AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MEN OF TINDER

tinder2

This past weekend, surrounded by booze, basketball and friends who were singing the praises – and pitfalls – of Tinder, Miss Wingman finally broke down and installed the app that all the kids are using these days. And yes, that statement makes me sound like my parents (“What is this, the Tinder?”)

In the ensuing days, I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit down the Tinder rabbit hole, perusing the man-ventory and taking stock of the culture. And what I’ve learned, in the words of Jay-Z, is “That shit cray” (in a good way.) Still, I thought it best to provide a Public Service Announcement to the men of Tinder, for your sake and for the sake of all the females out there who may or may not be suffering from Swiping PTSD. Here goes…

Dear Dudes of Tinder,

Congratulations on completing the rigorous task of downloading a mobile app in your pursuit of some female companionship! How very gallant of you. I’m sure you’re having a blast, but just in case you’re finding that your courtships aren’t as fruitful as you’d like them to be, I thought I’d provide you with some do’s and don’ts to aid you in your search. Sorry to be a Negative Nelly, but let’s start with the Don’ts, shall we? Boys, kindly avoid these types of photos:

The Group Fake Out - Every shot has more dudes in it than the first string of a football team. Which one are you? Who of this group looks like a Doug? The fuck if I know.
Photo Disappointment - This is what results from group shots. It’s not a good idea to surround yourself with your hot friends, FYI. It just bums us out when we realize you’re not the one with the cute dimples, but the one rocking the Jeter fade.
Weaponry - I love shooting, too. But what part of seeming approachable to total strangers who are smaller than you involves a .38 or a .20 gauge? Confused.
Foreigners - Just curious, “Englishman in NYC,” Irish dude or ambiguously South American guy, is there anything other than soccer in your country? Nice jersey.
Cats - So many guys posing with cats! Why why why? Least sexy visual ever…unless it’s a jungle cat.
Wounds, gore or blood - I don’t get it, are you trying to pick up a triage nurse?
Profile shots of objects/landscapes instead of, like, you – You’ve just told us that there’s a strong likelihood that you may or may not be a total mutant. Thanks for the heads up!
Girlfriends, wedding rings - Seriously? Not interested in being a sister wife, sorry.
Visibly f**ked up - Just a thought here, but you might want to try to appear sober in at least one of your photos. Maybe?
Eating – nay, inhaling, food - Things I’ve never thought: “Damn, that guy looks really sexy destroying that Big Mac.” True story.
“Look At How Manly I Am” shots - Ironmans are badass, fine. Tough Mudders? Ever since your little sister and her friends started doing them, eh, not so much.
Excessive muscles and/or tattoos - Sends the same message as the above. Also, a surefire way to half your female prospects. Giant lats aren’t for everyone.
The Hot Girl Heram - Congrats. Being surrounded by 9′s showcases your extraordinary ability to… be in close physical proximity to attractive people. Impressive, bro.
Extreme landscapes (read: the desert, bottom of the ocean, atop a mountain or in front of one of the 7 Wonders of the World) – There’s a fine line between being adventurous, and being a one-man National Geographic. Your living room would’ve been fine.

Unabashedly douchey settings - The red pants, popped collar group shot with girls in tennis skirts = us not being able to tell if the theme of your party was “preppy white people of privilege,” or if you’re just like that.
The Peen - Dick pics, really? WTF is wrong with you people?
Selfies in your car, hotel room or (God help me) shirtless in the bathroom mirror - Do I even need to explain? Just. Stop.

I hope that helps clear things up a bit? Alright then. With regard to quotes, gentlemen, please avoid:

The “Don’t worry, I’ll tell people we met at Whole Foods, a book store, or fill in the blank location” joke - Wasn’t funny the first 5 times we read it! Also, what’s wrong with meeting people on Tinder anyway?
Philosophical bullshit - Thanks for that borrowed Nietsche quote. If I wanted to be enlightened, I’d have one of those black, framed Successories jawns on my desk.
Literary quotes - See above, and swap out Nietsche for Camus.
Being a Regulation Asshole - Saying, “Why does every girl I meet on here want to get married? Whatever, most of them are fatter in person anyway,” shockingly does not endear you to us. Crazy, I know.

But since Miss Wingman doesn’t love excessive finger wagging, here are some Do’s to serve as helpful tips to the slightly Tinder Challenged. Do:

Have more than 1 photo - Let’s face it, any 4 can get lucky and look like a 7 just once if the camera angle is just right. Prove it’s not a fluke. However…
Limit photos to 3 - More than that can work against you. As in, “Ooh, he was so close until I saw him in that deep V-neck tee and rosary necklace.” (Left swipe.)
Make your face actually visible - Because we’re not interested in the Here’s-what-I-look-like-as-seen-through-a-telescope-from-outerspace portrait. Sorry.
Add useful information - Like your (hopefully socially acceptable) height, and phrases like, “Not my kid.” Thanks for clearing that up, bro. Speaking of height…
Remember size matters - It sucks, I know, but if you’re vertically challenged, you’re in luck! We can’t tell until we meet you in person, when you’ll be in a solid position to win us over with your wit and charm anyway. You’re just not doing yourself any favors by standing next to two of your 6’3″ buddies (or, like, a petite chick) and tipping us off ahead of time.

Also remember, dudes of Tinder, this rule: Things that don’t automatically make us like you? Boat shots, saying you’re a “Princeton grad” and expensive cars. Especially if the car has “Maserati of Manhattan” stenciled on the side. But don’t sweat it! There’re plenty of possibilities to make a successful connection on Tinder. That’s where savvy messaging and a nice smile comes in handy.

In reality, no “About me” section is necessary, and frankly it sometimes works against you. When emailing, don’t be afraid to get to the “Let’s meet up” point quickly, since by swiping right we’ve basically already admitted that we’d entertain sleeping with you. Or at least, that we don’t find the idea to be abhorrent. Score! So go out there, have some fun with it, and find your next hot date (er, hookup. whatever.) Just don’t swipe left by accident.

Cheers,
Miss WingmanTHAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter

AND THE STATE WHERE DUDES HAVE THE LARGEST PACKAGES IS…

Men's Health

Men’s Health

In what is arguably the only reason I’d ever have to move to North Dakota, men in the most boring state in the U.S. reportedly boast the biggest penis size. At least, according to recent data from Condomania.com, an online rubber retailer. Though size matters to women, and inquiring minds do want to know, no girl’s that ambitious. So thanks for doing the legwork – or more accurately, 3rd leg work – for us, Condomania.

The site analyzed data from the past two years (exhaustive, I know) regarding how many men were buying up small, medium and large condoms in each state, and it turns out guys in North Dakota pack the most heat. Or at least, the few dudes with big D’s who live in the state buy up the most large condoms online. Because seriously, when the nearest town with a population over 236 people is an hour away, and the nearest CVS is almost as far – not to mention there’s nothing better to do there than, um, keep warm – you’d be buying hella condoms online, too.

In case you’re wondering which other states rounded out the top 10 (that women would, like, actually visit), it plays out as follows:

2- Rhode Island (smallest state, biggest equipment, well done R.I.!), 3- South Dakota, 4- Washington, D.C. (Miss Wingman used to live there, so I beg to differ, but OK…), 5- Massachusetts (also boasts the biggest assholes, though not the anatomical kind), 6- Ohio, 7- Arizona, 8- Alabama, 9- New York, and #10 is South Carolina (hey, they’re not called Gamecocks for nothing, ladies.)

Granted, this data leaves something to be desired, as it leaves out men who purchase condoms other ways, or bros who refuse to bag it at all (an idea that’s on its way out), so make of it what you will. For a complete list of how men in your state rank, check out this handy dandy infographic from Men’s Health. And don’t worry, Mississippi, you’ll get ‘em next year.GEEK WINGMAN

Facebook Twitter

PEOPLE WHO TRASH WEDDING DRESSES PROBABLY DESERVE TO CATCH FIRE, LET’S BE HONEST.

White Studio Photography

White Studio Photography

Ever walked up to a starving person with a Shake Shack burger (or whatever the equivalent is in your flyover state) and NomNomNom’d right in front of them, while commenting on how good it was and how full you were getting? Or flashed a wad of bills at people collecting for charity only to use it to fan yourself in this heat and then put it away? I hope not, because that would make you an a$$hole.

The same kind of a$$hole who would spend thousands – or less, David’s Bridal’s aight, too – on a dress, only to immediately destroy it after you wore it. Who would do such a thing, right? Apparently, these people.

I know news outlets, The Knot and opportunistic photographers are trying to convince us that “Wedding Dress Trashing” is a thing right now, but let me clear something up: F–k these people. These people are morons. You know what else is a thing? Midget tossing, but you don’t see me grabbing the first little person I see on the sidewalk and punting them, because some s**t, while technically possible, just doesn’t need to be done.

Like setting your wedding dress on fire, or jumping into a body of water with a strong current wearing 20 lbs of satin and tulle (and then drowning, sadly), all so that it would make for an awesome Facebook album or get your Instagram featured on The Wedding Channel.

What the f–k, people? Are you stupid? Has it completely escaped you that there might be better things to do with that dress? Obviously. So here’re a few suggestions, just in case your creativity checked out along with your judgment.

Donate it. Do you know how many organizations accept used dresses for less fortunate or budget-conscious brides? Well I don’t, because I haven’t bothered to count, but I’m sure there are about a zillion. Services like Goodwill or the Salvation Army are in practically every city. If you’re feeling generous AND socially aware, you can even find a place where the proceeds go to cancer research, like the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Thrift Shop. It’s called Google, people. Use it.

Pass it down. Got kids? Plan on having any? Maybe you’ll have a daughter one day who really appreciates the sentiment behind wearing your repurposed dress. Or a son. Because hey – it’s 2013, and that works, too.

Get crafty. Martha Stewart has made an empire out of doing things with scissors and a hot glue gun that no person without an overabundance of time should ever do. I mean, I’m probably not going to make keepsake throw pillows out of my hypothetical dress to my hypothetical husband one day, but whatever, maybe you will. Who doesn’t love throw pillows?

(Lots of people, actually.)

Or bust your dress out at the divorce party all of your friends know is eventually coming to help laugh about your failed marriage and lack of foresight. Bonus self-esteem points if it still fits! Or do housework in it. Mow the lawn in it. Hell, watch the Clippers game in it with a beer on your couch, I don’t care. Just don’t destroy it doing your best Steve-O impersonation. Or, squander the opportunity to help someone else. Because altruism’s sexy. But stupidity’s not a good look on anyone. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter