WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DATE IN NYC. BASICALLY.

Because someone out there understands the struggle – and has way, way more time on their hands than I do – this video parody of the Tinder dating app has just surfaced. (Also, if you didn’t know what Tinder was without the description, what the eff are you doing on this site?)

While I have little doubt that the people who made this gem will get it picked up as a series, I have even less doubt that dudes like “Trent,” the human embodiment of Goldman fin-ANCE smugness, will ever cease to exist in Manhattan. I know guys like him. I’ve dated guys like him. Hell, make that five.

Never has their been a more spot on representation of the gaping self awareness chasm between people who are on a date where one person thinks it’s going well, and the other person is wondering if their butter knife is sharp enough to open up a vein.

I have so many favorite lines in this (“Now, is that volunteer?”/ “Honestly, I just assumed they had a separate Timber for each borough”/ “It’s like watching a water bed, ughh”), but you can choose your own. It’s pretty long (that’s what she said), but so worth the watch.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MEN OF TINDER

tinder2

This past weekend, surrounded by booze, basketball and friends who were singing the praises – and pitfalls – of Tinder, Miss Wingman finally broke down and installed the app that all the kids are using these days. And yes, that statement makes me sound like my parents (“What is this, the Tinder?”)

In the ensuing days, I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit down the Tinder rabbit hole, perusing the man-ventory and taking stock of the culture. And what I’ve learned, in the words of Jay-Z, is “That shit cray” (in a good way.) Still, I thought it best to provide a Public Service Announcement to the men of Tinder, for your sake and for the sake of all the females out there who may or may not be suffering from Swiping PTSD. Here goes…

Dear Dudes of Tinder,

Congratulations on completing the rigorous task of downloading a mobile app in your pursuit of some female companionship! How very gallant of you. I’m sure you’re having a blast, but just in case you’re finding that your courtships aren’t as fruitful as you’d like them to be, I thought I’d provide you with some do’s and don’ts to aid you in your search. Sorry to be a Negative Nelly, but let’s start with the Don’ts, shall we? Boys, kindly avoid these types of photos:

The Group Fake Out - Every shot has more dudes in it than the first string of a football team. Which one are you? Who of this group looks like a Doug? The fuck if I know.
Photo Disappointment - This is what results from group shots. It’s not a good idea to surround yourself with your hot friends, FYI. It just bums us out when we realize you’re not the one with the cute dimples, but the one rocking the Jeter fade.
Weaponry - I love shooting, too. But what part of seeming approachable to total strangers who are smaller than you involves a .38 or a .20 gauge? Confused.
Foreigners - Just curious, “Englishman in NYC,” Irish dude or ambiguously South American guy, is there anything other than soccer in your country? Nice jersey.
Cats - So many guys posing with cats! Why why why? Least sexy visual ever…unless it’s a jungle cat.
Wounds, gore or blood - I don’t get it, are you trying to pick up a triage nurse?
Profile shots of objects/landscapes instead of, like, you – You’ve just told us that there’s a strong likelihood that you may or may not be a total mutant. Thanks for the heads up!
Girlfriends, wedding rings - Seriously? Not interested in being a sister wife, sorry.
Visibly f**ked up - Just a thought here, but you might want to try to appear sober in at least one of your photos. Maybe?
Eating – nay, inhaling, food - Things I’ve never thought: “Damn, that guy looks really sexy destroying that Big Mac.” True story.
“Look At How Manly I Am” shots - Ironmans are badass, fine. Tough Mudders? Ever since your little sister and her friends started doing them, eh, not so much.
Excessive muscles and/or tattoos - Sends the same message as the above. Also, a surefire way to half your female prospects. Giant lats aren’t for everyone.
The Hot Girl Heram - Congrats. Being surrounded by 9′s showcases your extraordinary ability to… be in close physical proximity to attractive people. Impressive, bro.
Extreme landscapes (read: the desert, bottom of the ocean, atop a mountain or in front of one of the 7 Wonders of the World) – There’s a fine line between being adventurous, and being a one-man National Geographic. Your living room would’ve been fine.

Unabashedly douchey settings - The red pants, popped collar group shot with girls in tennis skirts = us not being able to tell if the theme of your party was “preppy white people of privilege,” or if you’re just like that.
The Peen - Dick pics, really? WTF is wrong with you people?
Selfies in your car, hotel room or (God help me) shirtless in the bathroom mirror - Do I even need to explain? Just. Stop.

I hope that helps clear things up a bit? Alright then. With regard to quotes, gentlemen, please avoid:

The “Don’t worry, I’ll tell people we met at Whole Foods, a book store, or fill in the blank location” joke - Wasn’t funny the first 5 times we read it! Also, what’s wrong with meeting people on Tinder anyway?
Philosophical bullshit - Thanks for that borrowed Nietsche quote. If I wanted to be enlightened, I’d have one of those black, framed Successories jawns on my desk.
Literary quotes - See above, and swap out Nietsche for Camus.
Being a Regulation Asshole - Saying, “Why does every girl I meet on here want to get married? Whatever, most of them are fatter in person anyway,” shockingly does not endear you to us. Crazy, I know.

But since Miss Wingman doesn’t love excessive finger wagging, here are some Do’s to serve as helpful tips to the slightly Tinder Challenged. Do:

Have more than 1 photo - Let’s face it, any 4 can get lucky and look like a 7 just once if the camera angle is just right. Prove it’s not a fluke. However…
Limit photos to 3 - More than that can work against you. As in, “Ooh, he was so close until I saw him in that deep V-neck tee and rosary necklace.” (Left swipe.)
Make your face actually visible - Because we’re not interested in the Here’s-what-I-look-like-as-seen-through-a-telescope-from-outerspace portrait. Sorry.
Add useful information - Like your (hopefully socially acceptable) height, and phrases like, “Not my kid.” Thanks for clearing that up, bro. Speaking of height…
Remember size matters - It sucks, I know, but if you’re vertically challenged, you’re in luck! We can’t tell until we meet you in person, when you’ll be in a solid position to win us over with your wit and charm anyway. You’re just not doing yourself any favors by standing next to two of your 6’3″ buddies (or, like, a petite chick) and tipping us off ahead of time.

Also remember, dudes of Tinder, this rule: Things that don’t automatically make us like you? Boat shots, saying you’re a “Princeton grad” and expensive cars. Especially if the car has “Maserati of Manhattan” stenciled on the side. But don’t sweat it! There’re plenty of possibilities to make a successful connection on Tinder. That’s where savvy messaging and a nice smile comes in handy.

In reality, no “About me” section is necessary, and frankly it sometimes works against you. When emailing, don’t be afraid to get to the “Let’s meet up” point quickly, since by swiping right we’ve basically already admitted that we’d entertain sleeping with you. Or at least, that we don’t find the idea to be abhorrent. Score! So go out there, have some fun with it, and find your next hot date (er, hookup. whatever.) Just don’t swipe left by accident.

Cheers,
Miss WingmanTHAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter

NEW STUDY FINDS COUPLES ARE HAVING SEX FOR REALLY EFFED UP REASONS.

couplebed

Because everyone needs their worldview toppled every now and again, a new study from the University of Toronto just shattered my optimism by isolating the real reasons couples have sex. And trust me – it’s not what you think.

Rather than doing the deed for fun, to relieve sexual tension, or just out of plain old Lusty McPleasureson reasons (how novel), researchers found that couples’ horizontal motivations fell into one of two categories: approach or avoidance.

Holy f**king depressing, Canada. Thanks a lot.

The approach method means that the participants are trying to feel connected to their partner, and the avoidance motive “aims to evade a negative outcome,” i.e. to avoid conflict or to avoid feeling guilty. And speaking as a female who (earmuffs, mom and dad) genuinely enjoys having sex, I have to say, wow – it just doesn’t get any more romantic than that, gentlemen.

The study included couples who were dating, cohabitating, or married, and further divided the avoidance and approach findings down into self-focused and partner-focused goals.

While the survey found that motivations were generally similar whether the couples were dating, cohabitating, or actually married, regardless of the respondent’s gender, and also didn’t vary greatly depending upon frequency of sexual encounters (ugh, really?), they did learn that a person’s sexual motivation greatly affected his or her partner’s gratification. I mean…duh.

So basically, couples know each other well enough to know when their partner’s heart isn’t in it, or when his or her motivations are off. Which, while still depressing, is at least a good sign. Right? Trying to find a silver lining here, people.

Interestingly enough, researchers placed special focus on whether it really matters to your partner why you want to have sex, so long as they’re getting what they want. The answer, they found, is yes. Additionally, they aimed to find out if it’s better to have sex for negative, or avoidance, reasons than not at all, and found that the answer is…complicated.

“Research shows that on days when we have sex we feel more satisfied in our relationship than on days when we don’t. And yet when people have sex more often for negative motives, the bad outcomes build up over time.” Sigh. So then are we all figuratively, if not literally, screwed?

Not necessarily. The study suggested that for couples feeling like they’d just rather go to sleep most nights, they should try tuning into the emotional connection between his or herself and their partner to help the physical connection fall into place. Communicating more about topics outside of the bedroom not surprisingly helps resolve issues inside the bedroom. So get to talking, everybody. Stat.

And if all else fails, there’s always lingerie, porn, or hitting the gym to try and rev up a stalled sex life. Just don’t resort to the charity f**k. There’s nothing worse than throwing your partner a bone out of sheer obligation. Except, you know, not doing it at all.GEEK WINGMAN

Facebook Twitter

THE NEW DATING APP FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KILL THEIR CHANCES.

Fact: Most people aren’t funny. Or overly charming – in under 30 seconds at least. And yet, newly released dating app Charm is ignoring that fundamental truth and insisting upon replacing traditional profile photos with Vine-like selfie videos. So, potential daters who’re trying to be charm-ing (hey-o!) in mere seconds can now fail miserably and in color. Awesome idea.

The rationale behind the switch from still pixels to moving video is that now users can avoid the rampant misrepresentation so often associated with outdated photos on dating sites. Thus, if you’ve gone from looking like Jon Hamm to John Goodman in the past few years, you’re out of luck, bro. To see what I’m talking about, watch the clip below.

Also, WHY THE EFF IS EVERYONE ON THERE 12? Do college sophomores and juniors need to be on a dating site? What happened to good old fashioned meet people at a keg party, friend them on Facebook, have sloppy hook up sex then delete them? Jesus, kids, you’re doing it wrong.

But I digress. My biggest problem with the app is that its creators have clearly overestimated the public’s ability to not be hopeless tools on this platform. So, unless you’re attracted to people who look like they’re the next contestant on “America’s Got No Talent Or Sense Of Humor,” you’ll likely be as underwhelmed by your offerings as I was when I watched some of these videos. With my eyes covered. And my lunch bubbling up.

If what’s made apps like Tinder a success is the casual, not overly personal feel to it, then Charm is going in the wrong direction entirely – because nothing’s more intimate than attempting to twerk or lip sync to Drake for total strangers.

The site’s tag line, “Because you are so much more than a profile pic,” may be well-intentioned, but I think the traditional look-hot-and-don’t-talk approach was working just fine before this, thank you very much. True, people definitely are so much more than their photos, but at least a profile pic doesn’t make you sit through all the lyrics to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball.”THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

 

Facebook Twitter

10 PLAYED OUT WORDS & PHRASES TO STOP USING. IMMEDIATELY.

Miss Wingman spends an unnatural amount of time on social media scouring for ideas and cultivating topics for your leisure reading enjoyment. Thus, it stands to reason that eventually, I’d grow tired of some of the most overused phrases that people spew forth in their status updates and Twitter feeds. (Full disclosure, I’m guilty of some of these, too.)

So forgive the departure from my usual dating advice, but here are the 10 words & phrases that, while once alive and well, should now die a slow and painful Internet death. (Sorry, millenials.)

Sorry not sorry. This sounds like something a 15-year-old girl would say while applying lipgloss in her locker mirror. It’s more infantile than DGAF. In any case, unless you’re telling someone that Wednesdays are for wearing pink, and sweatpants mean you can’t sit with us, maybe let this one die. (“Gretchen, stop trying to make ‘Fetch’ happen. It’s not going to happen.”)

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

You guys… Are all 856 people you just sent that update/Tweet out to on your speed dial? Are they your besties? Because if not, presenting your thoughts like this sounds like we should be braiding each others’ hair and sending out snapchats while we discuss.

That moment when… I’ll admit it. I’ve used this one in a “That moment when you realize you had a sticker stuck to your ass after you’ve walked 20 blocks in public”-kind of way. But still, much like the “Dear (so and so), blah blah blah short revelation. Love, me” status update that people adore so much, for some reason, when this one gets stale, it gets really, really stale.

______ is everything. Paging Rachel Zoe, half of the writers at US Weekly, and, like, every fashion blogger in America. Posting “OMG, this GIF of Jennifer Lawrence in Chanel is everything!” is not only inaccurate, it’s depressing. Because if that shit really is everything, then I’ll be forced to tap out now, thanks.

phrases

…said no one, ever. I mean, I’m just spitballing here, but if no one ever said that sarcastic/ironic thing you just pointed out, then maybe you shouldn’t, either?

Epic. The only overused word I despise more than “twerk.” Was that story about your night of drinking/five-tiered cheeseburger/the backflip some guy just did composed like a lengthy Greek narrative? Did it involve someone named Odysseus? No? Then you’re using it wrong, brah. And it probably wasn’t as awesome as you think.

‘Murica, Errrday, or any general misuse of the letter “r.” This may be kind of insensitive, but did you just have a stroke? Is the “r” key on your keyboard stuck? Because those are the only excuses for talking like you’re Lil’ Wayne after too much sizzurp. Also, stay away from that purple drank, kids.

Farm-to-table. Don’t misunderstand, I’m all for the idea of buying fresh, locally grown, not mass produced food. But this phrase, while culinarily accurate, just can’t help but sound… a little douchey. Like, I get it, I just think if you use these words in combination, there better be a man in overalls holding a pitchfork hand delivering me my dinner.

Content anything (creation, strategist, etc), crowdsourcing, or any other media buzzword people use that may or may not sound like a made up job. And no, I will not donate to your Kickstarter. And finally…

Cronut. Because seriously, shut the eff up about cronuts already.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

Facebook Twitter

THIS WOMAN HACKED ONLINE DATING’S ALGORITHM AND FOUND A HUSBAND. NO, REALLY.

hackedonlinedating

Whoever said that you don’t look for love, it finds you, has obviously never met Amy Webb. Six years ago, after experiencing the fahhhhk-what-am-I-going-to-do-now death blow of a particularly bad breakup, she did what any resourceful woman in her 30′s would do and turned to online dating. But, frustrated by the lack of marriageable prospects she was finding, Webb, a self-described “numbers person,” turned to a system she could understand better to help her sort through the riffraff: data.

Since my mathematic prowess peaked in 11th grade AP Calculus, I won’t even try to explain how she came up with her own algorithm to assign a points system to prospective suitors. Miss Wingman basically counts on an abacus, and most days I’m lucky if I can remember the 4-digit code to unlock my iPhone. So instead, I’ll let her do it.

But I will add for those who’re too ADD to sit through the video of her amazing TED talk (it’s long, I know – but worth it), that it included creating dummy profiles of fictitious men to emulate the characteristics she saw in her successful female “competition,” coming up a with a new 72-data point requirement scale, and also, getting scammed along the way by a date into footing a lavish dinner bill which cost her nearly a month’s rent. Ouch.

Oh, and my favorite part, finding empirical proof that there were approximately 35 men in the entire city of Philadelphia’s 750,000-male population who fit her dating criteria. If that’s not a kick in the junk, I don’t know what is.

Needless to say, she not only narrowed her search with laser precision, but she was able to find the man she eventually married and with whom she now has a daughter. So, suck on that, people who say that everything’s written in the stars. Sometimes that shit’s written in javascript, and only the spreadsheet strong will survive.

But even if the rest of us aren’t able to go all “A Beautiful Mind” on online dating, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t valuable takeaways from Webb’s stint as the Romantic Rain Man. Thus, here’re 5 lessons the Looking For Love crowd can learn from the woman who hacked her way to a husband.

webbcharming

5. A picture’s worth a thousand words…or at least, a few dozen date requests, so long as you look hot in it. So change out those photos that show off your creative and quirky side and show the audience what they really want to see: that you’re not a total sloth. And, if you are a total sloth, don’t sweat it. Just try to look your Sunday best and hope that Ms. Sloth is trolling your profile, too.

4. It’s the big stuff that matters, not the details. As Webb pointed out, it’s nice to find people who have the same taste in movies, but it’s nicer to find people who share the same core values and social attitudes. Sure, I’d love to find the Ryan Reynolds look alike whose iPod is also Beastie Boys heavy, who plays hockey, loves sarcasm, hates loud chewers, and whose favorite movie is also “Braveheart.” But I’ll settle for the guy who’s supportive of me and compassionate to others. That works, too.

3. There are, sadly, a lot of assholes out there. That said, it’s important to always remember that those assholes exist regardless of how you act, how you look or what you say – it’s no reflection on you. Just do your best to try not to focus on them.

2. Grandparents are always right. And finally…

1. …Except in this case, her grandmother was – sorry, Nana – wrong. Don’t let people tell you you’re being too picky, just know the difference between being selective and lacking perspective. Prioritize what you want in a mate, and don’t settle for less than you deserve.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Set the bar. And no matter how tired your arm gets holding it up there while you wait, don’t lower it. The payoff will come eventually, you just have to keep the faith. Or, if you’re this chick, keep the algorithm going. Here’s hoping we all crack the code, too.GEEK WINGMAN

 

Facebook Twitter

THINK BEFORE YOU…YOU KNOW.

People, please. Control yourselves.

There are some places you just shouldn’t have sex. Like, for instance, on railroad tracks. When a train is coming. And you’re drunk.

In the latest (yes, latest. Sigh…) impossibly stupid and unfortunate case of bumping uglies turned ugly, a couple in the Ukraine just found out the hard way that man’s primal urges are no match for the raw power of a man-made switcher locomotive. This lesson came when it bore down on the pair, who were having sex on the active tracks, killing her and costing him his legs.

Now, I know it’s no laughing matter, but if you’re like me, you’re probably thinking, “What the eff? They couldn’t find a safer place to get it on? Like, say… in the middle of a drone strike, up against a high-rise window, or atop one of those rickety footbridges from ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom’?”  Ummmmm, apparently not.

Officials said the “30-something woman” and her 41-year-old male companion were walking home from a friend’s party and, presumably, feeling frisky when they decided they wanted to “experience an extreme sensation near the railroad tracks.”

I mean… There’s so much irony in that statement that I won’t even touch it. It’s too easy.

railroadcrossingflickrwadeharris

What I will do is offer up arguably the most obvious advice I’ve doled out on this site thus far by imploring all of you to STOP HAVING SEX IN STUPID PLACES. Scratch that – in dangerous places. There isn’t a single sexual pleasure that outweighs the suck factor of having your legs sliced off. Or, like, hurtling to your death. Just cut that shit out already.

Wingman faithful, I’m confident that you possess more self control than a rabbit. Or a high schooler. Or, that you can at least shelve the passion until you get to a place where you and your companion won’t end up as a pun-filled Twitter headline. So please, raise the bar. I know you can do it.

The only upside to this story is that the sex must’ve been so earth-shatteringly good that the couple didn’t even feel a goddamn train bearing down on them (hats off to you, bro.) If you absolutely must check out, I guess there’re worse ways to go.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter