GIRL FACTS: HOLIDAY EDITION

It’s a Christmas miracle, Wingman faithful – the return of “Girl Facts.” I know how much you were hoping to find this under the tree this year, so consider me the Santa of sarcastic blog wisdom.

So far we’ve gone over secrets of our undergarments, signs we like you, how to tell if we like sports, seasonal-themed facts, and a host of others. This time around we’re dealing with holiday girl facts. Let the enlightening begin.

Girl Fact: If you give us a gift and you want to know if we REALLY like it, don’t listen to a word we say. Just watch our faces very closely in the first few seconds when we open your present. Even the best poker face will reveal some sign of an authentic reaction.

Girl Fact: We start stressing over our New Year’s Eve plans as soon as December hits. No matter if we say we don’t care about it, some part of us will have even the smallest momentary panic about what we’ll do, with whom, and where we’ll go. You can pretty much count on that.

Girl Fact: Even if we hate holiday crowds, we love that shopping for gifts gives us an added excuse to JUST SHOP. We may act exhausted, but there was a dopamine high somewhere in that credit card swipe. It’s in our DNA.

Girl Fact: If we’re not dating anyone steadily, in the winter months we’re lucky if we shave our legs once a week. Don’t judge us – we have a lot more surface area to cover than you.

Girl Fact: Even if we say we don’t care what you get us for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa (?) or Festivus – you can bet your life that at some point we’ve dropped you a hint on what we really want. Were you paying attention?

Girl Fact: We call in reinforcements if we don’t know what to get you for a present. And we prep our own inner circle just in case you do, too.

Girl Facts: We’re fighting an uphill battle to look cute this time of year. Static hair, sniffling noses and coats that look like sleeping bags. So if we look disheveled when you see us, do yourselves a favor and don’t point it out.

Girl Fact: If you hook up with us at a holiday party and are actually interested in keeping the ball rolling, don’t wait to text or call us afterward. Sledding, ice skating, or going for hot chocolate/cider are all great winter date ideas, so pick up the phone boys.

Girl Fact: We either irrationally love Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” or violently hate it. For your sake, here’s hoping your woman is in the latter category.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

And don’t forget: If you’re having trouble finding the right gift for her this year, I’m here to help. MISS WINGMAN IS AVAILABLE FOR CONSULTATIONS via phone/Skype and, geography permitting, accompanying men on their shopping excursions. I’ll make sure your gift is perfectly suited for her, for a small fee, and you just make sure to take all the credit (wink). Email me at misswingman@gmail.com for more details.

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GIRL FACTS: SUMMER EDITION

It’s been a minute since last we delved into the pool of Girl Facts, Wingman faithful. And now that Mother Nature is finally cooperating, it’s time to celebrate a whole new set of female quirks, nuances and minutiae of the warmer weather variety. So sit back, slap on some sunscreen and enjoy.

Girl Fact: Even when the mercury rises, we still have a tendency to get cold at the drop of a hat. This causes most of us to keep an “office sweater” on the back of our chair or require a blanket when sitting anywhere from our own couch to a backyard Adirondack chair. Don’t expect this to ever change because we’re girls, it’s just what we do.

Girl Fact: Beach bonfires and boat rides are our favorite things this time of year. This may cause us to try to increase the number of friends we have who own boats, summer houses, or modes of transportation from May-August. If you fit the bill and suddenly we stalk you every weekend, now you know why.

Girl Fact: Nail polish is an art form. Thus, we take great pleasure in painting our toes all manner of fun colors to spice up our new sandals. We don’t question your love of ball scratching, please don’t question our love of pedicures.

Girl Fact: Bikinis are both a method of anxiety, and our greatest power over you. And don’t think we don’t know it.

Girl Fact: No female has ever uttered the words, “I wish I were less tan. Pale looks great on me.” So, please bear with us as we soak up every ray of sun possible, and lay on chaise lounges for hours like a corpse. You may not like the boredom, but you’ll love our tan lines, promise.

Girl Fact: Our alcohol intake, propensity to hit ball parks & barbecues, and desire to have mindless flings all increase this time of year. That means your chances of getting lucky increase, too.

Girl Fact: Two things guys neglect can repel us in warm weather: Dudes who smell like sweat, and having gnarly toe nails. Please use generous amounts of deodorant, and clean up your feet before donning sandals in public. Or else it could be a lonely stretch until Labor Day, boys.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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GIRL FACTS: SPRING EDITION

New season, new crop of Girl Facts for your reading enjoyment. And if you’ve never been schooled before, perhaps a refresher wouldn’t hurt.

Girl Fact: We love breaking out the miniskirts and sundresses as much as you love seeing them for the first time all season. Hell yeah, springtime.

Girl Fact: Unless we actually play golf, we don’t like watching golf on TV. I don’t care how amusing Bubba Watson is, most women view watching golf like watching paint dry.

Girl Fact: Where we sit in a restaurant, what car we step onto in the subway, etc. are decisions often dictated by the concentration of good-looking guys in that proximity. (Especially on the overcrowded 6 train. Hey, they don’t call them “crushes” for nothing).

Girl Fact: We listen to the way you introduce us to significant people in your life. Please choose your words wisely.

Girl Fact: It’s really important to us that your best friend and your pet like us. Winning their approval should be almost as important as winning you over, if we’re serious about you.

Girl Fact: Many of us have no feminine issues at all…but we know that the mere mention of them will be an airtight excuse that you guys will be too horrified to question.

Girl Fact: We love when you make as much eye contact with us as possible (but not in a Steve Martin, “Baby Mama” kind of way).

Girl Fact: We know we really like you when something small, like making dinner together or taking a walk with you is all we need to enjoy your company. The best relationships are easy.

Girl Fact: We know if you check out other women in our presence. Even if it’s not a full-scale head turn, we notice. Every time.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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GIRL FACTS: VACATION WINGMAN EDITION

Miss Wingman’s gone fishing…

Not really, but I am going to be partially out of pocket over the next week. Not because I’m slacking off from my responsibilities, but because I’m at the mercy of highly unreliable island Wi-Fi. In the meantime, here are some vacation-themed Girl Facts. It’s a whole lot easier to write when the scenery behind my laptop looks like a postcard.

Girl Fact: We can find any item, no matter how small, at the bottom of any handbag – no matter how cavernously large. Despite appearances to the contrary, when we’re carrying enormous bags filled with our entire lives, we’re actually remarkably adept and accurate at locating things like pens, lip glosses and hair ties…like purse ninjas.

Girl Fact: There is nothing like the 5 seconds leading up to a first kiss. Especially if you gently lift our chins or put your hands on the back of our necks when you seal the deal.

Girl Fact: When men say things like, “Hey gorgeous” or refer to us as, “Pretty lady,” we swoon. It doesn’t matter if you also say it to the 300 lb woman with 4 teeth who just bagged your groceries at Walmart, we still love it. Women eat that kind of thing up.

Girl Fact: We know when you don’t bring your A-game with us. If you check out other women in our presence, aren’t attentive to us or don’t do chivalrous things, we notice. We may not call you out on your indifference, but still – we notice.

Girl Fact: The best quality a woman can offer you is believing in you wholeheartedly. Well, that and having boobs like Kate Upton.

Girl Fact: If stores were smart, they’d serve cocktails in the dressing room while women tried on bathing suits and plaster the walls with pictures of women who look like Roseanne Barr. It’d make bikini shopping a whole lot easier for us, and a whole lot more profitable for them.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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GIRL FACTS: THE SAGA CONTINUES

Girl Fact: We have underwear that serve specific functions. Like the I’m-Doing-Laundry-And-These-Are-From-Before-Christ pair we throw on in the meantime, the Comfy-And-Won’t-Give-Me-A-Wedgie pair we wear when we’re out of commission, and the Really-Uncomfy-But-I-Don’t-Care-I-Look-Hot-In-Them pair we wear when we think we might be bringing a guy home. Those are not to be confused with the Don’t-judge-me-for-buying-something-so-slutty pair that every girl owns. True story.

Girl Fact: We all secretly hate Blake Lively.

Girl Fact: Sometimes girls who say they like sports go to bars to “watch the game.” How can you tell if she’s an impostor? Block the screen and ask her what the score is, what number the star player’s jersey is or what color each team is wearing. Chances are she can’t tell you.

Girl Fact: We have a favorite amongst your friends, we also know which one we think is the hottest, and we’ll probably never tell you either one.

Girl Fact: We like to sing loudly while in the shower or driving in our cars, usually to guilty pleasure music like Taylor Swift, Gaga or Katy Perry. And no matter how unfortunate our singing voice is, in our minds we sound exactly like Kelly Clarkson.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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GIRL FACTS: VOL. 3

Girl Fact: We might not always remember dates or names, but we can usually tell you what we were wearing during any significant event.

Girl Fact: We tend to have multiple men who make our day when we see them. We call them “office crush,” “subway crush,” “gym crush,” etc. It helps keep things interesting, even if we never speak to them.

Girl Fact: No matter how many times you tell us your family likes us, we’ll still always worry that your mom and sisters don’t think we’re good enough for you.

Girl Fact: Even if we know we’re the worst driver in the world, we’ll still swear we’re awesome at it til the day we die.

Girl Fact: We are physically incapable of NOT sucking in, sticking out our boobs, or checking out our own butts when trying something on in a mirror. It’s scientific, or something.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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MORE GIRL FACTS

The last time Girl Facts dropped, I revealed some of our most hard-hitting truths, like how to make us really angry and that our underwear rarely matches our bras. Not to mention the tidbit that we know immediately whether we’d let you touch us or not. (This seemed to astound several of you boys). This time it’s about the differences between the sexes – and believe me, this list could go on forever.

Girl Fact: When you’re sleeping in bed next to us, if it is at all humanly possible in the morning for us to sneak away to brush our teeth, put on a little makeup and fix our hair without waking you up, we will. In the beginning of the relationship, at least. None of us wakes up looking this cute.

Girl Fact: If we like you, we find subtle ways to touch you. Is she brushing up against you? Leg touching yours? Playful punch in the arm? Yup, all this means we’re into you, you stud.

Girl Fact: Some girls (read: insecure ones) like to find ways to mark their territory. Their most obvious move? Writing on your Facebook wall.

Girl Fact: We know when you guys pee/blow your noses in the shower, and it really, really grosses us out.

Girl Fact: We wear high heels, short skirts or plunging necklines for your benefit, not for ours. Most of us would prefer jeans. So if we’re sporting it, please tell us we look nice. Thanks.

Girl Fact: Some of us love getting dirty even more than you do. So invite us along next time you pull together that game of pickup football or hit the mountain bike trails.

Girl Fact: We enjoy male attention while out at a bar or at dinner, but you can bet that we’re probably busier scanning the room sizing up other women, not men.

Girl Fact: We always remember the name of the best kisser we’ve ever met and can tell you exactly when/where it took place.

Girl Fact: Guys, you touch your junk and scratch yourselves often, but you will probably never see a woman tug away at her breasts. Any adjustments are strictly for creating more cleavage in cocktail dresses and tank tops only.

Girl Fact: I have never met a girl who doesn’t love getting lightly kissed on her forehead or nose. There might not be anything sweeter.

Girl Fact: Men fantasize about being with two women at once. We dream about being double-teamed too, only it’s by one guy doing our hair and another massaging our feet. Not the same. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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