THERE GOES YOUR NO-BAG EXCUSE, FELLAS.

It’s good to know that charitable foundations are spending time on the really important things, like effing up your sex life.

That’s right, gentlemen, you now have The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to thank for new condom innovations that will leave dudes everywhere without an excuse to not wear a bag. Ever again.

See? Philanthropy can be used for feeding the poor, educating the masses AND C-blocking you. Literally.

But in all seriousness, faced with the global problem of eliminating sexually transmitted viruses, the spread of HIV and unwanted pregnancies, the Gates Foundation challenged scientists to design a condom that men and women would actually want to use. They aimed to develop one that men would hardly notice, but would still be strong enough to prevent the passing of pathogens. The winners were just announced, and the results were of the innovation level one would expect. Which is to say, pretty f&%king impressive.

gatesfoundationcondoms

So what can dudes expect to be donning on their D? How about a condom with easy pull on tabs that snaps open and slides on like a sock over a foot, thereby eliminating any fumbling around in the dark. Or, one made of beef tendon-based collagen that feels like actual skin, not like a synthetic rubber barrier. Or even one that contracts to fit your, um, member like shrink wrap upon heat activation. I know. That shit cray.

Luckily, these reinvented condoms won’t be for sale for a little over a year, so you have some time left to whine about how they kill the sensation, are too tight (Hahaha. Wait…hahaha), or that you just don’t have one handy. Until then, happy wrapping, boys.GEEK WINGMAN

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WHAT CITY GUYS CAN LEARN FROM SOUTHERN MEN

weddingwire

weddingwire

The good news is, chivalry isn’t dead. The bad news? It’s geographically challenged. This weekend, Miss Wingman ventured south of the Mason Dixon line, and what I found were a whole lot of guys with good manners. Popped collars, sure, but still – manners.

Anyone who reads this site even casually will have heard me beg, plead and implore the male population at large to up their etiquette game. It is, in my opinion, an even bigger contributor to the death of courtship than Snapchat and sext pics. And not just in NYC, although we seem to have cornered the market on dudes with bad manners up here.

But I was reminded of the difference between those southern gentlemen and the guy who will chat you up in the East Village on a Saturday night after spending 72 hours surrounded by my friends and their Georgia- and Virginia-bred buddies.

So, here are some lessons Miss Wingman would like to impart on What City Guys Can Learn From Southern Men when it comes to women. You might not like it, y’all, but it had to be said.

They treat all women the same. Whether it’s a girl they’re hooking up with, or just a female friend of a friend who’s out with the crew, chairs are offered up, taxi doors are opened and bags are carried. It may be extra effort, but it’s part of their upbringing. A damn sexy part.

They dress well. No one says you have to leave the house looking like Carlton Banks every day, but all the dudes I encountered, from the farm to the fratty bars, had a polished, put together appearance. None of this rumpled t-shirt bullshit. Button downs and sweaters may not be your style, bro, but at least aim for a clean shave.

They don’t go dutch. I lost track of how many times I was handed a drink or asked if a dude could get me anything, but I do remember how many times they let me kick in money: 0. There’s something to be said for the “you pay for a lady” mentality (um, not in the prostitute way, though.)

I know most of you will complain that if you’re not a Rockefeller or an I-banker that can get costly, but hear this: a little class goes a long way, fellas. Good luck, and to the men of New York, consider this gauntlet thrown.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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ON GYM DATES BEING A THING NOW.

 

Nouveaudating.com

I get it, we’re all busy. Between work, and work, and whatever else it is people do these days (work…in NYC, at least) we barely have time to get a haircut or do laundry, let alone have a bumpin’ social life. That’s why gym dating has become increasingly popular. After all, there’s nothing like saying, “I sorta like you…enough to multi-task you with my cardio, at least.”

While gym dating isn’t a bad idea, it does make for some potentially awkward situations. On the one hand, you get to focus on your fitness and spend some time with that person you’ve been meaning to grab drinks with, not to mention getting a glimpse into their motivation, coordination level and character in general. Or, as Details so accurately put it, “nibbling entrees won’t reveal as much about the other person as a round of burpees might.”

But on the other hand, you’ve got the drenched in sweat factor. Speaking of burpees, as someone whose gym is strictly boxing/kickboxing, I have to say sexy is the farthest thing from what I feel when I’m done with my workout. Granted, I don’t expect to look pretty after an hour of roundhouse kicks, left hooks and conditioning drills (seriously, f**k you, jump squats), and I throw side eye at people who complain that the classes are too hard – that’s the point — but still, not sexy.

I’d imagine the same level of disheveled exertion exists after a spinning class, too (and don’t even think of taking Bikram a deux. That shit’s never pretty.) But even though I’m a proponent of exercise dating, I still believe there are some girl guidelines of which you should be made aware.

These New Rules of “Actively Dating” (ba dum bum) are the following…

*Choose an activity that suits her. If she’s never expressed an interest in water, perhaps kayaking isn’t the best lead off date. Hiking, bicycling, indoor rock climbing or intramural sports are more suitable kickass options.

*Skip the small talk. Activities like running can be tricky — unless you both run comparable distances, at a similar pace. And don’t mind being alongside each other in relative silence. If you can lightly chat despite all those pitcher-fueled Sunday benders, more power to you, but panting’s not a good look.

*Watch your eyes. No matter how see-through those Lulu Lemon pants are, don’t let your gaze linger on our physique for too long. Or worse, on someone else’s. I know you boys already know this, but even if that yoga class is full of smoke shows, don’t let us catch you stealing a glimpse of the girl on the adjacent mat. Um, good luck with that.

*Don’t choose a workout that will leave you too exhausted to socialize afterward. Hitting up the juice bar for a quick get-to-know-you is a good plan, but if you actually want to spend more of the day with her later, leave some gas left in the tank.

*There’s a difference between compliments and condescension. Commenting on how good we are at (fill in the blank) activity is flattering. Genuine shock at a girl who can work a speed bag is not.

*Humility’s key. Don’t offer to hit that barre method class expecting it to be a walk in the spandex-clad park. Sometimes “women’s workouts” are tougher than you think, bro.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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12 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT PENISES. YUP.

Everyone knows Movember (or “No shave November” for you squares) means you and your buddies get to look like a mixture of Hulk Hogan, Tom Selleck and a banjo player for Mumford & Sons for a full calendar month and no one gets to be all judge-y about it. Because it’s for charity.

But not everyone knows that it’s to raise awareness for prostate, testicular and other male cancers, which basically makes it the male equivalent of the “Save The Boobies” October campaign for women. (*Sidenote, I detest that slogan.)

So in honor of all things peen-related, I give you 12 Facts About Your Penis, gentlemen. All data is scientific, some thoughts are female-tific (SHUTUPITSAREALWORD), but all are spot-on accurate. Enjoy.

Tosh.0

Tosh.0

12. Every penis used to be a clitoris. Ironic, since female readers tell me frequently how some you wouldn’t seem to know what to do with the “c” word if one hit you in the face (um, figuratively), let alone having your own equipment derived from one. But yes, every penis in the womb starts out as a clitoris (“Delores? Mulva?”) before hormones ‘sex’ the brain of the to-be male.

But your penis didn’t forget where it came from, it’s dark underskin (“taint” for the less clinical) and thin seam that runs from scrotum to anus, known as the raphe, are remnants of the fusion of the vaginal lips. I know. Mind. Blown.

11. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter, since erections require good blood flow and smoking calcifies blood vessels. F**k being wary of choking your lungs with tar and carcinogens, this is the best anti-smoking campaign for men ever. And speaking of size…

10. The largest penis to ever be medically verified was 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches in circumference. DAMN. Dudes begin hating that guy in 3, 2, 1… Since the Average Joe’s wang is 6.2 inches long when fully erect, I think I speak for all females when I say, “That shit cray.” But, since the average vajajay is only 3 – 4 inches deep, that shit might also be overkill.

9. The average male orgasm lasts six seconds, while women get 23 seconds. Clearly, that makes us four times more awesome.

phallic_pasta

8. Semen is low calorie. Yup, it contains only one to seven calories per…deposit. That’s about the same as a cup of fresh spinach, according to Men’s Health. Ew. But have fun trying to convince your woman she should go downtown because it’s less fattening than Pinkberry. And while we’re on the topic…

7. Lay off the red meat and dairy produce, as they’ve been proven to cause the worst tasting spunk. Somewhere, asparagus is feeling vindicated. Great, just what vegans needed, another reason to be smug.

6. The most utilized penis in history – or the one that’s enjoyed the most women – was that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women, seven a day, between 1770 and 1784. No word if that enjoyment went both ways, though.

5. Cheaters have big balls. Obviously, as in audacity, but also in actual larger testicle size, too. And according to a recent study, are most likely to be driving an Audi. (I won’t even touch that – the Audi fact, not the giant balls. Well, those too.)

4. There is a park in South Korea full of penises. It’s a tribute to an old fishing legend about a mariner whose virgin girlfriend drowned after he left her on a rock, causing the village a fishing drought.  Erecting (zing!) phallus-shaped sculptures and statues turned the curse around – naturally, because duh – and visitors can still go there today. Speaking of too many penises…

3. Diphallus is a rare condition affecting one in 5.5 million males where they’re born with two penises. F**king. Stud. Unfortunately, it’s rare that both are fully functional, and usually requires surgery to correct the deformity. Men everywhere just simultaneously thought the same thing. “Deformity?! More like rockstar.”

2. No brain involvement is necessary for ejaculation. The physiological order actually comes from the spinal cord.

Women everywhere just simultaneously thought the same thing. “No brain required? We could’ve told you that.”

1. Penis breakage is real, and it’s ugly. Every year, at least 200 Americans and 30-40 Britons break their penises, causing an “audible crack” and painful swelling, either during violent intercourse or during the most common cause of penile rupture, vigorous masturbation.

I’m just going to leave this here. GEEK WINGMAN

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OH MY GOD THIS. SO MUCH OF THIS.

Holy shit, someone just came up with the best dude invention ever. Granted, you might argue that Miss Wingman is wrong, since it involves some pain on your part to facilitate more happiness on ours (suck it up, fellas), but I disagree. This. Is. Amazing.

So what is this miracle product?

Oh, just sandpaper…for your face. FTW? Stop being a pussy, bro, and listen up. A company called The Soft Goat (I won’t even ask) just solved the skin-chafing problem caused by your razor stubble after you get up close and personal with that girl you’ve been talking to lately. You know, where she comes away from that kissing session looking like her skin just went through a cheese grater? Right. Not a good look for us.

The blotchiness-prevention trick comes in the form of a hypoallergenic foam pad layered with abrasive paper. But don’t worry, the designers spent years honing the coarseness to find just the right balance between effectively stubble-softening, and won’t rip open your skin.

By rubbing the “sandpaper” over your stubble, the prickly edges get rounded down, much like what happens when two pieces of sandpaper are rubbed together. But don’t use it on just shaved skin or attempt it on a full beard, it’s not designed to handle that – and neither are you. 

The Soft Goat

The Soft Goat

So, why sandpaper and not something less…medieval sounding? Traditional products like beard oils or conditioning agents are made to soften the longer hairs of your beard, but don’t work on stubble. Additionally, lotions and creams are no match for your 5 o’clock shadow, however it’s been groomed. Just keep the lotion in your nightstand where it belongs, boys.

Kidding. Definitely don’t do that.

The scruff and goatee softener comes in a box of three and retails for $11.99 – a small price to pay for the gratitude she’ll feel when she can makeout with you without looking like she just ate shellfish and broke into hives. Consider this payback for all of the “Beauty is pain” rituals we put ourselves through for your benefit, gentlemen. And hey, if you (don’t) scratch our backs, we might be more inclined to scratch yours.DAPPER WINGMAN

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NEW UBER-GROUNDBREAKING STUDY PROVES MEN OGLE WOMENS’ BODIES MORE THAN FACES

BREAKING: Science can now confirm what everyone already knew – that men are Pervy McSexersons when looking at photos of womens’ bodies. Or at least, that they spend way more time checking out the breasts/hips portion of the pictures than the females’ actual faces. Because, you know, who actually cares what our smile looks like or if we have kind eyes?

And speaking of eyes, that’s how researchers at the University of Nebraska – Lincoln came to prove this long suspected theory – by using eye tracking technology to gauge where their participants’ eyes lingered when shown photos of various women. Even when the men were told to focus more on evaluating a woman’s expressions and personality, women with more curves get more positive personality ratings. Shocking, I know.

But seriously, I don’t know why anyone’s even bothering to act outraged, disappointed or surprised by this study (ahem, looking at you, Jezebel.) Dudes ogling womens’ figures? That doesn’t make you a creep, gentlemen, that’s just because science. Duh.

Kidding, you’re definitely not off the hook. The study doesn’t delve into the reasons why men engage in this oh so upstanding don’t-care-what-your-face-looks-like-only-your-ass behavior, and it doesn’t give you an excuse. It just puts actual data behind this theory, which has been self-reported and long held by women.

So does this mean we should stop spending money on teeth whitening strips, smoky eyeshadow and expensive haircuts, since none of you A-holes care about that anyway? Hardly. At least not in this girl’s opinion. I do those things because I take pride in my appearance. But I can’t say I’m not going to do an extra set of squats at the gym later, either.

Thinkstock

Thinkstock

For the record, the study showed that women also stared longer at the females’ figures than at their faces. Though for entirely different reasons, one would assume.

While researchers posited that the men’s motivations were because of societal sexual objectification of women or because, evolutionarily, they gravitate to more shapely women “for childbearing” reasons (coughBULLSHITcough), women were simply checking out their competition. Which I totally believe, because we scope the shit out of each other all the time.

If eye movements are difficult to inhibit, then a lot of you need to work on your subtlety, boys. Because unabashed scoping may be acceptable for science, but not so much on the sidewalk.

It bears mentioning that these findings, published in the journal Sex Roles, only included a survey of 29 women and 36 men in total. So basically, I could find a more representative population in this Starbucks right now. That’s hardly exhaustive.

Then again, I also don’t need science to tell me what anyone with a pair of breasts and a tendency to wear skirts could’ve told you ages ago. We prove it every day.GEEK WINGMAN

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DON’T DATE WOMEN WHO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS TO THEIR LADY PARTS.

Ever been in the heat of passion with a woman and thought, “This is fun, but I really wish she had a playful floral design in gold foil encircling her vajayjay?” Or, like a portrait of Abe Lincoln made out of rhinestones or something. No?

Weird. Because apparently women must think that’s what you dudes want, since they’ve taken to gussying up their you-know-whats in the latest and most ridiculous trend in hooha decoration.

Great, barely five sentences in and I can already tell I’m going to run out of synonyms for vagina. Damn.

In any case, gone are the days of the “regulation vagina” (ew, that word sounds so clinical), and vajazzling is so 2000 and late. It’s all about faux hair pieces, implants and makeup now, boys. According to someone at Cosmo, here’s what you have to look forward to if you happen to date a woman who’s batshit crazy and has an inferiority complex about her “whispering eye.” Bonus points if you got the reference, bro.

Seriously, though, if you find a woman who has done any of this junk to her own junk, run.

The Vagacial. As much as I wish this was some horrible Internet trolling hoax, apparently it’s a real thing. A vagacial is an anti-aging, rejuvenating facial for her…you know. In arguably the dumbest sentence ever quoted, “women are steaming their vaginas with herbs” in a process called the peach smoothie, thought to “bring back a more youthful glow down there” and give the appearance of a younger vagina.

What. The. F**k.

Maybe I’ve watched one too many episodes of “To Catch A Predator,” but I think we’re entering dicey territory when we try to make our genitals more like that of a teenager, no?

Moving right along…

Merkins. For the woman who was overly enthusiastic in her hair removal, she can now replace that missing landing strip with an adhesive faux hair piece. So yeah, it’s basically a toupee for your vagina. Nothing unreasonable about that. And speaking of hair…

vajazzling

Special Designs. Hey, if dudes can get NBA players shaved into their domes, then women can get a rainbow or a lightning bolt professionally shaved into their pubic hair. Ugh, I gag even typing the word “pubic.”

According to the author of a book called “Vagina Buffet” (WHY THE HELL IS THERE A BOOK CALLED VAGINA BUFFET???), women are into creating art with their bikini lines. One woman even got a landing strip with Swarovski crystals outlining the edges on her vaj because her husband, an airline pilot, wanted it to look like the real thing so she could “wave him in” after his long haul flights. There is so much wrong that sentence (and this entire paragraph), I don’t even know where to begin.

Implants. Because a bumpy undercarriage is exactly what men find sexy, women are putting stones under the skin in their nether regions to give it more texture. (And you guys thought you were the only ones who could get your rocks off.) Some chicks are even using crystals for “extra energy.” I’m sorry, all I can think of when I hear that is Jim Henson’s “The Dark Crystal” and people wearing tie dyes and Birkenstocks. Neither of which are particularly erotic. And finally…

Brighteners. As in, blush for her labia. Sweet merciful Christ, please make it stop.

For the woman who just doesn’t find her…um, lips to be rosy enough, she can now choose between pink makeup “for a temporary fix” (temporary fix? what the hell does that even mean?), or opt for a more aggressive labia bleaching cream treatment. And yes, you read that right.

Sigh. Do with this knowledge what you will, gentlemen. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go finish dry heaving.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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