SPOON US, GODDAMN IT. SCIENCE SAYS SO.

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Because nothing’s more appealing than waking up with “dead arm” or peeling her face off of your sweaty chest, now you have even more reason to spoon your woman while you sleep. Or at least, be forced to sleep in some cuddle-like formation. Why? Because science, duh.

Researchers at the University of Hertfordshire (admit it, it sounds way more sophisticated than where you went to school) surveyed 1,000 couples about their sleeping positions, and what they found was that 94% of couples who slept touching one another were happy in their relationships, while a measly 68% of couples who didn’t sleep touching each other reported being satisfied in their relationships.

What’s more, of the couples who said they sleep with less than an inch separation from their partner, 86% of them said they were happy, while only 66% of couples who admitted to sleeping “more than 30 inches from their partner” reported being happy in their relationships.

So basically, spoon us, motherf*%#ers. Or else.

What’s so compelling about this study, other than the fact that way too many people are sleeping with nearly 3 feet between them – seriously, is one of you in a loft? are there bunkbeds? please explain – is that the most popular sleeping position for couples is back to back.

Granted, Miss Wingman doesn’t have a PhD in behavioral science, but maybe this is part of the reason why so many marriages end in divorce. As someone who has been in a past relationship where my partner literally did not acknowledge my physical presence while we slept, I can attest to the physical-distance-to-emotional-distance correlation. When the person you share a bed with doesn’t even throw the occasional arm over you or pull you in close, it makes you feel cold – in a way that pulling the covers up around you won’t fix.

So even though I’ve extolled the virtues of not cuddling us too much before (seriously, there’s a fine line between affection and neediness), allow me to make one caveat – especially while you sleep. Or wake up. Morning sex is pretty stellar, too (so I hear, in case you’re reading this, Mom).

Best case scenario, it ends in a little unexpected romp. Worst case, she complains about you poking her in the back. Either way, it doesn’t require much of you to just reach out.

If you’re lucky enough to be sleeping next to someone you care about, who may or may not be naked in case you need an added incentive, you’re luckier than you think. And your touch could be more meaningful than you think, too. Then you can rest easy knowing that your partner feels really, really loved.GEEK WINGMAN

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HERE’S HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO PROPOSE REALLY, REALLY UNORIGINALLY.

BaseballProposal

Happy MLB Opening Day, Wingman faithful! Since this day makes me almost as giddy as March Madness at large, and since everyone’s brackets have long since been shot to hell anyway, I thought I’d shift my focus to America’s favorite pastime. No, not baseball – proposing at a baseball game.

Because every girl dreams of the most romantic moment of her life being staged at a place where your feet stick to the floor and the line for the ladies room is roughly 45 women deep. Naturally.

Even though Miss Wingman has extolled the virtues of how NOT to propose before (many times), if you absolutely must ignore my advice and put a ring on it during the 7th inning stretch, the folks at Swimmingly have broken down how much it will cost you to pop the question at every major league baseball stadium.

I know it’s called a baseball diamond, people, but perhaps we’re taking it a little too literally here.

Prices for a major league proposal range from $38.50 at the Pittsburgh Pirates’ PNC Park (not surprising, since Pittsburgh is pretty much the Keystone Light of baseball franchises), to $2,500 at Dodger Stadium or a $1,500 package offered by the Washington Nationals, who’re keeping the tradition alive of our nation’s capital absolutely screwing people, financially or otherwise. Keep it classy, L.A. And D.C. fans, may I suggest a Caps game instead…

Unless you and your beloved have some deep sentimental connection to the ball field, I fail to see how a supremely unoriginal proposal idea is worth any amount of money. But if you’re an Orioles, Royals, Blue Jays, Angels or Mets fan, you needn’t worry about it anyway, because proposals aren’t even offered on your home field.

Then again, if you’re a Mets fan, you’ve probably got bigger things to worry about. It would’ve been nice to see someone NOT strike out in your stadium for once, though. Maybe next year.GEEK WINGMAN

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THE APP THAT MAKES SURE YOU NEVER RUN INTO YOUR EX AGAIN. AMEN.

cloak-header

If all my exes lived in Texas, like the song says, I’d be stoked. But unfortunately for this New Yorker, (almost) all of my exes live in Manhattan.

Fuck.

But now I can stop living in perpetual fear that I’ll run into one of them on the 6 train whilst looking post-workout ugly (or worse, when they’re with The Woman Who Came After), because some dudes developed a new location-based avoidance app called Cloak. No, not “Cloak & Dagger” – I wish – that’d be even more awesome.

Billed as the “Anti-Social Network,” Cloak allows you to dodge exes, frenemies, or your coworkers when you’re playing hooky by combing their Instagram and Foursquare accounts for places they’ve recently checked in or taken photos. Cloak stores their profiles and notes your own location and proximity.

If you’re in danger of an unexpected face-to-face, the app sends you a warning message when the user comes within a certain radius. Then voila! You’re free to hightail it across town and immediately start sending, “Oh man, that would’ve sucked!” texts to all your bros. Crisis averted.

So who’re the minds behind this stealthy masterpiece? Developers Brian Moore and Chris Baker, and it was Moore who became fed up after running into his ex four times upon moving to NYC. Ouch. But, since being proactive is always better than reactive, Moore decided this city wasn’t big enough for both of them (Amen, brotha), and set about fixing it.

Granted, even though I’m on good terms with my exes – well, some of them, and some of them I’d just as soon lived on Mars instead of Manhattan – the idea of avoiding awkward encounters sounds good, but it can also be a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it’s natural to want to pare down the amount of social ambushing we experience on any given day. Hell, I’ve started hiding half the people in my newsfeed lately because of their incessant oversharing. In that sense, eliminating drama makes total sense.

On the other hand, how one handles themselves when they’re confronted with these unexpected run-ins reveals a lot about their character. Sure, lobbing a grapefruit at someone who wronged you after you spot them in the produce section at Whole Foods seems appealing, but you’ll learn a lot more about yourself if you take a deep breath and just deal with it.

Eh, on second thought scratch that. Some faces are best just never to be seen again, high road or not. Avoid away, my friends.

The app has yet to integrate Facebook posts or Tweets into their geolocation tool, but it is currently available to iOS users. So if you’re gunning to ditch the shades and hoodie disguise but still want to retreat further from society, here’s your chance, gentlemen.

Just remember that in a world where technology plays genie in the bottle to our every whim, think twice before you digitally disappear. If it’s invisibility you seek, be careful what you wish for.GEEK WINGMAN

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THE APP GUARANTEED TO RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BRO.

Hate your relationship? Want to send your girl the message that you just. can’t. be. bothered? You’re in luck! There’s an app for that.

Thanks to some dudes in Australia, the dating app bar has just been lowered. Like, really lowered. Introducing BroApp, which promises to auto text your girlfriend for you, so that you can go out with the other Terribles and not have to worry about checking in with the ol’ ball and chain. And you thought dating couldn’t get any easier.

So how does it work? Bros enter their girlfriend’s contact info into the app, then they can either write a series of texts or choose from a default list of 12 messages (really personal, not-at-all-generic ones like, “Hi babe, how was your day?”), and then schedule them to be sent out on a specific day.

BroApp chooses the time that the texts are sent, and recognizes when you’ve recently messaged your girlfriend a non-completely bullshit composition of your own, in which case it waits to dispatch the next one.

And here I thought outsourcing your marriage proposal was the douchiest thing you could do.

Because the Brisbane-based developers have your back, the app not only recognizes your girlfriend’s Wi-Fi network so scheduled texts won’t be sent while you’re at her place, but it also prevents her from using the app herself.

BroApp

If she tries, it’ll bring up a “list of gifts you were planning to buy her,” they say. See how easy it is to foil us simple-minded women folk? The little lady’ll be none the wiser.

But they haven’t quite thought of everything, because they underestimate our ability to detect when you’re feeding us canned messages. (Sometimes, we’re smart.) Also, how does it handle responding to questions we’ve asked while you’ve gone off on autopilot?

Incidentally, the app’s currently only available on Android at the moment, which is pretty much the Google+ of smart phones anyway.

Sorry, abhorrent iPhone-using boyfriends. You’ll have to wait.

Lucky for you, the price of deception is cheap – the app only costs $1.99. As for us? Dating a guy who has BroApp on his phone seems awful, but it could be worse. We could be dating one of the guys who developed it.GEEK WINGMAN

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AND THE STATE WHERE DUDES HAVE THE LARGEST PACKAGES IS…

Men's Health

Men’s Health

In what is arguably the only reason I’d ever have to move to North Dakota, men in the most boring state in the U.S. reportedly boast the biggest penis size. At least, according to recent data from Condomania.com, an online rubber retailer. Though size matters to women, and inquiring minds do want to know, no girl’s that ambitious. So thanks for doing the legwork – or more accurately, 3rd leg work – for us, Condomania.

The site analyzed data from the past two years (exhaustive, I know) regarding how many men were buying up small, medium and large condoms in each state, and it turns out guys in North Dakota pack the most heat. Or at least, the few dudes with big D’s who live in the state buy up the most large condoms online. Because seriously, when the nearest town with a population over 236 people is an hour away, and the nearest CVS is almost as far – not to mention there’s nothing better to do there than, um, keep warm – you’d be buying hella condoms online, too.

In case you’re wondering which other states rounded out the top 10 (that women would, like, actually visit), it plays out as follows:

2- Rhode Island (smallest state, biggest equipment, well done R.I.!), 3- South Dakota, 4- Washington, D.C. (Miss Wingman used to live there, so I beg to differ, but OK…), 5- Massachusetts (also boasts the biggest assholes, though not the anatomical kind), 6- Ohio, 7- Arizona, 8- Alabama, 9- New York, and #10 is South Carolina (hey, they’re not called Gamecocks for nothing, ladies.)

Granted, this data leaves something to be desired, as it leaves out men who purchase condoms other ways, or bros who refuse to bag it at all (an idea that’s on its way out), so make of it what you will. For a complete list of how men in your state rank, check out this handy dandy infographic from Men’s Health. And don’t worry, Mississippi, you’ll get ‘em next year.GEEK WINGMAN

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THERE GOES YOUR NO-BAG EXCUSE, FELLAS.

It’s good to know that charitable foundations are spending time on the really important things, like effing up your sex life.

That’s right, gentlemen, you now have The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to thank for new condom innovations that will leave dudes everywhere without an excuse to not wear a bag. Ever again.

See? Philanthropy can be used for feeding the poor, educating the masses AND C-blocking you. Literally.

But in all seriousness, faced with the global problem of eliminating sexually transmitted viruses, the spread of HIV and unwanted pregnancies, the Gates Foundation challenged scientists to design a condom that men and women would actually want to use. They aimed to develop one that men would hardly notice, but would still be strong enough to prevent the passing of pathogens. The winners were just announced, and the results were of the innovation level one would expect. Which is to say, pretty f&%king impressive.

gatesfoundationcondoms

So what can dudes expect to be donning on their D? How about a condom with easy pull on tabs that snaps open and slides on like a sock over a foot, thereby eliminating any fumbling around in the dark. Or, one made of beef tendon-based collagen that feels like actual skin, not like a synthetic rubber barrier. Or even one that contracts to fit your, um, member like shrink wrap upon heat activation. I know. That shit cray.

Luckily, these reinvented condoms won’t be for sale for a little over a year, so you have some time left to whine about how they kill the sensation, are too tight (Hahaha. Wait…hahaha), or that you just don’t have one handy. Until then, happy wrapping, boys.GEEK WINGMAN

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12 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT PENISES. YUP.

Everyone knows Movember (or “No shave November” for you squares) means you and your buddies get to look like a mixture of Hulk Hogan, Tom Selleck and a banjo player for Mumford & Sons for a full calendar month and no one gets to be all judge-y about it. Because it’s for charity.

But not everyone knows that it’s to raise awareness for prostate, testicular and other male cancers, which basically makes it the male equivalent of the “Save The Boobies” October campaign for women. (*Sidenote, I detest that slogan.)

So in honor of all things peen-related, I give you 12 Facts About Your Penis, gentlemen. All data is scientific, some thoughts are female-tific (SHUTUPITSAREALWORD), but all are spot-on accurate. Enjoy.

Tosh.0

Tosh.0

12. Every penis used to be a clitoris. Ironic, since female readers tell me frequently how some you wouldn’t seem to know what to do with the “c” word if one hit you in the face (um, figuratively), let alone having your own equipment derived from one. But yes, every penis in the womb starts out as a clitoris (“Delores? Mulva?”) before hormones ‘sex’ the brain of the to-be male.

But your penis didn’t forget where it came from, it’s dark underskin (“taint” for the less clinical) and thin seam that runs from scrotum to anus, known as the raphe, are remnants of the fusion of the vaginal lips. I know. Mind. Blown.

11. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter, since erections require good blood flow and smoking calcifies blood vessels. F**k being wary of choking your lungs with tar and carcinogens, this is the best anti-smoking campaign for men ever. And speaking of size…

10. The largest penis to ever be medically verified was 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches in circumference. DAMN. Dudes begin hating that guy in 3, 2, 1… Since the Average Joe’s wang is 6.2 inches long when fully erect, I think I speak for all females when I say, “That shit cray.” But, since the average vajajay is only 3 – 4 inches deep, that shit might also be overkill.

9. The average male orgasm lasts six seconds, while women get 23 seconds. Clearly, that makes us four times more awesome.

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8. Semen is low calorie. Yup, it contains only one to seven calories per…deposit. That’s about the same as a cup of fresh spinach, according to Men’s Health. Ew. But have fun trying to convince your woman she should go downtown because it’s less fattening than Pinkberry. And while we’re on the topic…

7. Lay off the red meat and dairy produce, as they’ve been proven to cause the worst tasting spunk. Somewhere, asparagus is feeling vindicated. Great, just what vegans needed, another reason to be smug.

6. The most utilized penis in history – or the one that’s enjoyed the most women – was that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women, seven a day, between 1770 and 1784. No word if that enjoyment went both ways, though.

5. Cheaters have big balls. Obviously, as in audacity, but also in actual larger testicle size, too. And according to a recent study, are most likely to be driving an Audi. (I won’t even touch that – the Audi fact, not the giant balls. Well, those too.)

4. There is a park in South Korea full of penises. It’s a tribute to an old fishing legend about a mariner whose virgin girlfriend drowned after he left her on a rock, causing the village a fishing drought.  Erecting (zing!) phallus-shaped sculptures and statues turned the curse around – naturally, because duh – and visitors can still go there today. Speaking of too many penises…

3. Diphallus is a rare condition affecting one in 5.5 million males where they’re born with two penises. F**king. Stud. Unfortunately, it’s rare that both are fully functional, and usually requires surgery to correct the deformity. Men everywhere just simultaneously thought the same thing. “Deformity?! More like rockstar.”

2. No brain involvement is necessary for ejaculation. The physiological order actually comes from the spinal cord.

Women everywhere just simultaneously thought the same thing. “No brain required? We could’ve told you that.”

1. Penis breakage is real, and it’s ugly. Every year, at least 200 Americans and 30-40 Britons break their penises, causing an “audible crack” and painful swelling, either during violent intercourse or during the most common cause of penile rupture, vigorous masturbation.

I’m just going to leave this here. GEEK WINGMAN

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