WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DATE IN NYC. BASICALLY.

Because someone out there understands the struggle – and has way, way more time on their hands than I do – this video parody of the Tinder dating app has just surfaced. (Also, if you didn’t know what Tinder was without the description, what the eff are you doing on this site?)

While I have little doubt that the people who made this gem will get it picked up as a series, I have even less doubt that dudes like “Trent,” the human embodiment of Goldman fin-ANCE smugness, will ever cease to exist in Manhattan. I know guys like him. I’ve dated guys like him. Hell, make that five.

Never has their been a more spot on representation of the gaping self awareness chasm between people who are on a date where one person thinks it’s going well, and the other person is wondering if their butter knife is sharp enough to open up a vein.

I have so many favorite lines in this (“Now, is that volunteer?”/ “Honestly, I just assumed they had a separate Timber for each borough”/ “It’s like watching a water bed, ughh”), but you can choose your own. It’s pretty long (that’s what she said), but so worth the watch.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter

SPOON US, GODDAMN IT. SCIENCE SAYS SO.

Onedirectionprefss Tumblr

Onedirectionprefss Tumblr

Because nothing’s more appealing than waking up with “dead arm” or peeling her face off of your sweaty chest, now you have even more reason to spoon your woman while you sleep. Or at least, be forced to sleep in some cuddle-like formation. Why? Because science, duh.

Researchers at the University of Hertfordshire (admit it, it sounds way more sophisticated than where you went to school) surveyed 1,000 couples about their sleeping positions, and what they found was that 94% of couples who slept touching one another were happy in their relationships, while a measly 68% of couples who didn’t sleep touching each other reported being satisfied in their relationships.

What’s more, of the couples who said they sleep with less than an inch separation from their partner, 86% of them said they were happy, while only 66% of couples who admitted to sleeping “more than 30 inches from their partner” reported being happy in their relationships.

So basically, spoon us, motherf*%#ers. Or else.

What’s so compelling about this study, other than the fact that way too many people are sleeping with nearly 3 feet between them – seriously, is one of you in a loft? are there bunkbeds? please explain – is that the most popular sleeping position for couples is back to back.

Granted, Miss Wingman doesn’t have a PhD in behavioral science, but maybe this is part of the reason why so many marriages end in divorce. As someone who has been in a past relationship where my partner literally did not acknowledge my physical presence while we slept, I can attest to the physical-distance-to-emotional-distance correlation. When the person you share a bed with doesn’t even throw the occasional arm over you or pull you in close, it makes you feel cold – in a way that pulling the covers up around you won’t fix.

So even though I’ve extolled the virtues of not cuddling us too much before (seriously, there’s a fine line between affection and neediness), allow me to make one caveat – especially while you sleep. Or wake up. Morning sex is pretty stellar, too (so I hear, in case you’re reading this, Mom).

Best case scenario, it ends in a little unexpected romp. Worst case, she complains about you poking her in the back. Either way, it doesn’t require much of you to just reach out.

If you’re lucky enough to be sleeping next to someone you care about, who may or may not be naked in case you need an added incentive, you’re luckier than you think. And your touch could be more meaningful than you think, too. Then you can rest easy knowing that your partner feels really, really loved.GEEK WINGMAN

Facebook Twitter

THE 10 SELFIES WOMEN HATE MOST.

Photo credit: mikkejohannes

Photo credit: mikkejohannes

10. All of them.

9. All of them.

8. Seriously, not even if you’re standing atop Everest. 

7. The Car Selfie. Creepiest. Thing. Ever. Additional points deducted for forgetting to unbuckle your seatbelt, bro.

6. The Bathroom Mirror Selfie. Really? The least you could do is close the shower curtain.

5. All of them.

4. The Hotel Room Selfie. Just curious, what part of your business stay at the Doubletree in Cleveland did you feel was particularly sexy?

3. The Gym Selfie. No need to hammer home the fact that you spend all your free time getting your swole on. Having traps bigger than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s sorta tipped us off already.

2. All of them. The fuck’s wrong with you?

1. The After Sex Selfie. Congratulations, whoever came up with the Instagram hashtag “#aftersex.” You’ve just surpassed The Westboro Baptist Church’s Fred Phelps and anyone with the last name Kardashian on my Most Hated List! FYI, snapping a picture of your post-coital self is the photo equivalent of TMI. Thanks for the trauma, gross couples of the Internet (and lonely dudes who tag their right hands).

Now find a new hobby.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter

THE APP GUARANTEED TO RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BRO.

Hate your relationship? Want to send your girl the message that you just. can’t. be. bothered? You’re in luck! There’s an app for that.

Thanks to some dudes in Australia, the dating app bar has just been lowered. Like, really lowered. Introducing BroApp, which promises to auto text your girlfriend for you, so that you can go out with the other Terribles and not have to worry about checking in with the ol’ ball and chain. And you thought dating couldn’t get any easier.

So how does it work? Bros enter their girlfriend’s contact info into the app, then they can either write a series of texts or choose from a default list of 12 messages (really personal, not-at-all-generic ones like, “Hi babe, how was your day?”), and then schedule them to be sent out on a specific day.

BroApp chooses the time that the texts are sent, and recognizes when you’ve recently messaged your girlfriend a non-completely bullshit composition of your own, in which case it waits to dispatch the next one.

And here I thought outsourcing your marriage proposal was the douchiest thing you could do.

Because the Brisbane-based developers have your back, the app not only recognizes your girlfriend’s Wi-Fi network so scheduled texts won’t be sent while you’re at her place, but it also prevents her from using the app herself.

BroApp

If she tries, it’ll bring up a “list of gifts you were planning to buy her,” they say. See how easy it is to foil us simple-minded women folk? The little lady’ll be none the wiser.

But they haven’t quite thought of everything, because they underestimate our ability to detect when you’re feeding us canned messages. (Sometimes, we’re smart.) Also, how does it handle responding to questions we’ve asked while you’ve gone off on autopilot?

Incidentally, the app’s currently only available on Android at the moment, which is pretty much the Google+ of smart phones anyway.

Sorry, abhorrent iPhone-using boyfriends. You’ll have to wait.

Lucky for you, the price of deception is cheap – the app only costs $1.99. As for us? Dating a guy who has BroApp on his phone seems awful, but it could be worse. We could be dating one of the guys who developed it.GEEK WINGMAN

Facebook Twitter

JUST WINGING IT UPDATE: WHAT GIVES?

214. That’s how many guys have mutually swiped right over my photo on Tinder – two hundred effing fourteen. That’s more total dudes than on 4 NFL teams combined (well, the dressed players at least). And yet how many Tinder dates have I gone on? One.

Likewise, I’ve been active on Match for several weeks now, and how many guys email me to set up dates? None. Well, none that fit into my actual dating parameters, at least…unless I expand my search to include dudes over 45. So, in my frustration and utter confusion, I’ve decided to utilize my resources and ask the masses to weigh in.

Men of online dating. And male readership. And, like, people at large – I need to know. What am I doing wrong here? What gives?

Before you all start crying out that I must be ignoring perfectly good dudes on Match, let me assure you – I’m keeping an open mind. I mean, I’m not willing to compromise on certain things, like the men I date having kids (Miss Wingman’s not ready to be a Wingmom, thankyouverymuch.) But for the most part, I’m letting what guys say dictate my interest, and ignoring superficial things like a receding hairline or a hideous wardrobe.

In fact, I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone entirely and began doing what I’ve never done before in my 30+ years on this planet: making the first move. I’m sending emails to guys, I’m striking up the first chat conversations when I get a new match, and…nothing. Literally, crickets. I hate to sound arrogant here, but I didn’t expect this. I thought that since I don’t post duck face bathroom selfies, don’t look like I have Hepatitis C, and can actually spell, that I’d be able to drum up some interest. But no. I stand corrected.

And frankly, it’s starting to give me a complex.

I’ve emailed like 15 guys on Match to strike up a conversation, to no avail. Not a single reply in the bunch. Here’s an example of a message I’ve used to break the ice with a particularly snarky Brooklynite:

“Quite possibly the only person on this site who’s more of a smartass than I am. Well done. Really quickly: love the kickboxing thing (I do it, too), and like you I also have an unnatural addiction to cheese, which I mitigate by running. We’ve probably crossed paths in the park.

Anyway, check out my profile, and if you come away convinced that I’m neither A) a lunatic nor B) a mutant, feel free to drop me a line. Could be fun to talk further. Take it easy.”

dateless

I’ve also used similar, shorter variations of this message with non-sarcastic dudes telling them that they seem like-minded and interesting, and always try to keep it brief and lighthearted. As for photos, you guys have seen what’s in my profile – and I added a full-body shot of me crossing a race finish line, per your suggestion.

The funny thing is, with Match at least, you can see who’s viewed your profile and when they did. I can only interpret that to mean that, for the guys that I’ve reached out to who have viewed my page after reading my email but then went radio silent, that they decided they’d rather pass than hit that shit (figuratively.) Ouch.

So, fine. Ew. I didn’t want to date you anyway, Doug in Hells Kitchen. The crosstown commute would’ve sucked. (Just kidding, there’s no Doug in HK. There are, however, a lot of men in Kew Gardens. I don’t even know where the hell that is.)

As for Tinder, I’m just chalking it up to the fact that guys use it as a game, and not a mode of actually meeting women in person in NYC. Like a sexier version of Candy Crush – only with chicks instead of lollipops and gummies. Is it laziness, and they aren’t willing to put forth the effort to set up actual dates? Or do I just need some more duck face bathroom mirror selfies? And yes, if I do the latter, you guys get to choose the color of my thong.

Anyway, I have no means for comparison, so if any of my guy friends on Match or Tinder want to offer their consulting services so I can peruse the female merchandise, now’s your chance. Or maybe it’s just time to join OK Cupid…

Until next time, Wingman faithful, as always I’ll be just winging it.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter

THERE GOES YOUR NO-BAG EXCUSE, FELLAS.

It’s good to know that charitable foundations are spending time on the really important things, like effing up your sex life.

That’s right, gentlemen, you now have The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to thank for new condom innovations that will leave dudes everywhere without an excuse to not wear a bag. Ever again.

See? Philanthropy can be used for feeding the poor, educating the masses AND C-blocking you. Literally.

But in all seriousness, faced with the global problem of eliminating sexually transmitted viruses, the spread of HIV and unwanted pregnancies, the Gates Foundation challenged scientists to design a condom that men and women would actually want to use. They aimed to develop one that men would hardly notice, but would still be strong enough to prevent the passing of pathogens. The winners were just announced, and the results were of the innovation level one would expect. Which is to say, pretty f&%king impressive.

gatesfoundationcondoms

So what can dudes expect to be donning on their D? How about a condom with easy pull on tabs that snaps open and slides on like a sock over a foot, thereby eliminating any fumbling around in the dark. Or, one made of beef tendon-based collagen that feels like actual skin, not like a synthetic rubber barrier. Or even one that contracts to fit your, um, member like shrink wrap upon heat activation. I know. That shit cray.

Luckily, these reinvented condoms won’t be for sale for a little over a year, so you have some time left to whine about how they kill the sensation, are too tight (Hahaha. Wait…hahaha), or that you just don’t have one handy. Until then, happy wrapping, boys.GEEK WINGMAN

Facebook Twitter

FIVE QUESTIONS WITH: BRIDGET MARQUARDT

Just in case the Miss Wingman faithful ever get tired of hearing advice from yours truly, now you have an outlet (sound of applause). Introducing “Five Questions With…,” where a notable female sounds off on a variety of topics. First up? I caught up with Bridget Marquardt of “The Girls Next Door” fame. This buxom blonde model, reality star and former Hef main squeeze knows a thing or two when it comes to making men happy.

Photo credit by Deja Jordan

From the pin up girl-like appeal that’s provided her with no shortage of male attention, to her recent partnership with Durex, Bridget knows what she likes between the sheets and she isn’t afraid to share it. So, it’s only fair that I pass along her wisdom for the betterment of male libidos everywhere. Enjoy.

When it comes to sex, what would you tell men to make sure NOT to do? “I’d say don’t cross boundaries. It’s okay to experiment to help find those boundaries, just try to explore without crossing them if you can.”

What’s the biggest mistake guys make in the bedroom? “I think the biggest mistake guys make is probably just being too aggressive.”

What’s your biggest turn off? “Ugh, my biggest turn off is body odor and uncleanliness. Being very clean is important obviously, but in the bedroom it’s a must. Girls are easily turned off by bad hygiene, so guys should make being clean their number one priority.” *Miss Wingman note: Amen, sista.

What kind of music do you like to listen to when you’re about to do the deed? “I like just something that makes you feel sexy, just that…puts you in the right mood. It’s different for everybody, and for me it depends on the mood. Sometimes it’s a slow jam with like a glass of wine or something, other times it’s rock and roll. It changes.”

So what’s the verdict: in your opinion, does size matter? “Unfortunately, guys, yes. Size matters a little bit. If it’s too big, then it’s a problem. The same is true if you’re too small, though. But most people don’t fall into those categories anyway. I’d say 95% of guys are good.”

(Insert collective sigh of 95% of the male population). That’s it, boys, you heard it from the mouth of a babe. Want more Bridget? Check out her website, and don’t forget to keep it here for the next installation of “Five Questions.” As always, I take requests: misswingman@gmail.com. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter