(It’s OK, side eye all you want. I’d hate me too.)
But now I’m back and ready do dole out more life lessons, female musings, and wisdom of the “WTF are you doing, bro?” kind. So I thought I’d start with my response to an article I’d seen a while back from the
douchebag dude behind the GS Elevator account. I’m usually equal parts amused by and skeptical of it, as it’s pretty much the definition of trolling. But if Goldman Sachs can put out life rules for men, then so can this broad.
I give you Miss Wingman’s Guide To Being A Man, which may serve double duty as your set of resolutions for 2014, if you’re so inclined.
Some of these can apply to the ladies, too, but all of them should be gospel truth. Now good luck, god speed, and may your year be full of love and free of D-bags.
*The car you drive and the suit you wear aren’t the measure of a man. How you treat the valet, the waiter and the guy who shines your shoes are stronger indicators.
*Never ask the woman at the bar if the scotch she just ordered is for her. It probably is, and she’ll definitely hate you for it.
*You are never above doing your own laundry.
*Obey the rule of 3′s: be with a girl who makes you a better version of yourself, makes you laugh, and most importantly, won’t take any of your shit.
*Learn how to dance, how to throw a decent hook, and how to change your oil. Even if you never use any of the three.
*Tattoos and whiskey shots may be a source of regret, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t partake.
*Know the difference between making a living and creating a life.
*To that end, a good woman will be more concerned that you do something fulfilling for a living than something that looks good on paper. Money comes and goes, but you can’t put a price on peace of mind.
*Never be the guy who laughs the loudest in the room, or who wears the most cologne. Especially the latter.
*Regret is a terrible thing. Appreciate her, or someone else will.
*Return the favor. And yes, that means what you think it does.
*Tell the truth, even if it’ll hurt someone. Don’t let cowardice be your legacy.
*Offer your elbow to old ladies crossing the street, and your coat to shivering females. Both will be appreciated.
*Find your passion. And a decent tailor.
*Stop calculating your life so much. Saying you’ll do something when your job looks this way, or your relationship looks that way is a crutch. The perfect time to do anything may never come, sometimes you just have to act.
*Keep your phone in your pocket while at dinner or out with a woman. If you must check it, excuse yourself and apologize. There are few things as appreciated as your undivided attention.
*Late night pizza is always a good idea. Drunk grilling is not.
*Loyalty is a lost art. If you find people who possess it, hold on with two hands.
*If you start a sentence with “I swear I’m not racist, but…” or “I don’t mean to be a jerk, but…” probably don’t finish it.
*Call your mother. And your grandparents.
*Perfect the art of the wink. And the dance floor dip.
*If she seems high maintenance – especially in the beginning – she probably is.
*Never take a bet that involves sriracha, tequila or cinnamon.
*Own a hard copy of your favorite book. And at least some of the classics (but not for our benefit, for yours.)
*Ask her parents.
*Long car rides are for singing out loud to good music. And if you get caught by another driver, smile and keep singing.
*Know how to cook at least 3 things well. And no, boiling pasta doesn’t count.
*If you’re lucky enough to have a woman in your bed, don’t sleep with your back facing her.
*Run a marathon.
*Offer up at least one of your Saturdays to help people less fortunate. You’ll get more out of it than they will.
*Don’t own a “going out shirt.” And if you do, burn it.
*Know when you’ve stayed too long at the party.
*If the bartender buys you a round, double his tip AND learn his name.
*No bathroom mirror selfies. Also, never use the word “selfie.”
*Don’t download games on your phone or multiple dating apps. They’re a time suck, and you could be doing something better with that time.
*Relationships take effort and require you to Never. Stop. Trying. The trick is to find the woman who’s worth the inconvenience.
*Clip your nails. (For the love of God, boys, clip your nails.)
*Own a sturdy umbrella, a quality overcoat, a good set of steak knives AND a vacuum. Especially the last one.
*It is your god-given right to watch that playoff game, nap on Sunday, or crack open a cold beer after mowing the lawn. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
*Never use emoticons or pet names with a girl. Or at least don’t admit to it.
*When you have children, take them hunting and fishing (sorry, PETA.) Both teach them to have patience, and neither’s gender specific.
*And finally, the only one I’ll borrow from GS: Gentlemen, when in doubt, always kiss the girl.