For those of you who can’t be bothered to click the link (seriously, it may be Monday, but how lazy can you be?), here’s the gist: A couple of software engineers in Iceland just designed an award-winning dating app that, when you bump phones…wait for it…tells you whether the person you’re trying to, um, bump in other ways, is a blood relative.
That’s right, boys. If you’re worried about incest – there’s an app for that.
And why the f**k would any guy trying to take that smoke show home from the bar be concerned about such a thing, you ask? Good question. Because apparently, in Iceland – a country with a population of only 320,000 – virtually all of them “can trace their ancestry to the island’s 9th century settlers.” Many of whom, presumably, resemble Bjork. Either that or Ivan Drago’s wife in Rocky IV, with better hair.
I don’t care how hot those viking women are, abort mission and start packing immediately. In fact, one of the most common questions men use in Iceland when they roll up on potential girlfriends isn’t, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” (ironic in and of itself, actually.) It’s “Hverra manna ert þú?” or, literally translated, “Who are your people?” Like, your ancestor people. Like, that’s a real thing. That they really have to ask.
No but seriously, dudes. That’s your cue to leave.
Incidentally, if you’re wondering how the app works, it taps into Iceland’s central genealogical database, which most Icelanders use to trace their lineage. Then, if the nearest ancestor is too closely related, your phone sets off an “incest-prevention alarm,” and sends you a text message.
Which, I’d imagine, says something like “Congratulations, your grandparents just c**k-blocked you.”
Anyway, sorry to disappoint all you curious types, but in order to download the app, you must have an Icelandic social security number. Guess you’ll just have to take your chances that you won’t run into your latest conquest at the family reunion. And for those of you in states like West Virginia, good luck with that.