Far be it from me to jump on the Internet trolling bandwagon, but there’s a story that bears commenting on – nay, correcting. In case you haven’t seen NY Magazine’s “Confessions Of A Serial Cheater (Who’s About To Get Married)” because it didn’t come wrapped in a blanket and carried by two royals, here’s what you missed:

Guy admits to cheating in all but one of his relationships. Guy explains how he went about cheating on his current fiancee with over 20 women. Promises he’d never cheat on a spouse or if kids were involved. Says he’s done with philandering since putting a ring on it. World freaks out. The end.

But here’s the thing: no one should be surprised by this story. Not because he’s not a Grade A, Certified D-bag, but because he didn’t say anything especially shocking. In fact, I’d have been more impressed if the serial cheater in question was female. That’s a story.

But it got me to thinking…. If it was a chick doing the bed hopping, and PS, the stuff I’m privy to hearing as a relationship writer would f**king shock you – women are more than capable of it – what might she have done differently?

So, I give you 4 solid reasons why shady ass women make better cheaters than men.

Exploiting the handicap. For some reason, dudes of the world have it in their heads that women are less sexual, therefore incapable of having detached, emotionless flings (“sport f**king,” if you will). This may be true for the majority of women, but for women with loose morals and a healthy libido, the She’d-Never-Do-That mentality coupled with a bottomless supply of men ready to bump uglies means it’s pretty much open season.

We rationalize better. Ever heard a woman justify buying a handbag that costs half her paycheck? Yeah. Broads can talk our way out of anything.

Also, we’d never rely on a bullshit excuse like “there’s such thing as respectful infidelity,” like the dude in the article. No there isn’t, dick. Cheating is fundamentally disrespectful, even if you don’t spend the night or go downtown on any of your conquests.



You know what there is such a thing as, though? Being a total puss. And not being able to sac up and admit your indiscretions before you walk down the aisle so that she can decide whether she still wants to take that stroll with you is a b***h move, bro.

Whistle blowers. Whereas guys are more apt to cover up their buddy’s cheating or keep silent, women would only be able to tolerate such skank-tastic behavior for so long before we got all judge-y and blew up their spot.

I’m not saying that the cheater wouldn’t deserve a public flogging, I’m just saying that women are judgmental as all hell. Fear of being shamed by our female peers or branded a slut (a HUGE double standard, if I might add) would be enough to make her the stealthiest cheater on planet earth. There’d be no trace evidence. And finally…

Because your guard is down. Women – even evolved, sane women – are perpetually on the lookout for infidelity, or for b****es trying to roll up on their man. Even if they generally trust their boyfriend, fiancee or husband, it’s other women they don’t trust. Guys, on the other hand, don’t default to DEFCON 1 paranoia levels, so we’d have to be pretty careless for you to catch on.

Plus, all it takes is for her to tell you she was at a book club/yoga class/discussing “The Bachelorette” with friends over drinks and you’d be so desperate to not hear the recap that you wouldn’t even question the alibi. It’s as simple (and sad) as that.

So the next time people want to wax self-righteous about cheating, we’d do well to remind ourselves that yes, it is despicable, but the serial infidelity door can swing both ways. It’s just way more likely to come back and hit you in the face than it is us.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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Sometimes choosing a topic to write about is made really, really, ridiculously easy (“Zoolander”-style) based entirely on what’s going on around me. And what’s going on around me right now is apparently full-scale madness.

In the past few weeks I’ve heard no less than six – yes, six – stories about people cheating on each other while in serious relationships. Like, married or living together serious. So consider this me cracking my knuckles, rubbing my palms together and getting down to business. If you thought Miss Wingman was opinionated before, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

First and foremost, in the spirit of full disclosure, allow me to throw myself under the bus and admit that, yes, I’ve not only been cheated on, but I’ve also had an indiscretion or two of my own. But, to be fair, that was in my much younger, much more foolish days…which have long since past.

But with this knowledge of both sides of the cheating coin comes a unique perspective that makes me keenly aware of the causes of and the fallout from a wandering eye and no self-control. It isn’t pretty, it isn’t fair, but most importantly – you can’t come back from it. Yes, when it comes to cheating, once the damage is done, it’s best to just move on.

It might sound harsh to uphold a zero tolerance policy for cheating (um, I don’t consider it harsh, but maybe your definition of loyalty is different than mine), but insisting upon anything else is just unwise. What it comes down to is this: meeting someone is easy, but meeting someone worth keeping around is much harder. Add to that putting in the time/effort to actually build a relationship with them – and sustain it – and now you’re in pretty deep, ring on your finger or not.

Once you’ve convinced someone that you are the person you purport to be, you’ve essentially given your word (which still means something to some of us…though we appear to be fewer and farther between these days), and you’ve built up a level of trust. Hear that? A level of trust. I’m sure I don’t have to point this out, but just in case it bears repeating: Trust is everything. Once it’s gone, there’s nothing left.

No matter how much you care about the other person, no matter how much you didn’t intend to hurt them, you did. They didn’t have any choice in your behavior, but they do have a choice in how they react to it. Let them salvage what’s left of their dignity (an ironic twist, since they’re not the one who should feel ashamed) and exert control over at least something. And if they’re smart, they’ll do just that.

I understand exactly why people cheat. And I say “people” because I know it’s a two-way street, women are just as guilty. Sometimes it’s out of boredom, or restlessness, sometimes it’s a fateful combination of opportunity and lust, and other times it’s just the easiest way to sabotage something that you’re either unsure of or afraid of – it happens all the time.

But whether you want to pursue something with your fellow philanderer or it was just a one-off instance, your significant other 100% needs to know. Deserves to know. Anything else is just disrespectful, convincing yourself otherwise is a joke.

Cheating at all is the closest thing I can think of to spitting in someone’s face, I have that much enmity for it. And cheating then concealing it for your own benefit is like kicking them while they’re down, worse still. You haven’t given them all of the tools necessary to make an informed decision about their relationship fate, so it’s essentially trickery. It’s also false happiness, it’s cruel if others know first, and most of all it’s a Jenga tower just waiting to topple.

That said, I’m not sure how to reconcile this part of my argument, but I also feel that monogamy is a fundamentally unnatural thing. It goes against our very design…if, that is, we’re going entirely on our most primal instincts.

But we’re not.

Or at least we shouldn’t be. At some point, when we’re mature enough to recognize that we’ve evolved past our caveman ways, where identifying what you wanted and procuring it through any means possible was totally acceptable, we should break free of all that. The hope is that you eventually arrive at being a rational, complex human being who doesn’t settle down until he’s good well and ready. And at that point that you’re equipped to realize that the person you’re settling down with is irreplaceable. There’s a reason you’re with them, and hopefully it’s a good one.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – there will always be someone younger out there. Someone hotter. Someone with better hair or more money, and if we spend our lives being tempted by the prospect of something better, we’ll run ourselves ragged. Sew your wild oats as long as you need to, but once you link arms with someone, be mature enough to be all in.

Deciding that what you have is better than the prospect of what you could have is what separates us from the animals. And I’d rather date a man than a dog any day (insert bestiality comment here, sorry, it was too easy).

Granted, there are those who will argue that, in matters of marriage, the stakes are much higher, and things shouldn’t be so black and white. And I’d agree with them. The only possible exception I’d give with regards to cheating is if I’ve invested not only in sharing a life with someone, but also if children are (hopefully not!) involved. In that instance, it’s worth doing everything possible to repair the relationship, rebuild the trust, and hope to God to find a new version of normal.

But, I come from the school of thought that marriage is a Sacrament (old school Catholic, guilty as charged). And I’m not even sure that finding a new normal is possible, to be honest. The other person will always be wondering, always be uneasy, and hard as they try may never have peace of mind again.

It’s like even though you’ve made a commitment to someone, the minute you cheat you’ve effectively shattered that commitment to pieces. It’s as good as dust. And it’s pretty hard to rebuild something atop dust…not exactly a stable foundation.

Whatever your experience with cheating, the bottom line is that it sucks. Capital “S”, highly unsophisticated, just plain sucks. But even though neither party may have seen it coming, you can be smart enough to identify that you – or the other person – deserve better. Walk away angry, walk away with your head held high – it’s your call. Just mourn the loss of something that isn’t anymore, and walk away.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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