AND THE MOVEMBER WINNER IS… THIS GUY.

Jonathan Burnside Mo Space

Jonathan Burnside Mo Space

I just…I mean…I…can’t…

Yeah.

The month of Movember may be over, gentlemen, but it’s traumatic photo legacy lives on. At least for this dude, who took the charity project really, really seriously.

Who the hell is he, you ask? Beats me, but according to his Mo Space page, he’s Jonathan Burnside, who for some crazy reason only yielded $333 of donations for growing a cat portrait in his facial and chest hair. I’m not sure what’s going on with the floating paws in this photo, but I am sure that any man who shaves a p***y into his belly probably doesn’t get any in real life.DAPPER WINGMAN
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12 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT PENISES. YUP.

Everyone knows Movember (or “No shave November” for you squares) means you and your buddies get to look like a mixture of Hulk Hogan, Tom Selleck and a banjo player for Mumford & Sons for a full calendar month and no one gets to be all judge-y about it. Because it’s for charity.

But not everyone knows that it’s to raise awareness for prostate, testicular and other male cancers, which basically makes it the male equivalent of the “Save The Boobies” October campaign for women. (*Sidenote, I detest that slogan.)

So in honor of all things peen-related, I give you 12 Facts About Your Penis, gentlemen. All data is scientific, some thoughts are female-tific (SHUTUPITSAREALWORD), but all are spot-on accurate. Enjoy.

Tosh.0

Tosh.0

12. Every penis used to be a clitoris. Ironic, since female readers tell me frequently how some you wouldn’t seem to know what to do with the “c” word if one hit you in the face (um, figuratively), let alone having your own equipment derived from one. But yes, every penis in the womb starts out as a clitoris (“Delores? Mulva?”) before hormones ‘sex’ the brain of the to-be male.

But your penis didn’t forget where it came from, it’s dark underskin (“taint” for the less clinical) and thin seam that runs from scrotum to anus, known as the raphe, are remnants of the fusion of the vaginal lips. I know. Mind. Blown.

11. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter, since erections require good blood flow and smoking calcifies blood vessels. F**k being wary of choking your lungs with tar and carcinogens, this is the best anti-smoking campaign for men ever. And speaking of size…

10. The largest penis to ever be medically verified was 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches in circumference. DAMN. Dudes begin hating that guy in 3, 2, 1… Since the Average Joe’s wang is 6.2 inches long when fully erect, I think I speak for all females when I say, “That shit cray.” But, since the average vajajay is only 3 – 4 inches deep, that shit might also be overkill.

9. The average male orgasm lasts six seconds, while women get 23 seconds. Clearly, that makes us four times more awesome.

phallic_pasta

8. Semen is low calorie. Yup, it contains only one to seven calories per…deposit. That’s about the same as a cup of fresh spinach, according to Men’s Health. Ew. But have fun trying to convince your woman she should go downtown because it’s less fattening than Pinkberry. And while we’re on the topic…

7. Lay off the red meat and dairy produce, as they’ve been proven to cause the worst tasting spunk. Somewhere, asparagus is feeling vindicated. Great, just what vegans needed, another reason to be smug.

6. The most utilized penis in history – or the one that’s enjoyed the most women – was that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women, seven a day, between 1770 and 1784. No word if that enjoyment went both ways, though.

5. Cheaters have big balls. Obviously, as in audacity, but also in actual larger testicle size, too. And according to a recent study, are most likely to be driving an Audi. (I won’t even touch that – the Audi fact, not the giant balls. Well, those too.)

4. There is a park in South Korea full of penises. It’s a tribute to an old fishing legend about a mariner whose virgin girlfriend drowned after he left her on a rock, causing the village a fishing drought.  Erecting (zing!) phallus-shaped sculptures and statues turned the curse around – naturally, because duh – and visitors can still go there today. Speaking of too many penises…

3. Diphallus is a rare condition affecting one in 5.5 million males where they’re born with two penises. F**king. Stud. Unfortunately, it’s rare that both are fully functional, and usually requires surgery to correct the deformity. Men everywhere just simultaneously thought the same thing. “Deformity?! More like rockstar.”

2. No brain involvement is necessary for ejaculation. The physiological order actually comes from the spinal cord.

Women everywhere just simultaneously thought the same thing. “No brain required? We could’ve told you that.”

1. Penis breakage is real, and it’s ugly. Every year, at least 200 Americans and 30-40 Britons break their penises, causing an “audible crack” and painful swelling, either during violent intercourse or during the most common cause of penile rupture, vigorous masturbation.

I’m just going to leave this here. GEEK WINGMAN

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OH MY GOD THIS. SO MUCH OF THIS.

Holy shit, someone just came up with the best dude invention ever. Granted, you might argue that Miss Wingman is wrong, since it involves some pain on your part to facilitate more happiness on ours (suck it up, fellas), but I disagree. This. Is. Amazing.

So what is this miracle product?

Oh, just sandpaper…for your face. FTW? Stop being a pussy, bro, and listen up. A company called The Soft Goat (I won’t even ask) just solved the skin-chafing problem caused by your razor stubble after you get up close and personal with that girl you’ve been talking to lately. You know, where she comes away from that kissing session looking like her skin just went through a cheese grater? Right. Not a good look for us.

The blotchiness-prevention trick comes in the form of a hypoallergenic foam pad layered with abrasive paper. But don’t worry, the designers spent years honing the coarseness to find just the right balance between effectively stubble-softening, and won’t rip open your skin.

By rubbing the “sandpaper” over your stubble, the prickly edges get rounded down, much like what happens when two pieces of sandpaper are rubbed together. But don’t use it on just shaved skin or attempt it on a full beard, it’s not designed to handle that – and neither are you. 

The Soft Goat

The Soft Goat

So, why sandpaper and not something less…medieval sounding? Traditional products like beard oils or conditioning agents are made to soften the longer hairs of your beard, but don’t work on stubble. Additionally, lotions and creams are no match for your 5 o’clock shadow, however it’s been groomed. Just keep the lotion in your nightstand where it belongs, boys.

Kidding. Definitely don’t do that.

The scruff and goatee softener comes in a box of three and retails for $11.99 – a small price to pay for the gratitude she’ll feel when she can makeout with you without looking like she just ate shellfish and broke into hives. Consider this payback for all of the “Beauty is pain” rituals we put ourselves through for your benefit, gentlemen. And hey, if you (don’t) scratch our backs, we might be more inclined to scratch yours.DAPPER WINGMAN

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WHAT YOUR FACIAL HAIR SAYS ABOUT YOU

With Movember drawing to a close today, men everywhere will be hoisting their razors in a goodbye salute. But, that doesn’t mean your fun with facial hair has to end! Of course you can go full monty and shave it bare – no whiskers or stubble means our skin gets spared when stealing kisses – or you can get a little creative with your trimmers. If you choose the latter, here are some ways to tell what your facial hair says about you:

Chin Strap Beard – What it says: “I just left the club with my shiny dress shirt-wearing boys and am headed back to Staten Island now. But damn, I looked fresh to death tonight” (Thanks, Pauly D). It also tells the world that you probably own diamond stud earrings and wish you were related to the Gotti brothers.

Soul Patch – What it says: “I was going to shave it all, but left just this one spot for flava – on purpose.” It’s also typically worn by wanna-be rockers, guys who listen to Daughtry or honest to goodness jazz musicians. I’ve seen a few men pull this off successfully, but they’re either Apolo Ohno or just really handsome. Not for the average Joe.

The Horseshoe (otherwise known as Hulk Hogan’s ‘stache of choice) What it says: “If you need me I’ll be in my Ford F-150 blasting Tim McGraw on my way to go see Wrestlemania.” While I respect any man with the pair to grow such an audacious ‘stache, it’ll pretty much guarantee that no women hit on you. Ever again.

Muttonchops – What they say: “I make loads of cash…at my side job, as an Elvis impersonator.” While they’re really just sideburns on speed, these large, overgrown step brothers to their garden variety kinsmen are just heinous. Not indie hipster ironic, and not hot – unless you’re Hugh Jackman in Wolverine.

Five O’Clock Shadow (or any stubble, really) – What it says: “I’m so easy going and laid back that I don’t need to shave every day.” Also, “Hey, if Colin Farrell can pull it off, so can I.” I’m actually a fan of some stubble, especialy for guys who want their faces to have a little more definition. No complaints here, be lazy all you want – it’s generally a winner.

That’s the gist of it, gents. I know it must be a drag to have to shave every day, but if you choose to shun the shears go ahead and put some personality into it.

But, if you’ve been told that you have a handsome face, it’d be a shame to cover it up – don’t obscure what works in your favor, after all. Just remember to rock whatever style you choose with confidence and keep it neat, simple and most importantly – crumb-free.DAPPER WINGMAN

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