy SEAL lying in a remote swamp waiting to put down a guerilla insurgency. This is far from acceptable streetwear. On the upside, you won’t get made fun of because no one will be able to see you. But on the downside, women will think you’re an extra from “Tropic Thunder.”

DreamWorks

DreamWorks

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Iridescent metallics. Unless you work at a futuristic, sci-fi themed restaurant and are forced to accessorize this with an alien head mask, there is no earthly reason (zing!) to rock this look. On any planet.

Thomas Iannaccone/WWD

Thomas Iannaccone/WWD

Bold pants. Remember the color bars that come on during a network TV outage? Yeah, so does designer Jeremy Scott. But sorry bro, they don’t look so hot wrapped around your glutes. (Or with a mesh shirt and Flock of Seagulls hairdo, for that matter. Scratch that – a Flock of Seagulls hairdo is EXACTLY what you’d be expected to wear along with those pants.)

Sure, we all loved the circus as kids, but no need to bring the Big Top back in your trouser selection. And yes, I just said “trousers.” Because I’m geriatric.

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

The “Pants? Who needs ‘em!” look. But don’t make the mistake of being so worried about ugly pants that you forego them altogether. Because seriously, man. Put some f**king pants on.

Thomas Iannaccone/WWD

Thomas Iannaccone/WWD

But not if they look like this. Sure, dudes can wear pink. If Mark Sanchez can rock a headband, guys can certainly wear pink. What they can’t do, however, is don patent leather pants with a matching patent leather jacket. In any color. In public. Ever.

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

And lastly, whatever the f**k this is.

Maybe it’s because it’s a stenciled tunic. Or possibly, because it resembles pajamas. But whatever Libertine’s calling it, women definitely won’t want to crawl into bed with you if you wear it. But they might want to borrow your necklace.DAPPER WINGMAN

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CUT IT OUT WITH THE HEADBANDS ALREADY

I know it’s the new millenium and we all like to think everyone’s so evolved that dudes can take yoga classes, wear Man Makeup and rock headbands, and women can start arm-wrestling leagues. And that’s true – for the most part.

Guys should absolutely be on the next mat over perfecting their crow pose, and women with formidable biceps throw down regularly. Also, have you seen the chicks of the 5Borough Ladies Arm Wrestling League? My money’s on them kicking your ass. Man Makeup’s still off the table, though – sorry, Tom Ford.

But for the love of God, take off that stupid headband already.

FOX Sports

FOX Sports

If I see one more photo of Mark Sanchez in that godawful headband (which has its own Twitter account, because everyone’s clever on the Internet) I’ll scream. That that f**king thing off, you’re making me lose whatever’s the girl equivalent of a hard on. Women don’t want to see you wearing hair accessories (even functional ones), just like you don’t want to see us wearing gaucho pants. What the hell are gaucho pants? These.

Never let it be said, however, that Miss Wingman doesn’t give proactive advice. So here are 5 looks dudes can rock that are more acceptable than the man ‘band.

Corn rows. No, for real, white boy corn rows.

Zimbio

Zimbio

Because if you really are trying to get your hair out of your face, and you don’t mind looking stupid, at least this way you look like you’re taking ownership of your stupidity. You intended to look that dumb, as opposed to just clueless.

Claw clips. Women only wear those skinny headbands when we’re working out or washing our faces. We also wear claw clips and, for the gymnasts among us, snap barrettes to achieve the same hair-submission end game. If you’re so enthusiastic about taming your tresses, bro, why not test the full spectrum of hair accessories? Seriously, why stop there?

Polyvore

Polyvore

Skirts. Hey, if Kanye can rock pleated leather, then so can you. I’m pro-blurring gender lines through fashion. But also, anti-dating guys who look like they’re auditioning for a Neutrogena commercial.

Brocelets. I know, I know – I’ve declared them off limits in the past. But I’m willing to lift the ban now, because that’s how much I hate the man headband. OHMYGODPLEASESTOP.

MTV

MTV

And finally, the man ponytail. Even juice-loving NRA enthusiasts like what’s-his-name from “The Real World San Diego” recognize that there are times when you just need to grab the nearest hair elastic and take control of that mane, manliness be damned.

Next to Crocs/SWIMS/ugly male footwear at large, and women who wear headbands OVER their forehead (It’s not Woodstock, seriously), the dude headband is the worst. And if I can tolerate a man pony over it, anyone can.

So do us all a favor, Sanchez. And Tom Brady.

PacificCoastNews/Starpulse

PacificCoastNews/Starpulse

 

And David Beckham.

DailyMail

DailyMail

 

And RG3.

BleedingBrotherlyLove.com

BleedingBrotherlyLove.com

 

And whatever the f**k this is, Ashton.

AllWomenStalk.com

AllWomenStalk.com

…and retire this look already. Or, you know, just get a haircut.DAPPER WINGMAN

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