BROSMETICS? 5 THOUGHTS ON MAN MAKEUP.

Tom Ford For Men Skincare

Tom Ford For Men Skincare

The last time a word made me practically choke while speaking it aloud, it was “brocelet,” (an incarnation of man jewelry, obviously.) But as much as Miss Wingman wants the dictionary of facepalm-inducing terms being added to the dude lexicon to stop growing, I bring you another chance to increase your vocabulary. Behold: “Brosmetics.”

If you’re picturing a guy in Dartmouth Lacrosse shorts wearing guyliner scratching his balls, don’t worry – I did, too. Luckily, it’s not that.

The rise of man makeup started as a quiet rumble several months ago, courtesy of Tom Ford’s new line of products for men. But apparently, it’s steadily crescendoed into…not quite a roar, but at least, like, a louder rumble. This is partially thanks to a recent GQ article by Miss Wingman’s favorite writer and fellow smartass, Drew Magary. If you haven’t read Magary’s stuff on Deadspin (or otherwise), you’re missing out.

So he posed the question, “Will Real Men Ever Wear Makeup?” while using products from companies like Mënaji (huh?), Jane Iredale (who?), and of course, Tom Ford. All while trying to protect his stash from his wife, because duh – if you’re going to own it, we’re going to steal it from your dopp kit, fellas. But even though he was able to draw his own conclusions from this little facial foray, I thought it only appropriate to offer Miss Wingman’s musings as well. Here are…

5 Female Thoughts On Man Makeup:

It’s all about trickery. Welcome to the advertising hellscape that women experience on a daily basis, gentlemen. How does it feel to have things marketed to you using a “Be less ugly,” platform? At least brosmetics companies know the importance of the It’s-Not-Girly-We-Swear presentation, so they use black, gunmetal or cigar box packaging. They might as well put a ribeye, a jock strap and a photo of Kate Upton’s boobs in there, too, just to hammer the testosterone home.

Nice try calling it “urban camouflage,” too. Bitch please. It’s man makeup. Just like the “jitney” is an uber-Hamptonsy way to avoid calling it what it really is, “the bus.”

It feels awesome. It’s OK, we get it. And so do the Koreans, apparently. Man makeup is huge in Asia (who knew?) Even Magary described brushing bronzer onto his face as “delightfully soft, like a tiny puppy is doing somersaults on my cheeks.” Totally, bruh. Not to mention how good it feels to go from looking like Voldemort to a fully-rested, evenly-complexioned person with killer cheekbones.

It won’t last. Face it (no pun intended), men don’t have to attention span or commitment required to adhere to a 15-minute beauty regimen every morning and night. Most of you can’t even be bothered to pick out matching socks. This is fine with us, since you’re largely ignorant of the towel-ruining properties of makeup anyway.

There’s a spectrum. There is a sliding scale of Acceptable Male Grooming vs. “Tha fuck’s on your face?” brosmetic product usage. Intrepid males should find reassurance in the fact that women would generally love for you to exfoliate your faces and clean up those pores. What we don’t want to see is you A) improperly applying concealer or bronzer so that you end up looking like an extra from “Lord Of The Flies.” Blend that shit, it’s not war paint. Or, B) being prettier than us. The ability to cover up blemishes is one of the only things we females get to enjoy over men SO JUST LET US HAVE THAT, OK?

Don’t be afraid to like it. Granted, I wouldn’t be thrilled if the guy I was dating suddenly wore more foundation than those chicks on “Shahs Of Sunset,” but that said – it’s not up to me (even though I will ridicule him for owning THIS.) Society needs to stop telling us what it’s OK to love, and what’s acceptable gender-specific behavior. I’m sick of people being baffled by my love of MMA, or throwing confused looks when I order scotch. So mud mask without shame, gentlemen – it’s 2014. Damn the man, save the Empire.DAPPER WINGMAN

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MISS WINGMAN’S DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BIRTHDAY WISDOM

It’s a Miss Wingman holiday! Which is kind of like a national holiday, only that no one gets off from work, and there’s a lot more drinking involved. In any case, today is the anniversary of the birth of this smartass lil’ writer, so I thought I’d keep the tradition going and impart more birthday wisdom, though the 1st one’s still my favorite.

As per usual, this one’s a mixture of sage advice people have given me (for a change), and things that I’ve gleaned myself. So, since we’re only as old as we feel, here’re 24 truths in honor of my 24th birthday (wink.)

*I have spent way too much time pondering why there is no emoji for cheese, but there are like 12 for train and calculator. WHERE’S THE FUCKING CHEESE EMOTICON, APPLE?

*I’m the girl who’s more likely to have banged up knuckles than painted nails, and any guy I end up with will have to be OK with that.

*There’s no need to point out people’s shortcomings in life or at work. They’ll almost always come out on their own eventually.

*My taste in booze has gotten better as I’ve gotten older. My taste in reality television has not.

*The exact right people you need will be brought into your life at the exact moment that you need them, so hang in there. And if they’re taking too long, just binge watch “House Of Cards” in the meantime.

*I stand by my contention that a well-placed expletive is sometimes (OK, often) necessary. And artful, when done correctly.

*Meet someone at the gym. If that person still wants to date you after seeing sweat drip off the end of your nose, they’re a keeper.

*In life, in relationships, and in work, Never. Stop. Trying. Things only fall apart when we phone it in.

*Awkward moments and shared laughter make for the best ice breakers. You can approach any woman this way, even if she’s out of your league.

*Citi Bike, leg warmers and green juice are a good idea in theory, just not in practice.

*People can get used to anything. Case in point, my own conservative parents tolerating the fact that their daughter writes about sex for a living. And yes, I probably should give them more credit.

birthday-candles

*No matter how much I know it’s not a real place, I’ll still never give up my dream of moving to Dillon, Texas and marrying Tim Riggins.

*When people disappoint you, take comfort in the fact that it was God’s way of showing you what you’re NOT missing.

*Uploading pictures of yourself draped in women will make any female worth holding on to run for the hills. The worthy ones won’t compete for your attention.

*Quoting “Can’t Hardly Wait,” “Mean Girls,” or “The Sandlot” is the quickest way to make a girl (this girl, at least) swoon. Amanduhhhhhh.

*You’re never too old to play in a bouncy castle. There is, however, a weight limit on kiddie swings.

*There’s a special place in hell for people who post spoilers on social media. Presumably, it’s right between Chris Brown and those Westboro Baptist Church A-holes.

*I only have 1 regret in my life, and he knows who he is.

*Peanut butter is not a food group, but it should be. Ditto for avocados.

*One day, we will all look back at Tinder, selfies and high top wedges and wonder what the fuck we were thinking.

*Don’t make someone a priority when they just make you an option.

*Once every 4 years hockey becomes relevant to everyone. To the bandwagon haters, I offer a heartfelt “Suck it.”

*There is nothing in your life that an hour with a heavy bag can’t fix.

*And the trifecta of rules everyone should live by: smile at strangers, find your passion, and call your grandparents.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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HOW TO SURVIVE VALENTINE’S DAY SINGLE

valentines 20sbdotnet

Even if you’re happily single, or single by choice, or any of the other excuses we tell our moms/paired off friends/the Duane Reade check-out guy ringing up our Russell Stover’s sampler to get them to BACK THE EFF OFF, OK? I’M FINE, Valentine’s Day is still an especially heinous day to be solo.

Because seriously, even if you’re genuinely happy with your life (as Miss Wingman is, more so this year than ever), the one day on the calendar when other people’s coupledom makes us more uncomfortable than that Kim and Kanye motorcycle video can still, well, suck.

But fret not, parties of 1, as with past Valentine’s Days, I’m here to dole out more advice to help you navigate Cupid’s unusually cruel gauntlet.

Or, at least just blot it all out until you can safely wake up and it’ll be the 15th. Either way.

1. Stay off social media. Hear me? Stay the fuck off of social media. And if you’re reading this via Facebook, close it (as soon as you’re done.) Unless you like seeing 400 photos of floral arrangements and dinners with the caption “Best boyfriend/girlfriend EVER!!!!” underneath it. Or worse, the dreaded newly-adorned ring finger picture.

*Miss Wingman note: Yes, we are truly happy for you, but seeing this on Instagram makes me want to upload a digit picture of my own…only featuring a different finger.

2. Drink.

3. Treat yo’ self. All that money you’d normally be spending on a significant other today? Use it to buy yourself something nice, like a massage, that sweater you’ve been eyeing, or just some really expensive booze.

Because seriously…

4. Drink. (And eat. At all of these places.)

5. Find your fun friends. You know, the ones who’re always down for the get-down? Yeah them. Then organize a dinner, karaoke or just convince them to skip town with you for the night.

6. Find small friends. Know who’s awesome on Valentine’s Day? Kids. FaceTime your nieces, nephews or friends’ kids and let them remind you how much it rocks to be little on a sugar-centric holiday.

7. Move here. Normally, I loathe everything that comes out of the state of Georgia, but for this, I’ll make an exception.

8. Drink. Not because you’re single, but because it’s Friday.

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind your life. Out with the old, in with deleting your exes from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and (gasp!) your phone. Sounds extreme? I thought so too – at first. But actually, it feels really, really good.

10. Get excited. For the possibility of who (or what)’s to come. Because you may not have everything you want in your life yet, but at least you don’t have the WRONG things. And that’s more than a lot of people can say.

11. Do something awesome. True story, I actually said these words to a friend who recently asked me about my Valentine’s Day plans: “I just want to shoot at some stuff, then get fucked up, is that bad?” As in, I wanted to hit the range and then hit the bars – but the look on her face (coupled with her “Um, I think you’re a dude” comment) told me that my taste isn’t for everyone. Point being, find something you love, whether it be hitting the slopes, live music or binge-watching Netflix, and just do it. Unapologetically, because you can.

And if those plans fall through, you can always…

12. Drink.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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HOW TO DO VALENTINE’S DAY IN NYC

Sure, Valentine’s Day is about telling the person you love how you feel about them with obnoxious shows of Instagram affection and overpriced floral arrangements, but it’s also about food. As in, amazing dinners, free booze, and enough desserts to put you into a blissful sugar coma. And since that last one’s more my style, I teamed up with the always kickass NYC Foodie Finder to bring you the sweetest Valentine’s offerings the Big Apple has to offer.

ROSE DONUTS

DINNER…

Virgola: 28 Greenwich Avenue, New York, NY 10011

Get in the mood sipping oysters in this sexy West Village Oyster & Wine Bar and get extra points for the complimentary Prosecco that comes along with your reservation by using the code “NYCFOODIEFINDER” when booking your reservation in February. Even better than free bubbly? At the end of the month 5% of all of the proceeds of reservations booked with the promo code will be donated to God’s Love We Deliver. 

Tip: Bring a lock for you and your Valentine to put your initials on and hang it on the gate entering to the restaurant with the other “love locks”. Menu & reservations.

Do or Dine: 1108 Bedford Ave. Brooklyn NY 11216

A mix & match Valentine’s dinner set to the soundtrack of Andre 3000′s The Love Below. Yes, you read that right. Tip: The foie gras doughnuts (huh?!) will the seal the deal if you still need some assistance, boys. For reservations, click here.

Da Marcella: Midtown 11 W. 51st St., lower level, or Village, 142 W. Houston St. (between Macdougal and Sullivan), New York, NY

Escape the cold by nestling away in this Mediterranean-inspired taverna, at either of their two NYC locationsTip: Da Marcella’s special prix fixe dinner menu, in addition to the a la carte menu, includes a complimentary champagne toast. If free booze doesn’t warm you up, I don’t know what will. 

Louro: 142 W 10th St, New York, NY 10014

There’s nothing tragic about this menu inspired by tragic love stories throughout history, with this Valentine’s day meal from chef David Santos. Reserve Thursday 2/13- Saturday 2/15 and choose from either a tasting menu for $95, or a 3-course option for $65. Menu and reservations.

Professor Radish – Valentine’s dinner at Zucker Bakery: 433 E 9th St, New York, NY 1000

You’ll be asking Professor Radish to be your Valentine after he makes you a 6-course menu to remember at the Valentine’s edition of his weekly pop up series: dinner in a bakery at Zucker Bakery. Tip: It’s BYOB, so don’t forget the booze! Menu found here.

SWEETS…

MACROON PARLOUR

Macaron Parlour: 111 St. Marks Place between 1st Ave & Avenue A                   

The Macaron Parlour gets even sweeter with their special Valentine Hearts collection macarons available in store. Swoon.

Dough: 448 Lafayette Ave, New York, NY 11205

Lust, passion & desire. Enjoy all 3 this Valentine’s Day with Dough’s limited edition threesome of donuts. Tip: Available for pre-order. Orders must be placed by midnight 2/12. Email orders to dough.valentines@gmail.com.

Dominique Ansel: (yes, the bakery behind the Cronut)189 Spring St, New York, NY 10012

Think pink, eat pink: All of the desserts in Ansel’s pastry case turn pink for one day- Valentine’s! Also totally in love with:

DOMINIQUE ANSEL LOBSTER LINZER

Lobster Linzer- Get serious and tell The One you’re “their lobster” with this adorable raspberry jam-filled linzer cookie.

For The Record: A chocolate candy bar resembling a vintage record, made with dark chocolate and marshmallow filling.

Love Letters: Dark chocolate bars are wrapped as letters in an envelope box. Each bar filled with a layer of crispy praline wafers.

DOMINIQUE ANSEL LETTERS

*Miss Wingman note: This writer’s heart would be signed, sealed, delivered and yours if I ever got these for Valentine’s Day. Such a fun idea!

Big Gay Ice Cream: 61 Grove St,. New York, NY 10014

Better than a bouquet of roses, starting February 13th The Big Gay Ice Cream’s West Village shop is serving up their Valentine’s Sundae with Padma Lakshmi’s rose ice cream, with crushed pistachios and rose-infused whipped cream. Whoa.

Donut Plant: 379 Grand St. or 220 W. 23rd St., New York, NY
Everything’s coming up roses for the month of February, because The Donut Plant is serving up donuts with edible rose petals and rose water glaze. They’re also offering rose marshmallows, rose hot chocolate, and this Valentine’s Day, donut lovers can also fall in love with their heart-shaped donuts, available in rose or passion fruit.
AND FOR SINGLES WHO’D RATHER DRINK THAN MINGLE…
Pork Slope – After Hours: 247 5th Avenue Brooklyn NY 11215

Celebrate being single and get wild with DJs from 9PM-2AM, food from chef Dale Talde and ladies – your first drink is on the house.

Meatball Shop – The Single Jingle Mingle: Underballs at Chelsea TMS (the bar under the Chelsea Meatball shop) 200 9th Avenue 

Reyka Vodka has come up with a night full of drink specials ($2 Be Mine shots and $5 Meat Lover cocktails) and MS chef Daniel Holzman is personally DJ’ing the event. I’m not sure what a Meat Lover cocktail tastes like, but I’ll let you make your own (sexual) joke there – not even going to touch it.

So that’s the V-Day culinary rundown, Wingman faithful. If you love NYC Foodie Finder’s suggestions, make sure follow her at @NYCfoodiefinder on Twitter or Instagram. Cheers!

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DATING HEADLINES TO NEVER, EVER USE.

datingheadlines

Let’s be honest, online dating can be daunting. We’re essentially taking everything that makes us unique and multidimensional, and boiling it down into a few sentences in an html field, a pithy headline and a pixelated smile. And then sacrificing ourselves at the altar of other people’s judgement.

Speaking of other people’s judgement, allow me to jump on the pile! Here are Seven Online Dating Profile Headlines You Should Never, Ever Use.

Dudes of Tinder, consider this an addendum to the list.

*“Work hard, play hard.” Unoriginal, party of one, your table is ready.

*Any mention of a spirit animal. Does anyone even understand what this hippie bullshit means? Congratulations, you and my mom’s Deepak Chopra-reading, post-menopausal friend who wears too much turquoise jewelry now have this in common.

*Referring to yourself as a poet, Renaissance Man, or anything else that conjures images of you in a turtleneck. Turtleneck introspection in general is not sexy. Also, you sound like a D-bag.

*“Live, laugh, love.” Do you really have to remind yourself of that? Might as well say “Eat, breathe, blink.” 

*“I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” No disrespect to Ron Burgundy, but once 1 out of every 5 dudes uses a line, its humor diminishes.

*“Carpe Diem,” “YOLO,” or anything of the sort. Really? Maybe pick another inspirational quote from your Successories collection.

*“I can’t believe I’m on here,” slash “I’ll try anything once.” Do you really want to say you’ll try anything once? What about sweat lodges? Or black tar heroin? PS ladies, this also smacks of sexual innuendo. Good luck with all the creeper comments you’ve just invited.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

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JUST WINGING IT PROFILE 101: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN

Let it never be said that Miss Wingman doesn’t favor a democracy. I’ve gotten a flurry of feedback on my current Match.com profile, and it’s been (mostly) constructive. Here’re some of your suggestions…

The bulk of the feedback involved changing out my profile photo for one that’s cropped more cleanly, or as one of you phrased it, “that doesn’t appear to have a metallic dong above your left shoulder.” Um, ok… This is where Miss Wingman wishes she had some Photoshop-savvy editorial assistants in her employ, but point taken.

Other photo-related comments included:

“Perhaps post an action shot of you doing an activity that you love, or cheering on your favorite team at a game or at a bar (since you love sports), OR just go totally casual and have a friend take a picture of you as you’re seated across from them at a nice restaurant…it’ll allow your possible matches to picture themselves sitting across from you. Ok, I’ll shut up now.”

*Miss Wingman note: No need to shut up, kids. Door’s open for any an all opinions. Though I’ll have to work on finding photos that fit the candlelit dinner suggestion. Pics watching a game can be arranged. Do you think the men of Match will find a shot of me smack talking Broncos fans with wing sauce on my face off-putting? Because that’s what this weekend looked like…

As for my profile text, the masses wanted me to know:

“As a dude, this one is a bit intimidating: ‘I don’t like anything as much as I love my family.’ It might be better say it like this: ‘I’m very close with my family and they are one of the most important things in my life.’ It’ll give your possible matches the idea that you have plenty of room in your heart for them, versus just for your family. Not hatin’…just saying.”

Good notion. I’ll find a way to rephrase.

“You are a very positive/optimistic person. That is a fantastic and unique quality as there are so many ‘Negative Nellies’ out there… Maybe make a statement regarding your eternal optimism? It’s a quality that you can’t leave out.” Thank you, and good point. Even though Miss Wingman is fluent in sarcasm, I consider myself to be a glass half full person. And sarcasm is often confused for cynicism, I’m afraid.

“The line ‘I live by the mantra: Don’t listen to anything they say, just pay attention to what they do,’ is SO true but a guy may just read ‘She doesn’t listen’. Possibly use the cliche ‘Actions speak louder than words’ or something along those lines, to make your meaning clearer… just a suggestion.” Got it, cliches all the way. Check.

“Eliminate the subway comment, makes you sound like a judger and nobody likes a judger.” Normally I’d 100% agree with this statement, nobody likes a Judgey McJudgerson. However, since this comment came from a friend who lives outside of NYC, he failed to realize that it’s not judgmental so much as it’s just GODDAMN GOOD SENSE. And reflective of basic standards of decency and hygiene.

Being repulsed by people who eat on the subway can and should be used as a litmus test for people’s sanity. I’m sorry, but that line might have to stay.

And finally, the one that was asked by more than one male reader: “You didn’t say what you’re looking for in a man. Seriously, what is your type?” So in an effort to fill in the blanks on what guy falls into my wheelhouse, I’m offering this insight…

My type of guy is humble. He rarely makes himself the center of attention, but he can carry an intriguing conversation and charm the hell out of people when he deems it appropriate. He’s ambitious and has his act together, but not so focused on the trappings of success that he forgets to have compassion for his fellow man. A kind heart is as important to me as a fulfilling career and an eduction.

And speaking of which, I have to be intellectually challenged. I’m not hell-bent on my mate being smarter than I am, but I gravitate towards people who force me to see the world from a different perspective, teach me things I don’t know, or nudge me outside of my comfort zone.

My type of guy is loyal. Let me repeat that one: he’s loyal. Both to me and to his family, which needs to be a strong priority in his life. Loyalty may be a lost art, but there’s little doubt the person I end up with will have it in spades. And maybe this is where I lose some of you, but having some sort of faith-based belief system is important to me. I’m fairly religious, and though I don’t care whether my mate is of the same background, I do care that he has a sense of perspective and leans on something larger than himself. No skeptics, please.

My type is unafraid. He’s enough of a man to speak his mind, inconvenience himself for something or someone he deems worthy, and will fight to keep things of value in his life. I have no time for cowards, weaklings, pushovers, or for those who misrepresent themselves.

My type makes me laugh (though not all of my exes have fit that bill), keeps his promises (no flakey boys, please), likes sports, loves to be active, and will always seize the opportunity to just get in the car and drive. He values time spent away from a significant other doing his own thing, but fundamentally believes that things are more fun with me around. It helps if he’s a night owl, at least somewhat of a smartass, and doesn’t mind leaving my parents’ house in a full-on food coma from time to time.

Superficially, my type has been my age or a few years older – he should feel like a peer, not an old man. Nor a project, either. Dudes requiring mothering need not apply. He’s generally clean cut and preppy. Not, like, Nantucket Reds preppy, but well put-together with a discerning sense of his own style. Height runs the gamut (Miss Wingman has dated guys 5’9″ to 6’6″), but his body should mirror my own belief in physical appearance – that being strong, fit and toned is something to pride oneself on, but not to obsess over.

I’ve dated financiers, Green Berets (OK, only one of those, but one was enough), engineers, architects, musicians, and been equally fascinated by dudes in bespoke suits as by ones in head to toe tattoos. I more concerned about the qualities the man possesses than by the package in which it comes. But strong physical chemistry is essential.

So that’s it, my kickass readers. My man in a not-so-brief nutshell – hope that answered your question. Below are two alternative profile photo options. Comment on which you prefer to help me choose. Unless, that is, you’re as sick at looking at my face as I am these days. Seriously, why am I doing this again? Until next time, as usual, I’ll be just winging it.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

2013-12-25 16.57.57jost

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AND TODAY’S WINNER IS…

tinderphoto

Whilst perusing the never-ending dude army that is Match and Tinder, Miss Wingman recently found this dude. Yeah. 

And though sadly, no, my type does not involve abs that look like your diet consists of 50% tuna, 50% Met-Rx, 0% carbs (seriously, bro?), I felt the need to share this with you. Why? Because this is the type of thing we’re dealing with here, kids.

Even more ridiculous than the married guys with profiles who give zero fucks about unabashedly showing their wedding rings in photos are dudes like the above male.

And the only acceptable comment on him comes courtesy of my tot nephew, who upon seeing this screenshot saved in my phone asked me wide-eyed, “Is that Superman?”

To be fair, he has an obsession with superheroes.

Incidentally, to the abs guy, wherever you are…there are no words. But to the aforementioned group of married men, consider yourself targeted. Yup, every time I come across one of you, don’t be surprised if your screenshot doesn’t end up on public display. Not a fan? You should’ve thought about that before. The app’s called Tinder, after all. Not “Adulterer.” Happy hunting! –MW.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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