USEFUL WINGMAN: HOW TO ACTUALLY PRONOUNCE THAT SCOTCH YOU ORDERED.

scotch

Because the folks at Esquire don’t want you to sound like a jackass when talking about booze – and neither do I – they compiled one of the most utilitarian things Miss Wingman has seen in a long time: a guide to pronouncing those tricky scotch names, complete with instructional videos.

(*Let it also be said that Miss Wingman doesn’t want you to look like, dress like, or behave like a jackass as a result of drinking too much booze, either. But that’s a whole other set of rules for a different time.)

Sure, it can be tricky figuring out how where to put the emphasis when you’re saying a brand like “Balvenie” (hint: BAL-venie), or “Glenmorangie” (Glen-MOR-angie), but if you’re having trouble pronouncing “Highland Park,” I think it might be time to cut yourself off.

Granted, not all men drink scotch. Not all men like wagyu kobe beef or C-cups, either. I get it. It’s a matter of taste, and if you want to be un-American, that’s on you, bro. But if you do have a penchant for a smoky single malt or a 15-year blended, it behooves you to at least know how to say it.

Just don’t be the dude who calls out the notes in his drink. Using words like “peaty” and “robust” will immediately make us lose whatever the female version of a hard on is for you, because ‘douchelord’ isn’t sexy. But still, what you drink says a lot about who you are as a person. So at the very least, let who you are be a guy who knows how to pronounce “An Cnoc.” And “Caol Ila.” And for god’s sake, “Laphroaig.” The bartender (and your date) will thank you for it.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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HOW TO DO VALENTINE’S DAY IN NYC

Sure, Valentine’s Day is about telling the person you love how you feel about them with obnoxious shows of Instagram affection and overpriced floral arrangements, but it’s also about food. As in, amazing dinners, free booze, and enough desserts to put you into a blissful sugar coma. And since that last one’s more my style, I teamed up with the always kickass NYC Foodie Finder to bring you the sweetest Valentine’s offerings the Big Apple has to offer.

ROSE DONUTS

DINNER…

Virgola: 28 Greenwich Avenue, New York, NY 10011

Get in the mood sipping oysters in this sexy West Village Oyster & Wine Bar and get extra points for the complimentary Prosecco that comes along with your reservation by using the code “NYCFOODIEFINDER” when booking your reservation in February. Even better than free bubbly? At the end of the month 5% of all of the proceeds of reservations booked with the promo code will be donated to God’s Love We Deliver. 

Tip: Bring a lock for you and your Valentine to put your initials on and hang it on the gate entering to the restaurant with the other “love locks”. Menu & reservations.

Do or Dine: 1108 Bedford Ave. Brooklyn NY 11216

A mix & match Valentine’s dinner set to the soundtrack of Andre 3000′s The Love Below. Yes, you read that right. Tip: The foie gras doughnuts (huh?!) will the seal the deal if you still need some assistance, boys. For reservations, click here.

Da Marcella: Midtown 11 W. 51st St., lower level, or Village, 142 W. Houston St. (between Macdougal and Sullivan), New York, NY

Escape the cold by nestling away in this Mediterranean-inspired taverna, at either of their two NYC locationsTip: Da Marcella’s special prix fixe dinner menu, in addition to the a la carte menu, includes a complimentary champagne toast. If free booze doesn’t warm you up, I don’t know what will. 

Louro: 142 W 10th St, New York, NY 10014

There’s nothing tragic about this menu inspired by tragic love stories throughout history, with this Valentine’s day meal from chef David Santos. Reserve Thursday 2/13- Saturday 2/15 and choose from either a tasting menu for $95, or a 3-course option for $65. Menu and reservations.

Professor Radish – Valentine’s dinner at Zucker Bakery: 433 E 9th St, New York, NY 1000

You’ll be asking Professor Radish to be your Valentine after he makes you a 6-course menu to remember at the Valentine’s edition of his weekly pop up series: dinner in a bakery at Zucker Bakery. Tip: It’s BYOB, so don’t forget the booze! Menu found here.

SWEETS…

MACROON PARLOUR

Macaron Parlour: 111 St. Marks Place between 1st Ave & Avenue A                   

The Macaron Parlour gets even sweeter with their special Valentine Hearts collection macarons available in store. Swoon.

Dough: 448 Lafayette Ave, New York, NY 11205

Lust, passion & desire. Enjoy all 3 this Valentine’s Day with Dough’s limited edition threesome of donuts. Tip: Available for pre-order. Orders must be placed by midnight 2/12. Email orders to dough.valentines@gmail.com.

Dominique Ansel: (yes, the bakery behind the Cronut)189 Spring St, New York, NY 10012

Think pink, eat pink: All of the desserts in Ansel’s pastry case turn pink for one day- Valentine’s! Also totally in love with:

DOMINIQUE ANSEL LOBSTER LINZER

Lobster Linzer- Get serious and tell The One you’re “their lobster” with this adorable raspberry jam-filled linzer cookie.

For The Record: A chocolate candy bar resembling a vintage record, made with dark chocolate and marshmallow filling.

Love Letters: Dark chocolate bars are wrapped as letters in an envelope box. Each bar filled with a layer of crispy praline wafers.

DOMINIQUE ANSEL LETTERS

*Miss Wingman note: This writer’s heart would be signed, sealed, delivered and yours if I ever got these for Valentine’s Day. Such a fun idea!

Big Gay Ice Cream: 61 Grove St,. New York, NY 10014

Better than a bouquet of roses, starting February 13th The Big Gay Ice Cream’s West Village shop is serving up their Valentine’s Sundae with Padma Lakshmi’s rose ice cream, with crushed pistachios and rose-infused whipped cream. Whoa.

Donut Plant: 379 Grand St. or 220 W. 23rd St., New York, NY
Everything’s coming up roses for the month of February, because The Donut Plant is serving up donuts with edible rose petals and rose water glaze. They’re also offering rose marshmallows, rose hot chocolate, and this Valentine’s Day, donut lovers can also fall in love with their heart-shaped donuts, available in rose or passion fruit.
AND FOR SINGLES WHO’D RATHER DRINK THAN MINGLE…
Pork Slope – After Hours: 247 5th Avenue Brooklyn NY 11215

Celebrate being single and get wild with DJs from 9PM-2AM, food from chef Dale Talde and ladies – your first drink is on the house.

Meatball Shop – The Single Jingle Mingle: Underballs at Chelsea TMS (the bar under the Chelsea Meatball shop) 200 9th Avenue 

Reyka Vodka has come up with a night full of drink specials ($2 Be Mine shots and $5 Meat Lover cocktails) and MS chef Daniel Holzman is personally DJ’ing the event. I’m not sure what a Meat Lover cocktail tastes like, but I’ll let you make your own (sexual) joke there – not even going to touch it.

So that’s the V-Day culinary rundown, Wingman faithful. If you love NYC Foodie Finder’s suggestions, make sure follow her at @NYCfoodiefinder on Twitter or Instagram. Cheers!

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DATING HEADLINES TO NEVER, EVER USE.

datingheadlines

Let’s be honest, online dating can be daunting. We’re essentially taking everything that makes us unique and multidimensional, and boiling it down into a few sentences in an html field, a pithy headline and a pixelated smile. And then sacrificing ourselves at the altar of other people’s judgement.

Speaking of other people’s judgement, allow me to jump on the pile! Here are Seven Online Dating Profile Headlines You Should Never, Ever Use.

Dudes of Tinder, consider this an addendum to the list.

*“Work hard, play hard.” Unoriginal, party of one, your table is ready.

*Any mention of a spirit animal. Does anyone even understand what this hippie bullshit means? Congratulations, you and my mom’s Deepak Chopra-reading, post-menopausal friend who wears too much turquoise jewelry now have this in common.

*Referring to yourself as a poet, Renaissance Man, or anything else that conjures images of you in a turtleneck. Turtleneck introspection in general is not sexy. Also, you sound like a D-bag.

*“Live, laugh, love.” Do you really have to remind yourself of that? Might as well say “Eat, breathe, blink.” 

*“I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” No disrespect to Ron Burgundy, but once 1 out of every 5 dudes uses a line, its humor diminishes.

*“Carpe Diem,” “YOLO,” or anything of the sort. Really? Maybe pick another inspirational quote from your Successories collection.

*“I can’t believe I’m on here,” slash “I’ll try anything once.” Do you really want to say you’ll try anything once? What about sweat lodges? Or black tar heroin? PS ladies, this also smacks of sexual innuendo. Good luck with all the creeper comments you’ve just invited.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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3 RULES OF POST-HOLIDAY PARTY COURTSHIP

Esquire.com

Esquire.com

Congrats, bro. Somewhere between grinding to Kesha and Pitbull and spilling no less than four Fireball shots on your sweater, you met a girl at that holiday party. And if memory serves, she was pretty cute. Unless that’s the Fireball talking – which is a distinct possibility. But you got her number anyway, good for you.

So now what?

Whether you realize it or not, holiday party hookups (or potential hookups) come with a slightly different set of guidelines than your run of the mill encounter. Why? Because if you don’t act on it fast enough – the right way – you miss out on the chance to turn it into something more (a New Year’s Date perhaps?) So observe the following:

Hit her up before the actual holiday. Chances are, one or both of you will be traveling for at least a few days, more if you have vacation time. This means if you don’t send that “Hey, it’s so-and-so from the other night, wanna grab a drink this week?” text soon, you’ll miss out on a crucial window to see if she really is as cool as you remember. Digit exchanges come with a shelf life, after all.

And even if you’re slammed with work and tying up loose ends before the end of the year (as many of us are), you can always drop a “Really enjoyed meeting you the other night. Things are kinda chaotic right now but would love to grab a drink after New Years if you’re down?” message. It’ll keep you in the game, and show her that you haven’t lost interest.

Confirm basic information. Like, for instance, her name. “Karen” and “Karly” aren’t interchangeable, no matter how many eggnogs you threw back. Also, remind her who you were (“Hey it’s Ryan, the charming, handsome guy in the red pants…” *Also, don’t wear red pants). Dudes aren’t the only ones who work multiple leads at at time, sorry.

And finally, approach it with a clean slate. There’s something about fancy clothing and flowing liquor that makes people do crazy things. So if she – or you – did anything embarrassing or said something questionable, disregard it. We promise not to hold spilling a glass of mulled wine on our favorite skirt against you, if you cut us some slack for ignoring you while tending to our too-drunk friend.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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NOW YOU CAN OUTSOURCE YOUR PROPOSAL… IF YOU’RE A TERRIBLE PERSON.

marriage-proposal

There are few things in life that, no matter how much money you have, you should really just do yourself. Like wiping your own arse (classy, I know), writing someone’s eulogy or, you know, PLANNING A WEDDING PROPOSAL.

Or, you can be lazy, thoughtless and entitled and pay a woman like this up to $10,000 to do it for you. That’s right, if you just can’t be bothered to think up a sufficiently overblown, inauthentic way to ask your beloved to marry you, now you can punt that job to a total stranger.

How. Fucking. Romantic.

So who is this proposal planner for hire? Sorry fellas, I find the idea of men who would do this even more unsavory than a woman who would be opportunistic enough to make a career out of it, so I’m not going to plug her any more than I have already. But I will say that the blame isn’t solely hers. If there wasn’t a market out there of men who don’t feel inspired or impassioned enough to put some thought behind asking someone the most important request of their lives, then we wouldn’t even be discussing this story. Sadly, though, this service is in demand.

So why the Miss Wingman tirade? Why the disdain? The problem with dudes hiring someone else to plan their wedding proposal is that it takes everything that’s intimate and personal out of one of the most momentous occasions in a woman’s life (and hopefully, a man’s too.) Even the least romantic, least sentimental chicks among us have daydreamed about what it would be like when the person we love takes a knee and pops that box open.

We envision you thinking about it ahead of time, orchestrating just the right moment and incorporating something that’s unique to our relationship. Something meaningful, that helps you convey how you feel about us. Not farming it out like dry cleaning.

We do not, however, envision you cutting a check to some Hitch-meets-Olivia-Pope lady and her “team” after answering a lengthy survey about our likes and interests. Seriously, gentlemen, set the bar higher. Not flash mob higher, sincerity higher. So, if you’re inclined to jump on the “engagement season” bandwagon any time soon (Vom.It.), heed this advice: it’s only special if it seems so quintessentially you. And authenticity trumps pageantry any day.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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MORE TEXT MESSAGE MISTAKES MEN MAKE

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times: it’s easy to blow it via text.

On the one hand, texting should work in your favor. Guys with Average Joe looks but who have above average wit can make themselves more attractive during these digital dalliances. But on the flip side, guys who were otherwise attractive-slash-marginally-well-spoken can shoot themselves in the foot if they exhibit less than stellar text etiquette.

It’s a Catch-22 if you don’t know how to play it.

Face it, texting isn’t going anywhere any time soon. It’s the sole form of communication for singles, and in an age when actually (gasp!) calling someone is considered borderline stalker behavior, you need your cell game to be on point, gentlemen.

So as a tandem argument to the no body part photos and no emojis rule (Seriously, are you a 12-year-old girl? No? Then cut it out with the smiley faces), allow Miss WIngman to offer up one more caveat: the two week rule. That’s right, 14 days – give or take – is all you have to hold our attention before we assume you’re indifferent about us. Anything longer and we’ll think you have better offers on the table.

If you’ve been texting a girl for two weeks since meeting her and you still haven’t played the “So when can I see you again?” card, you may be dead where you stand. Barring any extenuating work/family/travel circumstances, that is. Make plans to hang out, or just. stop. texting.

Why? Because back and forth banter has a shelf life, bro. If we wanted a f**king pen pal, we’d still be exchanging letters with Suki, our Japanese exchange student from 4th grade. If she wasn’t willing to go out with you, she wouldn’t have responded to your texts. In fact, she’s probably waiting for you to pull the trigger. A telltale sign of digits offered up out of politeness or guilt would be radio silence after you reach out, so don’t sweat it.

And finally, the lengthy breaks that typically accompany this type of lazy exchange make it hard to remember what we were even talking about to begin with (Scrolling all the way up? Bitch please.) I’ve had easier to follow conversations with my 3-year-old nephew, and he speaks like an ESL student most of the time. So if you don’t want to send the message that you’re luke warm about her, take some initiative, man. She may or may not be as cute/normal/fun as you remember, but there’s only one way to find out.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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WHAT CITY GUYS CAN LEARN FROM SOUTHERN MEN

weddingwire

weddingwire

The good news is, chivalry isn’t dead. The bad news? It’s geographically challenged. This weekend, Miss Wingman ventured south of the Mason Dixon line, and what I found were a whole lot of guys with good manners. Popped collars, sure, but still – manners.

Anyone who reads this site even casually will have heard me beg, plead and implore the male population at large to up their etiquette game. It is, in my opinion, an even bigger contributor to the death of courtship than Snapchat and sext pics. And not just in NYC, although we seem to have cornered the market on dudes with bad manners up here.

But I was reminded of the difference between those southern gentlemen and the guy who will chat you up in the East Village on a Saturday night after spending 72 hours surrounded by my friends and their Georgia- and Virginia-bred buddies.

So, here are some lessons Miss Wingman would like to impart on What City Guys Can Learn From Southern Men when it comes to women. You might not like it, y’all, but it had to be said.

They treat all women the same. Whether it’s a girl they’re hooking up with, or just a female friend of a friend who’s out with the crew, chairs are offered up, taxi doors are opened and bags are carried. It may be extra effort, but it’s part of their upbringing. A damn sexy part.

They dress well. No one says you have to leave the house looking like Carlton Banks every day, but all the dudes I encountered, from the farm to the fratty bars, had a polished, put together appearance. None of this rumpled t-shirt bullshit. Button downs and sweaters may not be your style, bro, but at least aim for a clean shave.

They don’t go dutch. I lost track of how many times I was handed a drink or asked if a dude could get me anything, but I do remember how many times they let me kick in money: 0. There’s something to be said for the “you pay for a lady” mentality (um, not in the prostitute way, though.)

I know most of you will complain that if you’re not a Rockefeller or an I-banker that can get costly, but hear this: a little class goes a long way, fellas. Good luck, and to the men of New York, consider this gauntlet thrown.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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