GIRL FACTS: THE SAGA CONTINUES

Girl Fact: We have underwear that serve specific functions. Like the I’m-Doing-Laundry-And-These-Are-From-Before-Christ pair we throw on in the meantime, the Comfy-And-Won’t-Give-Me-A-Wedgie pair we wear when we’re out of commission, and the Really-Uncomfy-But-I-Don’t-Care-I-Look-Hot-In-Them pair we wear when we think we might be bringing a guy home. Those are not to be confused with the Don’t-judge-me-for-buying-something-so-slutty pair that every girl owns. True story.

Girl Fact: We all secretly hate Blake Lively.

Girl Fact: Sometimes girls who say they like sports go to bars to “watch the game.” How can you tell if she’s an impostor? Block the screen and ask her what the score is, what number the star player’s jersey is or what color each team is wearing. Chances are she can’t tell you.

Girl Fact: We have a favorite amongst your friends, we also know which one we think is the hottest, and we’ll probably never tell you either one.

Girl Fact: We like to sing loudly while in the shower or driving in our cars, usually to guilty pleasure music like Taylor Swift, Gaga or Katy Perry. And no matter how unfortunate our singing voice is, in our minds we sound exactly like Kelly Clarkson.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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Beats That’ll Make Us Beat It

You know those songs on your iPod that you sing along to when no one’s around? Um, you should probably hide those if you you have a woman nearby – if you ever hope to see her again. There are few things sexier than a well thought-out play list to set the mood after you’ve gotten us back to your lair. On the flip side, nothing says “mood spoiler” like working your charm only to have that Kelly Clarkson song you forgot about pop up in your play list. Doh! Sorry boys, no graceful recovery from that one.

I’m not saying you can’t own cheesy music, I’m just saying you should conceal said embarrassing evidence of fan-dom by placing these songs in an inconspicuously marked play list. Something we’d never click on, like “Weight Lifting Tunes” or “Fantasy Football Draft Soundtrack.” What falls into this taboo category?

For starters, any songs by artists with the last name Cyrus, Jonas or Osmond. Likewise any songs that have a corresponding dance associated with them that gets showcased at weddings or Bar Mitzvahs are frowned upon.

Songs that cause you to sing along in an unnaturally high, testicle-crushing falsetto voice are also not ideal (think tracks by The Darkness or Mika), nor are songs by artists we’d just as soon send back to their home countries (Nickelback, I’m looking at you here).

Perhaps the best gauge of what will horrify us or make us question your masculinity is if you happen to have a younger sister, and she happens to have any overlapping tracks on her iPod, consider deleting them immediately. This means no Bieber, no Kesha and definitely no Katy Perry.

It would also take some seriously good game to make me overlook a Taylor Swift, Hanson or Creed track playing in the background while you tried to make your move – and I haven’t met a man yet who fits that bill.

On the flip side of the pop music coin, you also have the hardcore rap landmines which can be just as off-putting. Eazy E’s “Gimme That Nut” may be fun in the car or at a club, but I doubt it’ll go over well with a glass of Cabernet on the couch.

So, unless you want us to shuffle our way out your door, you might consider taking my advice next time before you hit “Shuffle.” There are plenty of tunes that make us swoon, you just have to find them. Or keep it right here, I promise to enlighten you. iWINGMAN 

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