8 MEN’S FASHION WEEK LOOKS YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT TRY TO PULL OFF

New York Fashion Week’s finally over, which means the women of Manhattan can stop sucking in, everyone can start nursing their event hangovers, and Miss Wingman can once again walk down the street without feeling like an oompa loompa in a sea of beautiful, leggy amazons.

For the guys, some of you may be wondering what men’s trends came out of the model melee (um, in between watching NFL games and postseason baseball, obviously.) So, just in case you gentlemen were thinking of taking some fashion risks with your Spring/Summer 2014 looks, you might want to think twice before you try out these emerging trends.

Not because the designers aren’t all talented in their own rights, but because they’re not creating clothing for straight men looking to attract hetero females.

Or not-so hetero, whatever you’re into.

Thus, here are the 8 worst men’s Fashion Week trends to avoid, if you value your sex life. Because yes, every girl is crazy about a sharp dressed man, but this shit is ridiculous.

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Patterned suits. If you believe people like Mark McNairy (who I normally love, sigh..) and designer Libertine, the louder the better. But if you believe the rest of the female population, we wouldn’t be caught dead walking alongside you in this.

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Or this, for that matter. Shorter fabric on the legs doesn’t make it any less visually offensive or vagina repellent, sorry. And while we’re on McNairy, this other runway masterpiece…

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Head to toe camouflage. To be fair, I’m not anti-camo. But I am anti- guys dressing like a Navy SEAL lying in a remote swamp waiting to put down a guerilla insurgency. This is far from acceptable streetwear. On the upside, you won’t get made fun of because no one will be able to see you. But on the downside, women will think you’re an extra from “Tropic Thunder.”

DreamWorks

DreamWorks

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Iridescent metallics. Unless you work at a futuristic, sci-fi themed restaurant and are forced to accessorize this with an alien head mask, there is no earthly reason (zing!) to rock this look. On any planet.

Thomas Iannaccone/WWD

Thomas Iannaccone/WWD

Bold pants. Remember the color bars that come on during a network TV outage? Yeah, so does designer Jeremy Scott. But sorry bro, they don’t look so hot wrapped around your glutes. (Or with a mesh shirt and Flock of Seagulls hairdo, for that matter. Scratch that – a Flock of Seagulls hairdo is EXACTLY what you’d be expected to wear along with those pants.)

Sure, we all loved the circus as kids, but no need to bring the Big Top back in your trouser selection. And yes, I just said “trousers.” Because I’m geriatric.

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

The “Pants? Who needs ‘em!” look. But don’t make the mistake of being so worried about ugly pants that you forego them altogether. Because seriously, man. Put some f**king pants on.

Thomas Iannaccone/WWD

Thomas Iannaccone/WWD

But not if they look like this. Sure, dudes can wear pink. If Mark Sanchez can rock a headband, guys can certainly wear pink. What they can’t do, however, is don patent leather pants with a matching patent leather jacket. In any color. In public. Ever.

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

Giovanni Giannoni/WWD

And lastly, whatever the f**k this is.

Maybe it’s because it’s a stenciled tunic. Or possibly, because it resembles pajamas. But whatever Libertine’s calling it, women definitely won’t want to crawl into bed with you if you wear it. But they might want to borrow your necklace.DAPPER WINGMAN

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10 ESSENTIALS EVERY MAN NEEDS TO OWN

Women are known to frequently stare into their closets and lament the fact that we “have nothing to wear.” Guys, on the other hand, don’t dwell on such frivolities. Is it clean? Does it at least appear to not smell/have visible stains? Voila! That’ll do. But just because you’re less picky doesn’t mean you’ve got all your wardrobe bases covered, boys.

Maybe it’s because it’s a new year, but I think beginning a closet overhaul would serve many of you well. But, before you complain that this sounds expensive, realize that you can reinvent your look by integrating just a few staple pieces. As long as they’re the right pieces. So here’s Miss Wingman’s list of 10 Basics Every Man Should Have In His Closet. Enjoy.

*At least 3 custom suits: I know, I know, custom suiting isn’t cheap. But if it’s not bespoke, at least make sure it fits you exceptionally well. You should own a standout black suit, an equally standout charcoal gray suit, and one other. I recommend navy, but I’ve seen guys pull off brown or light gray well, too. And don’t fall into the boring trap – make sure the third option has something different about it, like a 3-piece, or fine pin stripes.

*A pair of fashion sneakers: Please, please do not confuse athletic sneakers with fashion sneakers. Under no circumstances should you pair your white New Balances that you wear to work out with jeans and a shirt. How do you tell the difference? For starters, fashion sneakers, like these, will cost a hell of a lot more. But throwback Nikes, Supras or brands like Common Projects also look a lot cooler, hence the price tag. Play around with what style suits you best, just please leave the cross trainers at the gym.

*A pair of non-cargo shorts: Are you a kangaroo? No? Then you don’t need that many pockets. Flat-front shorts flatter your, um, figure better (read: don’t make your ass look droopy). Keep the hemline close to the knee – not below – and you should be alright.

*A classic, chunky watch: This one’s very subject to individual taste, but here’s a good rule of thumb: No plastic (you’re not in 3rd grade anymore). The sportier, the better. And stainless bracelet trumps leather strap – unless that’s not your style. Diving watches, nylon straps, chronographs – it all works, so long as it suits your personality. It doesn’t have to be a Rolex Daytona, but every man should eventually own a quality watch. 

*A versatile jacket: Sure, this will vary depending on what climate you live in, but you don’t have to rock a down parka or a cashmere overcoat – there’s definitely a happy medium. Surplus styles tend to look handsome on men, as well as waxed cotton field coats, like the one above (J. Crew). And if you’re really feeling baller (like, $800 baller – yikes), the Mackintosh Duncan coat is one of my absolute favorites.

*A fitted dress shirt: Measurements are taken for a reason, boys. Use them. Also, women like the way your chest looks in a dress shirt. It’d be a pity to bury it under all that extra fabric.

*The perfect sports jacket: Solid-colored and well-fitting through the shoulders, all men should own a go-to sports jacket. Pair it with jeans or pants, tees or a button down, if it’s the right cut it’ll work with everything.

*Dark wash jeans: Faded went out with 90s hair metal bands, and ripped are only acceptable if you’re Joey Lawrence (“WHOA!”). Make sure they’re flat-front, dark enough to wear out at night, but casual enough to wear hanging around. No high waters – seriously, dudes need to watch the length of their pants. And please, for the love of God, no embellished pockets.

*Crewneck tees in solid colors: Black, gray, navy, olive, these should all be in your closet. Why? Because you can wear them as base layers or alone. Score.

A man-friendly, functioning carryall: Dispel everything you know about the “murse,” (that’s “man purse” for those worried about the stigma) and stop using your work-issued laptop bag to tote your life. There are options that serve both fashion and function, if you put a little thought into it. Modern briefcases and messenger bags are perfect for the urban guy-on-the-go. Buy quality and it’ll last even longer. Distressed looks cooler anyway.

So that’s the rundown, gentlemen. An exhaustive list, but one that you should all be able to check off item by item. Amassing these pieces over time is allowed, but the sooner you’ve covered your basics, the better. Just remember, being a well-rounded man may be the most important thing, but having a well-rounded closet is a close second.DAPPER WINGMAN

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