NOW YOU CAN OUTSOURCE YOUR PROPOSAL… IF YOU’RE A TERRIBLE PERSON.

marriage-proposal

There are few things in life that, no matter how much money you have, you should really just do yourself. Like wiping your own arse (classy, I know), writing someone’s eulogy or, you know, PLANNING A WEDDING PROPOSAL.

Or, you can be lazy, thoughtless and entitled and pay a woman like this up to $10,000 to do it for you. That’s right, if you just can’t be bothered to think up a sufficiently overblown, inauthentic way to ask your beloved to marry you, now you can punt that job to a total stranger.

How. Fucking. Romantic.

So who is this proposal planner for hire? Sorry fellas, I find the idea of men who would do this even more unsavory than a woman who would be opportunistic enough to make a career out of it, so I’m not going to plug her any more than I have already. But I will say that the blame isn’t solely hers. If there wasn’t a market out there of men who don’t feel inspired or impassioned enough to put some thought behind asking someone the most important request of their lives, then we wouldn’t even be discussing this story. Sadly, though, this service is in demand.

So why the Miss Wingman tirade? Why the disdain? The problem with dudes hiring someone else to plan their wedding proposal is that it takes everything that’s intimate and personal out of one of the most momentous occasions in a woman’s life (and hopefully, a man’s too.) Even the least romantic, least sentimental chicks among us have daydreamed about what it would be like when the person we love takes a knee and pops that box open.

We envision you thinking about it ahead of time, orchestrating just the right moment and incorporating something that’s unique to our relationship. Something meaningful, that helps you convey how you feel about us. Not farming it out like dry cleaning.

We do not, however, envision you cutting a check to some Hitch-meets-Olivia-Pope lady and her “team” after answering a lengthy survey about our likes and interests. Seriously, gentlemen, set the bar higher. Not flash mob higher, sincerity higher. So, if you’re inclined to jump on the “engagement season” bandwagon any time soon (Vom.It.), heed this advice: it’s only special if it seems so quintessentially you. And authenticity trumps pageantry any day.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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HOW TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS SINGLE

Courtesy: Redditor Moth_ladder

Courtesy: Redditor Moth_ladder

Ahh the holidays. The perfect time of year for snuggling by fireplaces, sipping hot cider with the one you love, and the feeling of “Ho Ho Hope all you happy couples choke on your candy canes” if you’re currently single.

Just kidding. Bitterness doesn’t suit anyone. Definitely don’t go that route.

But it is an especially cruel time of year to be solo. So just in case you’ve been feeling like Santa is kicking you in the junk lately, I’ve got your back.

Here’re Miss Wingman’s Top 10 Tips For Surviving The Holidays As A Party of 1. Good luck, godspeed, and may January get here soon, goddammit.

Drink. That may not be the politically correct thing to say, but fuck it. Drink. Whiskey, eggnog, wine, whatever. You’ve earned the right to throw a few back. So imbibe early, and often (just not at work).

Hit up holiday parties. Your own company’s, friends of friends’, or just crash a few outright. Chances are, everyone will be too drunk to ask who the random is double fisting in the corner.

Stay off of social media. Why? Two words. Engagement Season.

Retail therapy. Think this is only for chicks? Think again. Also, buy yourself something nice. Scratch that – two somethings.

Drink.

Sweat it out. Two-a-days, motherf**ker. They work. Also, they serve double duty: fitness therapy, and getting a jump on all those pathetic New Year’s resolution saps that’ll be invading your gym soon. And speaking of New Year’s…

Get the heck outta dodge. Even if it’ll break the bank, when the ball drops, if you have your toes in the sand you won’t even notice all the couples kissing around you. Promise.

Do something you love. Every day. Scratch that – two somethings you love. Whether it’s playing that guitar that’s been gathering dust, hitting up NHL games (shut it, hockey haters), or Face-Timing with people you care about, surround yourself with people and things that remind you why you’re pretty kickass in the first place.

Download new music. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there are few things in life that a solid playlist and singing at the top of your lungs can’t fix.  Also, hope you don’t like your neighbors.

Drink.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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