BROSMETICS? 5 THOUGHTS ON MAN MAKEUP.

Tom Ford For Men Skincare

Tom Ford For Men Skincare

The last time a word made me practically choke while speaking it aloud, it was “brocelet,” (an incarnation of man jewelry, obviously.) But as much as Miss Wingman wants the dictionary of facepalm-inducing terms being added to the dude lexicon to stop growing, I bring you another chance to increase your vocabulary. Behold: “Brosmetics.”

If you’re picturing a guy in Dartmouth Lacrosse shorts wearing guyliner scratching his balls, don’t worry – I did, too. Luckily, it’s not that.

The rise of man makeup started as a quiet rumble several months ago, courtesy of Tom Ford’s new line of products for men. But apparently, it’s steadily crescendoed into…not quite a roar, but at least, like, a louder rumble. This is partially thanks to a recent GQ article by Miss Wingman’s favorite writer and fellow smartass, Drew Magary. If you haven’t read Magary’s stuff on Deadspin (or otherwise), you’re missing out.

So he posed the question, “Will Real Men Ever Wear Makeup?” while using products from companies like Mënaji (huh?), Jane Iredale (who?), and of course, Tom Ford. All while trying to protect his stash from his wife, because duh – if you’re going to own it, we’re going to steal it from your dopp kit, fellas. But even though he was able to draw his own conclusions from this little facial foray, I thought it only appropriate to offer Miss Wingman’s musings as well. Here are…

5 Female Thoughts On Man Makeup:

It’s all about trickery. Welcome to the advertising hellscape that women experience on a daily basis, gentlemen. How does it feel to have things marketed to you using a “Be less ugly,” platform? At least brosmetics companies know the importance of the It’s-Not-Girly-We-Swear presentation, so they use black, gunmetal or cigar box packaging. They might as well put a ribeye, a jock strap and a photo of Kate Upton’s boobs in there, too, just to hammer the testosterone home.

Nice try calling it “urban camouflage,” too. Bitch please. It’s man makeup. Just like the “jitney” is an uber-Hamptonsy way to avoid calling it what it really is, “the bus.”

It feels awesome. It’s OK, we get it. And so do the Koreans, apparently. Man makeup is huge in Asia (who knew?) Even Magary described brushing bronzer onto his face as “delightfully soft, like a tiny puppy is doing somersaults on my cheeks.” Totally, bruh. Not to mention how good it feels to go from looking like Voldemort to a fully-rested, evenly-complexioned person with killer cheekbones.

It won’t last. Face it (no pun intended), men don’t have to attention span or commitment required to adhere to a 15-minute beauty regimen every morning and night. Most of you can’t even be bothered to pick out matching socks. This is fine with us, since you’re largely ignorant of the towel-ruining properties of makeup anyway.

There’s a spectrum. There is a sliding scale of Acceptable Male Grooming vs. “Tha fuck’s on your face?” brosmetic product usage. Intrepid males should find reassurance in the fact that women would generally love for you to exfoliate your faces and clean up those pores. What we don’t want to see is you A) improperly applying concealer or bronzer so that you end up looking like an extra from “Lord Of The Flies.” Blend that shit, it’s not war paint. Or, B) being prettier than us. The ability to cover up blemishes is one of the only things we females get to enjoy over men SO JUST LET US HAVE THAT, OK?

Don’t be afraid to like it. Granted, I wouldn’t be thrilled if the guy I was dating suddenly wore more foundation than those chicks on “Shahs Of Sunset,” but that said – it’s not up to me (even though I will ridicule him for owning THIS.) Society needs to stop telling us what it’s OK to love, and what’s acceptable gender-specific behavior. I’m sick of people being baffled by my love of MMA, or throwing confused looks when I order scotch. So mud mask without shame, gentlemen – it’s 2014. Damn the man, save the Empire.DAPPER WINGMAN

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THE APP THAT MAKES SURE YOU NEVER RUN INTO YOUR EX AGAIN. AMEN.

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If all my exes lived in Texas, like the song says, I’d be stoked. But unfortunately for this New Yorker, (almost) all of my exes live in Manhattan.

Fuck.

But now I can stop living in perpetual fear that I’ll run into one of them on the 6 train whilst looking post-workout ugly (or worse, when they’re with The Woman Who Came After), because some dudes developed a new location-based avoidance app called Cloak. No, not “Cloak & Dagger” – I wish – that’d be even more awesome.

Billed as the “Anti-Social Network,” Cloak allows you to dodge exes, frenemies, or your coworkers when you’re playing hooky by combing their Instagram and Foursquare accounts for places they’ve recently checked in or taken photos. Cloak stores their profiles and notes your own location and proximity.

If you’re in danger of an unexpected face-to-face, the app sends you a warning message when the user comes within a certain radius. Then voila! You’re free to hightail it across town and immediately start sending, “Oh man, that would’ve sucked!” texts to all your bros. Crisis averted.

So who’re the minds behind this stealthy masterpiece? Developers Brian Moore and Chris Baker, and it was Moore who became fed up after running into his ex four times upon moving to NYC. Ouch. But, since being proactive is always better than reactive, Moore decided this city wasn’t big enough for both of them (Amen, brotha), and set about fixing it.

Granted, even though I’m on good terms with my exes – well, some of them, and some of them I’d just as soon lived on Mars instead of Manhattan – the idea of avoiding awkward encounters sounds good, but it can also be a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it’s natural to want to pare down the amount of social ambushing we experience on any given day. Hell, I’ve started hiding half the people in my newsfeed lately because of their incessant oversharing. In that sense, eliminating drama makes total sense.

On the other hand, how one handles themselves when they’re confronted with these unexpected run-ins reveals a lot about their character. Sure, lobbing a grapefruit at someone who wronged you after you spot them in the produce section at Whole Foods seems appealing, but you’ll learn a lot more about yourself if you take a deep breath and just deal with it.

Eh, on second thought scratch that. Some faces are best just never to be seen again, high road or not. Avoid away, my friends.

The app has yet to integrate Facebook posts or Tweets into their geolocation tool, but it is currently available to iOS users. So if you’re gunning to ditch the shades and hoodie disguise but still want to retreat further from society, here’s your chance, gentlemen.

Just remember that in a world where technology plays genie in the bottle to our every whim, think twice before you digitally disappear. If it’s invisibility you seek, be careful what you wish for.GEEK WINGMAN

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MISS WINGMAN’S DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BIRTHDAY WISDOM

It’s a Miss Wingman holiday! Which is kind of like a national holiday, only that no one gets off from work, and there’s a lot more drinking involved. In any case, today is the anniversary of the birth of this smartass lil’ writer, so I thought I’d keep the tradition going and impart more birthday wisdom, though the 1st one’s still my favorite.

As per usual, this one’s a mixture of sage advice people have given me (for a change), and things that I’ve gleaned myself. So, since we’re only as old as we feel, here’re 24 truths in honor of my 24th birthday (wink.)

*I have spent way too much time pondering why there is no emoji for cheese, but there are like 12 for train and calculator. WHERE’S THE FUCKING CHEESE EMOTICON, APPLE?

*I’m the girl who’s more likely to have banged up knuckles than painted nails, and any guy I end up with will have to be OK with that.

*There’s no need to point out people’s shortcomings in life or at work. They’ll almost always come out on their own eventually.

*My taste in booze has gotten better as I’ve gotten older. My taste in reality television has not.

*The exact right people you need will be brought into your life at the exact moment that you need them, so hang in there. And if they’re taking too long, just binge watch “House Of Cards” in the meantime.

*I stand by my contention that a well-placed expletive is sometimes (OK, often) necessary. And artful, when done correctly.

*Meet someone at the gym. If that person still wants to date you after seeing sweat drip off the end of your nose, they’re a keeper.

*In life, in relationships, and in work, Never. Stop. Trying. Things only fall apart when we phone it in.

*Awkward moments and shared laughter make for the best ice breakers. You can approach any woman this way, even if she’s out of your league.

*Citi Bike, leg warmers and green juice are a good idea in theory, just not in practice.

*People can get used to anything. Case in point, my own conservative parents tolerating the fact that their daughter writes about sex for a living. And yes, I probably should give them more credit.

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*No matter how much I know it’s not a real place, I’ll still never give up my dream of moving to Dillon, Texas and marrying Tim Riggins.

*When people disappoint you, take comfort in the fact that it was God’s way of showing you what you’re NOT missing.

*Uploading pictures of yourself draped in women will make any female worth holding on to run for the hills. The worthy ones won’t compete for your attention.

*Quoting “Can’t Hardly Wait,” “Mean Girls,” or “The Sandlot” is the quickest way to make a girl (this girl, at least) swoon. Amanduhhhhhh.

*You’re never too old to play in a bouncy castle. There is, however, a weight limit on kiddie swings.

*There’s a special place in hell for people who post spoilers on social media. Presumably, it’s right between Chris Brown and those Westboro Baptist Church A-holes.

*I only have 1 regret in my life, and he knows who he is.

*Peanut butter is not a food group, but it should be. Ditto for avocados.

*One day, we will all look back at Tinder, selfies and high top wedges and wonder what the fuck we were thinking.

*Don’t make someone a priority when they just make you an option.

*Once every 4 years hockey becomes relevant to everyone. To the bandwagon haters, I offer a heartfelt “Suck it.”

*There is nothing in your life that an hour with a heavy bag can’t fix.

*And the trifecta of rules everyone should live by: smile at strangers, find your passion, and call your grandparents.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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JUST WINGING IT UPDATE: WHAT GIVES?

214. That’s how many guys have mutually swiped right over my photo on Tinder – two hundred effing fourteen. That’s more total dudes than on 4 NFL teams combined (well, the dressed players at least). And yet how many Tinder dates have I gone on? One.

Likewise, I’ve been active on Match for several weeks now, and how many guys email me to set up dates? None. Well, none that fit into my actual dating parameters, at least…unless I expand my search to include dudes over 45. So, in my frustration and utter confusion, I’ve decided to utilize my resources and ask the masses to weigh in.

Men of online dating. And male readership. And, like, people at large – I need to know. What am I doing wrong here? What gives?

Before you all start crying out that I must be ignoring perfectly good dudes on Match, let me assure you – I’m keeping an open mind. I mean, I’m not willing to compromise on certain things, like the men I date having kids (Miss Wingman’s not ready to be a Wingmom, thankyouverymuch.) But for the most part, I’m letting what guys say dictate my interest, and ignoring superficial things like a receding hairline or a hideous wardrobe.

In fact, I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone entirely and began doing what I’ve never done before in my 30+ years on this planet: making the first move. I’m sending emails to guys, I’m striking up the first chat conversations when I get a new match, and…nothing. Literally, crickets. I hate to sound arrogant here, but I didn’t expect this. I thought that since I don’t post duck face bathroom selfies, don’t look like I have Hepatitis C, and can actually spell, that I’d be able to drum up some interest. But no. I stand corrected.

And frankly, it’s starting to give me a complex.

I’ve emailed like 15 guys on Match to strike up a conversation, to no avail. Not a single reply in the bunch. Here’s an example of a message I’ve used to break the ice with a particularly snarky Brooklynite:

“Quite possibly the only person on this site who’s more of a smartass than I am. Well done. Really quickly: love the kickboxing thing (I do it, too), and like you I also have an unnatural addiction to cheese, which I mitigate by running. We’ve probably crossed paths in the park.

Anyway, check out my profile, and if you come away convinced that I’m neither A) a lunatic nor B) a mutant, feel free to drop me a line. Could be fun to talk further. Take it easy.”

dateless

I’ve also used similar, shorter variations of this message with non-sarcastic dudes telling them that they seem like-minded and interesting, and always try to keep it brief and lighthearted. As for photos, you guys have seen what’s in my profile – and I added a full-body shot of me crossing a race finish line, per your suggestion.

The funny thing is, with Match at least, you can see who’s viewed your profile and when they did. I can only interpret that to mean that, for the guys that I’ve reached out to who have viewed my page after reading my email but then went radio silent, that they decided they’d rather pass than hit that shit (figuratively.) Ouch.

So, fine. Ew. I didn’t want to date you anyway, Doug in Hells Kitchen. The crosstown commute would’ve sucked. (Just kidding, there’s no Doug in HK. There are, however, a lot of men in Kew Gardens. I don’t even know where the hell that is.)

As for Tinder, I’m just chalking it up to the fact that guys use it as a game, and not a mode of actually meeting women in person in NYC. Like a sexier version of Candy Crush – only with chicks instead of lollipops and gummies. Is it laziness, and they aren’t willing to put forth the effort to set up actual dates? Or do I just need some more duck face bathroom mirror selfies? And yes, if I do the latter, you guys get to choose the color of my thong.

Anyway, I have no means for comparison, so if any of my guy friends on Match or Tinder want to offer their consulting services so I can peruse the female merchandise, now’s your chance. Or maybe it’s just time to join OK Cupid…

Until next time, Wingman faithful, as always I’ll be just winging it.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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THERE’S AIRPLANE TINDER NOW. I know.

Wingmandatingapp

Just what we needed – another way to turn the friendly skies into the borderline-creepy skies.

As if Virgin Airlines’ attempt at mile-high macking on the girl 3 rows back wasn’t enough (they’ve previously offered people the option of buying a drink for other passengers via their media controllers), now you can roll up on your fellow fliers even harder. Well, so long as you remain seated while the fasten seatbelt sign is illuminated, at least.

Spot a smokeshow on your flight and wanna know if she’s single? (Say it with me now, all together…) “There’s an app for that.” Introducing Wingman, the newest way to get some nookie on that early morning connection to Houston. Or Chicago. Or anywhere else with a major airport.

So how does it work? Wingman users create a profile, complete with photo, flight number and details like whether they’re traveling for business or, ahem, pleasure (ba dum bum). Then they’re connected with others who’ve downloaded the app and are on the same flight, and voila! They’re free to swipe left or right and start chatting.

The upside? Wingman works over Bluetooth, so if your airline’s Wi-Fi notoriously sucks (I’m looking at you, Southwest), it’s no sweat.

The downside? Wingman isn’t cleared for takeoff yet, but as soon as Apple’s ironclad app store signs off on it, you can ditch your usual go-to airplane pickup line (No, I would not like to borrow your copy of Sky Mall, thanks) and get to digital flirting.

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Granted, Tinder’s usually lazy wait time for users to pull the trigger and actually message each other should be circumvented by the fact that, with Wingman, you only have the length of your flight to make a love connection. Possible pitfalls? The odds of multiple people on your 150-person flight A) having the app and B) actually being desirable could be slim, so you might have more luck with that cute flight attendant, but I guess only time will tell.

So pack some breath mints in that carryon the next time you fly, and with any luck you won’t have to rely on the latest Bradley Cooper flick to entertain you for four hours. Buckle up, stretch your legs (or, you know…don’t), and for the love of God, lose the neck pillow.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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HOW TO SURVIVE VALENTINE’S DAY SINGLE

valentines 20sbdotnet

Even if you’re happily single, or single by choice, or any of the other excuses we tell our moms/paired off friends/the Duane Reade check-out guy ringing up our Russell Stover’s sampler to get them to BACK THE EFF OFF, OK? I’M FINE, Valentine’s Day is still an especially heinous day to be solo.

Because seriously, even if you’re genuinely happy with your life (as Miss Wingman is, more so this year than ever), the one day on the calendar when other people’s coupledom makes us more uncomfortable than that Kim and Kanye motorcycle video can still, well, suck.

But fret not, parties of 1, as with past Valentine’s Days, I’m here to dole out more advice to help you navigate Cupid’s unusually cruel gauntlet.

Or, at least just blot it all out until you can safely wake up and it’ll be the 15th. Either way.

1. Stay off social media. Hear me? Stay the fuck off of social media. And if you’re reading this via Facebook, close it (as soon as you’re done.) Unless you like seeing 400 photos of floral arrangements and dinners with the caption “Best boyfriend/girlfriend EVER!!!!” underneath it. Or worse, the dreaded newly-adorned ring finger picture.

*Miss Wingman note: Yes, we are truly happy for you, but seeing this on Instagram makes me want to upload a digit picture of my own…only featuring a different finger.

2. Drink.

3. Treat yo’ self. All that money you’d normally be spending on a significant other today? Use it to buy yourself something nice, like a massage, that sweater you’ve been eyeing, or just some really expensive booze.

Because seriously…

4. Drink. (And eat. At all of these places.)

5. Find your fun friends. You know, the ones who’re always down for the get-down? Yeah them. Then organize a dinner, karaoke or just convince them to skip town with you for the night.

6. Find small friends. Know who’s awesome on Valentine’s Day? Kids. FaceTime your nieces, nephews or friends’ kids and let them remind you how much it rocks to be little on a sugar-centric holiday.

7. Move here. Normally, I loathe everything that comes out of the state of Georgia, but for this, I’ll make an exception.

8. Drink. Not because you’re single, but because it’s Friday.

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind your life. Out with the old, in with deleting your exes from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and (gasp!) your phone. Sounds extreme? I thought so too – at first. But actually, it feels really, really good.

10. Get excited. For the possibility of who (or what)’s to come. Because you may not have everything you want in your life yet, but at least you don’t have the WRONG things. And that’s more than a lot of people can say.

11. Do something awesome. True story, I actually said these words to a friend who recently asked me about my Valentine’s Day plans: “I just want to shoot at some stuff, then get fucked up, is that bad?” As in, I wanted to hit the range and then hit the bars – but the look on her face (coupled with her “Um, I think you’re a dude” comment) told me that my taste isn’t for everyone. Point being, find something you love, whether it be hitting the slopes, live music or binge-watching Netflix, and just do it. Unapologetically, because you can.

And if those plans fall through, you can always…

12. Drink.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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DATING HEADLINES TO NEVER, EVER USE.

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Let’s be honest, online dating can be daunting. We’re essentially taking everything that makes us unique and multidimensional, and boiling it down into a few sentences in an html field, a pithy headline and a pixelated smile. And then sacrificing ourselves at the altar of other people’s judgement.

Speaking of other people’s judgement, allow me to jump on the pile! Here are Seven Online Dating Profile Headlines You Should Never, Ever Use.

Dudes of Tinder, consider this an addendum to the list.

*“Work hard, play hard.” Unoriginal, party of one, your table is ready.

*Any mention of a spirit animal. Does anyone even understand what this hippie bullshit means? Congratulations, you and my mom’s Deepak Chopra-reading, post-menopausal friend who wears too much turquoise jewelry now have this in common.

*Referring to yourself as a poet, Renaissance Man, or anything else that conjures images of you in a turtleneck. Turtleneck introspection in general is not sexy. Also, you sound like a D-bag.

*“Live, laugh, love.” Do you really have to remind yourself of that? Might as well say “Eat, breathe, blink.” 

*“I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” No disrespect to Ron Burgundy, but once 1 out of every 5 dudes uses a line, its humor diminishes.

*“Carpe Diem,” “YOLO,” or anything of the sort. Really? Maybe pick another inspirational quote from your Successories collection.

*“I can’t believe I’m on here,” slash “I’ll try anything once.” Do you really want to say you’ll try anything once? What about sweat lodges? Or black tar heroin? PS ladies, this also smacks of sexual innuendo. Good luck with all the creeper comments you’ve just invited.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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