MISS WINGMAN’S DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BIRTHDAY WISDOM

It’s a Miss Wingman holiday! Which is kind of like a national holiday, only that no one gets off from work, and there’s a lot more drinking involved. In any case, today is the anniversary of the birth of this smartass lil’ writer, so I thought I’d keep the tradition going and impart more birthday wisdom, though the 1st one’s still my favorite.

As per usual, this one’s a mixture of sage advice people have given me (for a change), and things that I’ve gleaned myself. So, since we’re only as old as we feel, here’re 24 truths in honor of my 24th birthday (wink.)

*I have spent way too much time pondering why there is no emoji for cheese, but there are like 12 for train and calculator. WHERE’S THE FUCKING CHEESE EMOTICON, APPLE?

*I’m the girl who’s more likely to have banged up knuckles than painted nails, and any guy I end up with will have to be OK with that.

*There’s no need to point out people’s shortcomings in life or at work. They’ll almost always come out on their own eventually.

*My taste in booze has gotten better as I’ve gotten older. My taste in reality television has not.

*The exact right people you need will be brought into your life at the exact moment that you need them, so hang in there. And if they’re taking too long, just binge watch “House Of Cards” in the meantime.

*I stand by my contention that a well-placed expletive is sometimes (OK, often) necessary. And artful, when done correctly.

*Meet someone at the gym. If that person still wants to date you after seeing sweat drip off the end of your nose, they’re a keeper.

*In life, in relationships, and in work, Never. Stop. Trying. Things only fall apart when we phone it in.

*Awkward moments and shared laughter make for the best ice breakers. You can approach any woman this way, even if she’s out of your league.

*Citi Bike, leg warmers and green juice are a good idea in theory, just not in practice.

*People can get used to anything. Case in point, my own conservative parents tolerating the fact that their daughter writes about sex for a living. And yes, I probably should give them more credit.

birthday-candles

*No matter how much I know it’s not a real place, I’ll still never give up my dream of moving to Dillon, Texas and marrying Tim Riggins.

*When people disappoint you, take comfort in the fact that it was God’s way of showing you what you’re NOT missing.

*Uploading pictures of yourself draped in women will make any female worth holding on to run for the hills. The worthy ones won’t compete for your attention.

*Quoting “Can’t Hardly Wait,” “Mean Girls,” or “The Sandlot” is the quickest way to make a girl (this girl, at least) swoon. Amanduhhhhhh.

*You’re never too old to play in a bouncy castle. There is, however, a weight limit on kiddie swings.

*There’s a special place in hell for people who post spoilers on social media. Presumably, it’s right between Chris Brown and those Westboro Baptist Church A-holes.

*I only have 1 regret in my life, and he knows who he is.

*Peanut butter is not a food group, but it should be. Ditto for avocados.

*One day, we will all look back at Tinder, selfies and high top wedges and wonder what the fuck we were thinking.

*Don’t make someone a priority when they just make you an option.

*Once every 4 years hockey becomes relevant to everyone. To the bandwagon haters, I offer a heartfelt “Suck it.”

*There is nothing in your life that an hour with a heavy bag can’t fix.

*And the trifecta of rules everyone should live by: smile at strangers, find your passion, and call your grandparents.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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THE APP GUARANTEED TO RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BRO.

Hate your relationship? Want to send your girl the message that you just. can’t. be. bothered? You’re in luck! There’s an app for that.

Thanks to some dudes in Australia, the dating app bar has just been lowered. Like, really lowered. Introducing BroApp, which promises to auto text your girlfriend for you, so that you can go out with the other Terribles and not have to worry about checking in with the ol’ ball and chain. And you thought dating couldn’t get any easier.

So how does it work? Bros enter their girlfriend’s contact info into the app, then they can either write a series of texts or choose from a default list of 12 messages (really personal, not-at-all-generic ones like, “Hi babe, how was your day?”), and then schedule them to be sent out on a specific day.

BroApp chooses the time that the texts are sent, and recognizes when you’ve recently messaged your girlfriend a non-completely bullshit composition of your own, in which case it waits to dispatch the next one.

And here I thought outsourcing your marriage proposal was the douchiest thing you could do.

Because the Brisbane-based developers have your back, the app not only recognizes your girlfriend’s Wi-Fi network so scheduled texts won’t be sent while you’re at her place, but it also prevents her from using the app herself.

BroApp

If she tries, it’ll bring up a “list of gifts you were planning to buy her,” they say. See how easy it is to foil us simple-minded women folk? The little lady’ll be none the wiser.

But they haven’t quite thought of everything, because they underestimate our ability to detect when you’re feeding us canned messages. (Sometimes, we’re smart.) Also, how does it handle responding to questions we’ve asked while you’ve gone off on autopilot?

Incidentally, the app’s currently only available on Android at the moment, which is pretty much the Google+ of smart phones anyway.

Sorry, abhorrent iPhone-using boyfriends. You’ll have to wait.

Lucky for you, the price of deception is cheap – the app only costs $1.99. As for us? Dating a guy who has BroApp on his phone seems awful, but it could be worse. We could be dating one of the guys who developed it.GEEK WINGMAN

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STOP TRYING TO MAKE FACIAL HAIR IMPLANTS A THING. THEY’RE NOT A THING.

In arguably the most ridiculous story to emerge lately, the crackerjack team of journalists over at the New York Post just released, “Hipster Wannabes Get Facial Hair Implants,” where they try to convince the rest of us that dudes everywhere are digging this new “trend” in male grooming.

Hang on a second, I have to finish snort-laughing…

OK, I’m done now. The verdict’s still out on what part of this article is more implausible – the fact that they claim that men are rushing to plunk down $8G’s for a procedure designed to make beards appear fuller and less patchy, or that they want us to believe that Brooklyn guys are leading the charge. Specifically, dudes in Williamsburg, Park Slope and Bushwick. In other words, the same neighborhoods where dudes will give you side eye for ordering a bourgie drink instead of a $2 Schlitz or some obscure German craft beer no one’s ever heard of (because PBR’s for mainstreamers and bros, duh.)

True, a quick stroll around the B-K will confirm that every dude looks like a Mumford & Sons/Brawny Man hybrid, complete with requisite facial scruff, but still – no one’s buying that the trend flourishes there. Or that it’s even a trend. Just because Brooklyn’s the epicenter of non-conformity cloaked in conformist, buffalo plaid clothes, doesn’t mean you can leverage it for your own plastic surgeon-subsidized agenda, NY Post and DNA Info. I never thought I’d say this, but  leave the hipsters alone.

hipsterfacialhair

Further, I’ve never heard any female lament that a dude’s forest of facial hair wasn’t lush enough, or that it’s patchy. Ever. Most of us don’t care whether your beard is James Franco in “Pineapple Express” deficient or not – in fact beards tear the hell out of our delicate skin. Entire businesses have been created to prevent such chafing (The Soft Goat, anyone?), so why would we buy that men are follicle freaking out on our accounts?

Because “Beards are an important male identifier,” according to a plastic surgeon sleeping with the writer the medical expert quoted. Wouldn’t that contradict the idea that Brooklyn is the home of facial hair implant zealotry, since men there wear jeans designed to fit 12-year-old girls? That’s right, Post. Nailed it.

In the event any of you were contemplating joining the “2 or 3″ men a week (a soaring population!) who’ve been jumping on the bespoke beard bandwagon, perhaps it’s better to think twice. Eight thousand dollars is a steep price to pay to look rugged. And besides, think of how much Schlitz you could buy with that money…DAPPER WINGMAN

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JUST WINGING IT UPDATE: WHAT GIVES?

214. That’s how many guys have mutually swiped right over my photo on Tinder – two hundred effing fourteen. That’s more total dudes than on 4 NFL teams combined (well, the dressed players at least). And yet how many Tinder dates have I gone on? One.

Likewise, I’ve been active on Match for several weeks now, and how many guys email me to set up dates? None. Well, none that fit into my actual dating parameters, at least…unless I expand my search to include dudes over 45. So, in my frustration and utter confusion, I’ve decided to utilize my resources and ask the masses to weigh in.

Men of online dating. And male readership. And, like, people at large – I need to know. What am I doing wrong here? What gives?

Before you all start crying out that I must be ignoring perfectly good dudes on Match, let me assure you – I’m keeping an open mind. I mean, I’m not willing to compromise on certain things, like the men I date having kids (Miss Wingman’s not ready to be a Wingmom, thankyouverymuch.) But for the most part, I’m letting what guys say dictate my interest, and ignoring superficial things like a receding hairline or a hideous wardrobe.

In fact, I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone entirely and began doing what I’ve never done before in my 30+ years on this planet: making the first move. I’m sending emails to guys, I’m striking up the first chat conversations when I get a new match, and…nothing. Literally, crickets. I hate to sound arrogant here, but I didn’t expect this. I thought that since I don’t post duck face bathroom selfies, don’t look like I have Hepatitis C, and can actually spell, that I’d be able to drum up some interest. But no. I stand corrected.

And frankly, it’s starting to give me a complex.

I’ve emailed like 15 guys on Match to strike up a conversation, to no avail. Not a single reply in the bunch. Here’s an example of a message I’ve used to break the ice with a particularly snarky Brooklynite:

“Quite possibly the only person on this site who’s more of a smartass than I am. Well done. Really quickly: love the kickboxing thing (I do it, too), and like you I also have an unnatural addiction to cheese, which I mitigate by running. We’ve probably crossed paths in the park.

Anyway, check out my profile, and if you come away convinced that I’m neither A) a lunatic nor B) a mutant, feel free to drop me a line. Could be fun to talk further. Take it easy.”

dateless

I’ve also used similar, shorter variations of this message with non-sarcastic dudes telling them that they seem like-minded and interesting, and always try to keep it brief and lighthearted. As for photos, you guys have seen what’s in my profile – and I added a full-body shot of me crossing a race finish line, per your suggestion.

The funny thing is, with Match at least, you can see who’s viewed your profile and when they did. I can only interpret that to mean that, for the guys that I’ve reached out to who have viewed my page after reading my email but then went radio silent, that they decided they’d rather pass than hit that shit (figuratively.) Ouch.

So, fine. Ew. I didn’t want to date you anyway, Doug in Hells Kitchen. The crosstown commute would’ve sucked. (Just kidding, there’s no Doug in HK. There are, however, a lot of men in Kew Gardens. I don’t even know where the hell that is.)

As for Tinder, I’m just chalking it up to the fact that guys use it as a game, and not a mode of actually meeting women in person in NYC. Like a sexier version of Candy Crush – only with chicks instead of lollipops and gummies. Is it laziness, and they aren’t willing to put forth the effort to set up actual dates? Or do I just need some more duck face bathroom mirror selfies? And yes, if I do the latter, you guys get to choose the color of my thong.

Anyway, I have no means for comparison, so if any of my guy friends on Match or Tinder want to offer their consulting services so I can peruse the female merchandise, now’s your chance. Or maybe it’s just time to join OK Cupid…

Until next time, Wingman faithful, as always I’ll be just winging it.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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THERE’S AIRPLANE TINDER NOW. I know.

Wingmandatingapp

Just what we needed – another way to turn the friendly skies into the borderline-creepy skies.

As if Virgin Airlines’ attempt at mile-high macking on the girl 3 rows back wasn’t enough (they’ve previously offered people the option of buying a drink for other passengers via their media controllers), now you can roll up on your fellow fliers even harder. Well, so long as you remain seated while the fasten seatbelt sign is illuminated, at least.

Spot a smokeshow on your flight and wanna know if she’s single? (Say it with me now, all together…) “There’s an app for that.” Introducing Wingman, the newest way to get some nookie on that early morning connection to Houston. Or Chicago. Or anywhere else with a major airport.

So how does it work? Wingman users create a profile, complete with photo, flight number and details like whether they’re traveling for business or, ahem, pleasure (ba dum bum). Then they’re connected with others who’ve downloaded the app and are on the same flight, and voila! They’re free to swipe left or right and start chatting.

The upside? Wingman works over Bluetooth, so if your airline’s Wi-Fi notoriously sucks (I’m looking at you, Southwest), it’s no sweat.

The downside? Wingman isn’t cleared for takeoff yet, but as soon as Apple’s ironclad app store signs off on it, you can ditch your usual go-to airplane pickup line (No, I would not like to borrow your copy of Sky Mall, thanks) and get to digital flirting.

seatbelt

Granted, Tinder’s usually lazy wait time for users to pull the trigger and actually message each other should be circumvented by the fact that, with Wingman, you only have the length of your flight to make a love connection. Possible pitfalls? The odds of multiple people on your 150-person flight A) having the app and B) actually being desirable could be slim, so you might have more luck with that cute flight attendant, but I guess only time will tell.

So pack some breath mints in that carryon the next time you fly, and with any luck you won’t have to rely on the latest Bradley Cooper flick to entertain you for four hours. Buckle up, stretch your legs (or, you know…don’t), and for the love of God, lose the neck pillow.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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HOW TO SURVIVE VALENTINE’S DAY SINGLE

valentines 20sbdotnet

Even if you’re happily single, or single by choice, or any of the other excuses we tell our moms/paired off friends/the Duane Reade check-out guy ringing up our Russell Stover’s sampler to get them to BACK THE EFF OFF, OK? I’M FINE, Valentine’s Day is still an especially heinous day to be solo.

Because seriously, even if you’re genuinely happy with your life (as Miss Wingman is, more so this year than ever), the one day on the calendar when other people’s coupledom makes us more uncomfortable than that Kim and Kanye motorcycle video can still, well, suck.

But fret not, parties of 1, as with past Valentine’s Days, I’m here to dole out more advice to help you navigate Cupid’s unusually cruel gauntlet.

Or, at least just blot it all out until you can safely wake up and it’ll be the 15th. Either way.

1. Stay off social media. Hear me? Stay the fuck off of social media. And if you’re reading this via Facebook, close it (as soon as you’re done.) Unless you like seeing 400 photos of floral arrangements and dinners with the caption “Best boyfriend/girlfriend EVER!!!!” underneath it. Or worse, the dreaded newly-adorned ring finger picture.

*Miss Wingman note: Yes, we are truly happy for you, but seeing this on Instagram makes me want to upload a digit picture of my own…only featuring a different finger.

2. Drink.

3. Treat yo’ self. All that money you’d normally be spending on a significant other today? Use it to buy yourself something nice, like a massage, that sweater you’ve been eyeing, or just some really expensive booze.

Because seriously…

4. Drink. (And eat. At all of these places.)

5. Find your fun friends. You know, the ones who’re always down for the get-down? Yeah them. Then organize a dinner, karaoke or just convince them to skip town with you for the night.

6. Find small friends. Know who’s awesome on Valentine’s Day? Kids. FaceTime your nieces, nephews or friends’ kids and let them remind you how much it rocks to be little on a sugar-centric holiday.

7. Move here. Normally, I loathe everything that comes out of the state of Georgia, but for this, I’ll make an exception.

8. Drink. Not because you’re single, but because it’s Friday.

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind your life. Out with the old, in with deleting your exes from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and (gasp!) your phone. Sounds extreme? I thought so too – at first. But actually, it feels really, really good.

10. Get excited. For the possibility of who (or what)’s to come. Because you may not have everything you want in your life yet, but at least you don’t have the WRONG things. And that’s more than a lot of people can say.

11. Do something awesome. True story, I actually said these words to a friend who recently asked me about my Valentine’s Day plans: “I just want to shoot at some stuff, then get fucked up, is that bad?” As in, I wanted to hit the range and then hit the bars – but the look on her face (coupled with her “Um, I think you’re a dude” comment) told me that my taste isn’t for everyone. Point being, find something you love, whether it be hitting the slopes, live music or binge-watching Netflix, and just do it. Unapologetically, because you can.

And if those plans fall through, you can always…

12. Drink.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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HOW TO DO VALENTINE’S DAY IN NYC

Sure, Valentine’s Day is about telling the person you love how you feel about them with obnoxious shows of Instagram affection and overpriced floral arrangements, but it’s also about food. As in, amazing dinners, free booze, and enough desserts to put you into a blissful sugar coma. And since that last one’s more my style, I teamed up with the always kickass NYC Foodie Finder to bring you the sweetest Valentine’s offerings the Big Apple has to offer.

ROSE DONUTS

DINNER…

Virgola: 28 Greenwich Avenue, New York, NY 10011

Get in the mood sipping oysters in this sexy West Village Oyster & Wine Bar and get extra points for the complimentary Prosecco that comes along with your reservation by using the code “NYCFOODIEFINDER” when booking your reservation in February. Even better than free bubbly? At the end of the month 5% of all of the proceeds of reservations booked with the promo code will be donated to God’s Love We Deliver. 

Tip: Bring a lock for you and your Valentine to put your initials on and hang it on the gate entering to the restaurant with the other “love locks”. Menu & reservations.

Do or Dine: 1108 Bedford Ave. Brooklyn NY 11216

A mix & match Valentine’s dinner set to the soundtrack of Andre 3000′s The Love Below. Yes, you read that right. Tip: The foie gras doughnuts (huh?!) will the seal the deal if you still need some assistance, boys. For reservations, click here.

Da Marcella: Midtown 11 W. 51st St., lower level, or Village, 142 W. Houston St. (between Macdougal and Sullivan), New York, NY

Escape the cold by nestling away in this Mediterranean-inspired taverna, at either of their two NYC locationsTip: Da Marcella’s special prix fixe dinner menu, in addition to the a la carte menu, includes a complimentary champagne toast. If free booze doesn’t warm you up, I don’t know what will. 

Louro: 142 W 10th St, New York, NY 10014

There’s nothing tragic about this menu inspired by tragic love stories throughout history, with this Valentine’s day meal from chef David Santos. Reserve Thursday 2/13- Saturday 2/15 and choose from either a tasting menu for $95, or a 3-course option for $65. Menu and reservations.

Professor Radish – Valentine’s dinner at Zucker Bakery: 433 E 9th St, New York, NY 1000

You’ll be asking Professor Radish to be your Valentine after he makes you a 6-course menu to remember at the Valentine’s edition of his weekly pop up series: dinner in a bakery at Zucker Bakery. Tip: It’s BYOB, so don’t forget the booze! Menu found here.

SWEETS…

MACROON PARLOUR

Macaron Parlour: 111 St. Marks Place between 1st Ave & Avenue A                   

The Macaron Parlour gets even sweeter with their special Valentine Hearts collection macarons available in store. Swoon.

Dough: 448 Lafayette Ave, New York, NY 11205

Lust, passion & desire. Enjoy all 3 this Valentine’s Day with Dough’s limited edition threesome of donuts. Tip: Available for pre-order. Orders must be placed by midnight 2/12. Email orders to dough.valentines@gmail.com.

Dominique Ansel: (yes, the bakery behind the Cronut)189 Spring St, New York, NY 10012

Think pink, eat pink: All of the desserts in Ansel’s pastry case turn pink for one day- Valentine’s! Also totally in love with:

DOMINIQUE ANSEL LOBSTER LINZER

Lobster Linzer- Get serious and tell The One you’re “their lobster” with this adorable raspberry jam-filled linzer cookie.

For The Record: A chocolate candy bar resembling a vintage record, made with dark chocolate and marshmallow filling.

Love Letters: Dark chocolate bars are wrapped as letters in an envelope box. Each bar filled with a layer of crispy praline wafers.

DOMINIQUE ANSEL LETTERS

*Miss Wingman note: This writer’s heart would be signed, sealed, delivered and yours if I ever got these for Valentine’s Day. Such a fun idea!

Big Gay Ice Cream: 61 Grove St,. New York, NY 10014

Better than a bouquet of roses, starting February 13th The Big Gay Ice Cream’s West Village shop is serving up their Valentine’s Sundae with Padma Lakshmi’s rose ice cream, with crushed pistachios and rose-infused whipped cream. Whoa.

Donut Plant: 379 Grand St. or 220 W. 23rd St., New York, NY
Everything’s coming up roses for the month of February, because The Donut Plant is serving up donuts with edible rose petals and rose water glaze. They’re also offering rose marshmallows, rose hot chocolate, and this Valentine’s Day, donut lovers can also fall in love with their heart-shaped donuts, available in rose or passion fruit.
AND FOR SINGLES WHO’D RATHER DRINK THAN MINGLE…
Pork Slope – After Hours: 247 5th Avenue Brooklyn NY 11215

Celebrate being single and get wild with DJs from 9PM-2AM, food from chef Dale Talde and ladies – your first drink is on the house.

Meatball Shop – The Single Jingle Mingle: Underballs at Chelsea TMS (the bar under the Chelsea Meatball shop) 200 9th Avenue 

Reyka Vodka has come up with a night full of drink specials ($2 Be Mine shots and $5 Meat Lover cocktails) and MS chef Daniel Holzman is personally DJ’ing the event. I’m not sure what a Meat Lover cocktail tastes like, but I’ll let you make your own (sexual) joke there – not even going to touch it.

So that’s the V-Day culinary rundown, Wingman faithful. If you love NYC Foodie Finder’s suggestions, make sure follow her at @NYCfoodiefinder on Twitter or Instagram. Cheers!

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