WHAT IT’S LIKE TO DATE IN NYC. BASICALLY.

Because someone out there understands the struggle – and has way, way more time on their hands than I do – this video parody of the Tinder dating app has just surfaced. (Also, if you didn’t know what Tinder was without the description, what the eff are you doing on this site?)

While I have little doubt that the people who made this gem will get it picked up as a series, I have even less doubt that dudes like “Trent,” the human embodiment of Goldman fin-ANCE smugness, will ever cease to exist in Manhattan. I know guys like him. I’ve dated guys like him. Hell, make that five.

Never has their been a more spot on representation of the gaping self awareness chasm between people who are on a date where one person thinks it’s going well, and the other person is wondering if their butter knife is sharp enough to open up a vein.

I have so many favorite lines in this (“Now, is that volunteer?”/ “Honestly, I just assumed they had a separate Timber for each borough”/ “It’s like watching a water bed, ughh”), but you can choose your own. It’s pretty long (that’s what she said), but so worth the watch.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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THE 10 SELFIES WOMEN HATE MOST.

Photo credit: mikkejohannes

Photo credit: mikkejohannes

10. All of them.

9. All of them.

8. Seriously, not even if you’re standing atop Everest. 

7. The Car Selfie. Creepiest. Thing. Ever. Additional points deducted for forgetting to unbuckle your seatbelt, bro.

6. The Bathroom Mirror Selfie. Really? The least you could do is close the shower curtain.

5. All of them.

4. The Hotel Room Selfie. Just curious, what part of your business stay at the Doubletree in Cleveland did you feel was particularly sexy?

3. The Gym Selfie. No need to hammer home the fact that you spend all your free time getting your swole on. Having traps bigger than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s sorta tipped us off already.

2. All of them. The fuck’s wrong with you?

1. The After Sex Selfie. Congratulations, whoever came up with the Instagram hashtag “#aftersex.” You’ve just surpassed The Westboro Baptist Church’s Fred Phelps and anyone with the last name Kardashian on my Most Hated List! FYI, snapping a picture of your post-coital self is the photo equivalent of TMI. Thanks for the trauma, gross couples of the Internet (and lonely dudes who tag their right hands).

Now find a new hobby.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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MISS WINGMAN’S DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BIRTHDAY WISDOM

It’s a Miss Wingman holiday! Which is kind of like a national holiday, only that no one gets off from work, and there’s a lot more drinking involved. In any case, today is the anniversary of the birth of this smartass lil’ writer, so I thought I’d keep the tradition going and impart more birthday wisdom, though the 1st one’s still my favorite.

As per usual, this one’s a mixture of sage advice people have given me (for a change), and things that I’ve gleaned myself. So, since we’re only as old as we feel, here’re 24 truths in honor of my 24th birthday (wink.)

*I have spent way too much time pondering why there is no emoji for cheese, but there are like 12 for train and calculator. WHERE’S THE FUCKING CHEESE EMOTICON, APPLE?

*I’m the girl who’s more likely to have banged up knuckles than painted nails, and any guy I end up with will have to be OK with that.

*There’s no need to point out people’s shortcomings in life or at work. They’ll almost always come out on their own eventually.

*My taste in booze has gotten better as I’ve gotten older. My taste in reality television has not.

*The exact right people you need will be brought into your life at the exact moment that you need them, so hang in there. And if they’re taking too long, just binge watch “House Of Cards” in the meantime.

*I stand by my contention that a well-placed expletive is sometimes (OK, often) necessary. And artful, when done correctly.

*Meet someone at the gym. If that person still wants to date you after seeing sweat drip off the end of your nose, they’re a keeper.

*In life, in relationships, and in work, Never. Stop. Trying. Things only fall apart when we phone it in.

*Awkward moments and shared laughter make for the best ice breakers. You can approach any woman this way, even if she’s out of your league.

*Citi Bike, leg warmers and green juice are a good idea in theory, just not in practice.

*People can get used to anything. Case in point, my own conservative parents tolerating the fact that their daughter writes about sex for a living. And yes, I probably should give them more credit.

birthday-candles

*No matter how much I know it’s not a real place, I’ll still never give up my dream of moving to Dillon, Texas and marrying Tim Riggins.

*When people disappoint you, take comfort in the fact that it was God’s way of showing you what you’re NOT missing.

*Uploading pictures of yourself draped in women will make any female worth holding on to run for the hills. The worthy ones won’t compete for your attention.

*Quoting “Can’t Hardly Wait,” “Mean Girls,” or “The Sandlot” is the quickest way to make a girl (this girl, at least) swoon. Amanduhhhhhh.

*You’re never too old to play in a bouncy castle. There is, however, a weight limit on kiddie swings.

*There’s a special place in hell for people who post spoilers on social media. Presumably, it’s right between Chris Brown and those Westboro Baptist Church A-holes.

*I only have 1 regret in my life, and he knows who he is.

*Peanut butter is not a food group, but it should be. Ditto for avocados.

*One day, we will all look back at Tinder, selfies and high top wedges and wonder what the fuck we were thinking.

*Don’t make someone a priority when they just make you an option.

*Once every 4 years hockey becomes relevant to everyone. To the bandwagon haters, I offer a heartfelt “Suck it.”

*There is nothing in your life that an hour with a heavy bag can’t fix.

*And the trifecta of rules everyone should live by: smile at strangers, find your passion, and call your grandparents.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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JUST WINGING IT UPDATE: WHAT GIVES?

214. That’s how many guys have mutually swiped right over my photo on Tinder – two hundred effing fourteen. That’s more total dudes than on 4 NFL teams combined (well, the dressed players at least). And yet how many Tinder dates have I gone on? One.

Likewise, I’ve been active on Match for several weeks now, and how many guys email me to set up dates? None. Well, none that fit into my actual dating parameters, at least…unless I expand my search to include dudes over 45. So, in my frustration and utter confusion, I’ve decided to utilize my resources and ask the masses to weigh in.

Men of online dating. And male readership. And, like, people at large – I need to know. What am I doing wrong here? What gives?

Before you all start crying out that I must be ignoring perfectly good dudes on Match, let me assure you – I’m keeping an open mind. I mean, I’m not willing to compromise on certain things, like the men I date having kids (Miss Wingman’s not ready to be a Wingmom, thankyouverymuch.) But for the most part, I’m letting what guys say dictate my interest, and ignoring superficial things like a receding hairline or a hideous wardrobe.

In fact, I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone entirely and began doing what I’ve never done before in my 30+ years on this planet: making the first move. I’m sending emails to guys, I’m striking up the first chat conversations when I get a new match, and…nothing. Literally, crickets. I hate to sound arrogant here, but I didn’t expect this. I thought that since I don’t post duck face bathroom selfies, don’t look like I have Hepatitis C, and can actually spell, that I’d be able to drum up some interest. But no. I stand corrected.

And frankly, it’s starting to give me a complex.

I’ve emailed like 15 guys on Match to strike up a conversation, to no avail. Not a single reply in the bunch. Here’s an example of a message I’ve used to break the ice with a particularly snarky Brooklynite:

“Quite possibly the only person on this site who’s more of a smartass than I am. Well done. Really quickly: love the kickboxing thing (I do it, too), and like you I also have an unnatural addiction to cheese, which I mitigate by running. We’ve probably crossed paths in the park.

Anyway, check out my profile, and if you come away convinced that I’m neither A) a lunatic nor B) a mutant, feel free to drop me a line. Could be fun to talk further. Take it easy.”

dateless

I’ve also used similar, shorter variations of this message with non-sarcastic dudes telling them that they seem like-minded and interesting, and always try to keep it brief and lighthearted. As for photos, you guys have seen what’s in my profile – and I added a full-body shot of me crossing a race finish line, per your suggestion.

The funny thing is, with Match at least, you can see who’s viewed your profile and when they did. I can only interpret that to mean that, for the guys that I’ve reached out to who have viewed my page after reading my email but then went radio silent, that they decided they’d rather pass than hit that shit (figuratively.) Ouch.

So, fine. Ew. I didn’t want to date you anyway, Doug in Hells Kitchen. The crosstown commute would’ve sucked. (Just kidding, there’s no Doug in HK. There are, however, a lot of men in Kew Gardens. I don’t even know where the hell that is.)

As for Tinder, I’m just chalking it up to the fact that guys use it as a game, and not a mode of actually meeting women in person in NYC. Like a sexier version of Candy Crush – only with chicks instead of lollipops and gummies. Is it laziness, and they aren’t willing to put forth the effort to set up actual dates? Or do I just need some more duck face bathroom mirror selfies? And yes, if I do the latter, you guys get to choose the color of my thong.

Anyway, I have no means for comparison, so if any of my guy friends on Match or Tinder want to offer their consulting services so I can peruse the female merchandise, now’s your chance. Or maybe it’s just time to join OK Cupid…

Until next time, Wingman faithful, as always I’ll be just winging it.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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THERE’S AIRPLANE TINDER NOW. I know.

Wingmandatingapp

Just what we needed – another way to turn the friendly skies into the borderline-creepy skies.

As if Virgin Airlines’ attempt at mile-high macking on the girl 3 rows back wasn’t enough (they’ve previously offered people the option of buying a drink for other passengers via their media controllers), now you can roll up on your fellow fliers even harder. Well, so long as you remain seated while the fasten seatbelt sign is illuminated, at least.

Spot a smokeshow on your flight and wanna know if she’s single? (Say it with me now, all together…) “There’s an app for that.” Introducing Wingman, the newest way to get some nookie on that early morning connection to Houston. Or Chicago. Or anywhere else with a major airport.

So how does it work? Wingman users create a profile, complete with photo, flight number and details like whether they’re traveling for business or, ahem, pleasure (ba dum bum). Then they’re connected with others who’ve downloaded the app and are on the same flight, and voila! They’re free to swipe left or right and start chatting.

The upside? Wingman works over Bluetooth, so if your airline’s Wi-Fi notoriously sucks (I’m looking at you, Southwest), it’s no sweat.

The downside? Wingman isn’t cleared for takeoff yet, but as soon as Apple’s ironclad app store signs off on it, you can ditch your usual go-to airplane pickup line (No, I would not like to borrow your copy of Sky Mall, thanks) and get to digital flirting.

seatbelt

Granted, Tinder’s usually lazy wait time for users to pull the trigger and actually message each other should be circumvented by the fact that, with Wingman, you only have the length of your flight to make a love connection. Possible pitfalls? The odds of multiple people on your 150-person flight A) having the app and B) actually being desirable could be slim, so you might have more luck with that cute flight attendant, but I guess only time will tell.

So pack some breath mints in that carryon the next time you fly, and with any luck you won’t have to rely on the latest Bradley Cooper flick to entertain you for four hours. Buckle up, stretch your legs (or, you know…don’t), and for the love of God, lose the neck pillow.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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HOW TO SURVIVE VALENTINE’S DAY SINGLE

valentines 20sbdotnet

Even if you’re happily single, or single by choice, or any of the other excuses we tell our moms/paired off friends/the Duane Reade check-out guy ringing up our Russell Stover’s sampler to get them to BACK THE EFF OFF, OK? I’M FINE, Valentine’s Day is still an especially heinous day to be solo.

Because seriously, even if you’re genuinely happy with your life (as Miss Wingman is, more so this year than ever), the one day on the calendar when other people’s coupledom makes us more uncomfortable than that Kim and Kanye motorcycle video can still, well, suck.

But fret not, parties of 1, as with past Valentine’s Days, I’m here to dole out more advice to help you navigate Cupid’s unusually cruel gauntlet.

Or, at least just blot it all out until you can safely wake up and it’ll be the 15th. Either way.

1. Stay off social media. Hear me? Stay the fuck off of social media. And if you’re reading this via Facebook, close it (as soon as you’re done.) Unless you like seeing 400 photos of floral arrangements and dinners with the caption “Best boyfriend/girlfriend EVER!!!!” underneath it. Or worse, the dreaded newly-adorned ring finger picture.

*Miss Wingman note: Yes, we are truly happy for you, but seeing this on Instagram makes me want to upload a digit picture of my own…only featuring a different finger.

2. Drink.

3. Treat yo’ self. All that money you’d normally be spending on a significant other today? Use it to buy yourself something nice, like a massage, that sweater you’ve been eyeing, or just some really expensive booze.

Because seriously…

4. Drink. (And eat. At all of these places.)

5. Find your fun friends. You know, the ones who’re always down for the get-down? Yeah them. Then organize a dinner, karaoke or just convince them to skip town with you for the night.

6. Find small friends. Know who’s awesome on Valentine’s Day? Kids. FaceTime your nieces, nephews or friends’ kids and let them remind you how much it rocks to be little on a sugar-centric holiday.

7. Move here. Normally, I loathe everything that comes out of the state of Georgia, but for this, I’ll make an exception.

8. Drink. Not because you’re single, but because it’s Friday.

9. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind your life. Out with the old, in with deleting your exes from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and (gasp!) your phone. Sounds extreme? I thought so too – at first. But actually, it feels really, really good.

10. Get excited. For the possibility of who (or what)’s to come. Because you may not have everything you want in your life yet, but at least you don’t have the WRONG things. And that’s more than a lot of people can say.

11. Do something awesome. True story, I actually said these words to a friend who recently asked me about my Valentine’s Day plans: “I just want to shoot at some stuff, then get fucked up, is that bad?” As in, I wanted to hit the range and then hit the bars – but the look on her face (coupled with her “Um, I think you’re a dude” comment) told me that my taste isn’t for everyone. Point being, find something you love, whether it be hitting the slopes, live music or binge-watching Netflix, and just do it. Unapologetically, because you can.

And if those plans fall through, you can always…

12. Drink.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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JUST WINGING IT PROFILE 101: THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN

Let it never be said that Miss Wingman doesn’t favor a democracy. I’ve gotten a flurry of feedback on my current Match.com profile, and it’s been (mostly) constructive. Here’re some of your suggestions…

The bulk of the feedback involved changing out my profile photo for one that’s cropped more cleanly, or as one of you phrased it, “that doesn’t appear to have a metallic dong above your left shoulder.” Um, ok… This is where Miss Wingman wishes she had some Photoshop-savvy editorial assistants in her employ, but point taken.

Other photo-related comments included:

“Perhaps post an action shot of you doing an activity that you love, or cheering on your favorite team at a game or at a bar (since you love sports), OR just go totally casual and have a friend take a picture of you as you’re seated across from them at a nice restaurant…it’ll allow your possible matches to picture themselves sitting across from you. Ok, I’ll shut up now.”

*Miss Wingman note: No need to shut up, kids. Door’s open for any an all opinions. Though I’ll have to work on finding photos that fit the candlelit dinner suggestion. Pics watching a game can be arranged. Do you think the men of Match will find a shot of me smack talking Broncos fans with wing sauce on my face off-putting? Because that’s what this weekend looked like…

As for my profile text, the masses wanted me to know:

“As a dude, this one is a bit intimidating: ‘I don’t like anything as much as I love my family.’ It might be better say it like this: ‘I’m very close with my family and they are one of the most important things in my life.’ It’ll give your possible matches the idea that you have plenty of room in your heart for them, versus just for your family. Not hatin’…just saying.”

Good notion. I’ll find a way to rephrase.

“You are a very positive/optimistic person. That is a fantastic and unique quality as there are so many ‘Negative Nellies’ out there… Maybe make a statement regarding your eternal optimism? It’s a quality that you can’t leave out.” Thank you, and good point. Even though Miss Wingman is fluent in sarcasm, I consider myself to be a glass half full person. And sarcasm is often confused for cynicism, I’m afraid.

“The line ‘I live by the mantra: Don’t listen to anything they say, just pay attention to what they do,’ is SO true but a guy may just read ‘She doesn’t listen’. Possibly use the cliche ‘Actions speak louder than words’ or something along those lines, to make your meaning clearer… just a suggestion.” Got it, cliches all the way. Check.

“Eliminate the subway comment, makes you sound like a judger and nobody likes a judger.” Normally I’d 100% agree with this statement, nobody likes a Judgey McJudgerson. However, since this comment came from a friend who lives outside of NYC, he failed to realize that it’s not judgmental so much as it’s just GODDAMN GOOD SENSE. And reflective of basic standards of decency and hygiene.

Being repulsed by people who eat on the subway can and should be used as a litmus test for people’s sanity. I’m sorry, but that line might have to stay.

And finally, the one that was asked by more than one male reader: “You didn’t say what you’re looking for in a man. Seriously, what is your type?” So in an effort to fill in the blanks on what guy falls into my wheelhouse, I’m offering this insight…

My type of guy is humble. He rarely makes himself the center of attention, but he can carry an intriguing conversation and charm the hell out of people when he deems it appropriate. He’s ambitious and has his act together, but not so focused on the trappings of success that he forgets to have compassion for his fellow man. A kind heart is as important to me as a fulfilling career and an eduction.

And speaking of which, I have to be intellectually challenged. I’m not hell-bent on my mate being smarter than I am, but I gravitate towards people who force me to see the world from a different perspective, teach me things I don’t know, or nudge me outside of my comfort zone.

My type of guy is loyal. Let me repeat that one: he’s loyal. Both to me and to his family, which needs to be a strong priority in his life. Loyalty may be a lost art, but there’s little doubt the person I end up with will have it in spades. And maybe this is where I lose some of you, but having some sort of faith-based belief system is important to me. I’m fairly religious, and though I don’t care whether my mate is of the same background, I do care that he has a sense of perspective and leans on something larger than himself. No skeptics, please.

My type is unafraid. He’s enough of a man to speak his mind, inconvenience himself for something or someone he deems worthy, and will fight to keep things of value in his life. I have no time for cowards, weaklings, pushovers, or for those who misrepresent themselves.

My type makes me laugh (though not all of my exes have fit that bill), keeps his promises (no flakey boys, please), likes sports, loves to be active, and will always seize the opportunity to just get in the car and drive. He values time spent away from a significant other doing his own thing, but fundamentally believes that things are more fun with me around. It helps if he’s a night owl, at least somewhat of a smartass, and doesn’t mind leaving my parents’ house in a full-on food coma from time to time.

Superficially, my type has been my age or a few years older – he should feel like a peer, not an old man. Nor a project, either. Dudes requiring mothering need not apply. He’s generally clean cut and preppy. Not, like, Nantucket Reds preppy, but well put-together with a discerning sense of his own style. Height runs the gamut (Miss Wingman has dated guys 5’9″ to 6’6″), but his body should mirror my own belief in physical appearance – that being strong, fit and toned is something to pride oneself on, but not to obsess over.

I’ve dated financiers, Green Berets (OK, only one of those, but one was enough), engineers, architects, musicians, and been equally fascinated by dudes in bespoke suits as by ones in head to toe tattoos. I more concerned about the qualities the man possesses than by the package in which it comes. But strong physical chemistry is essential.

So that’s it, my kickass readers. My man in a not-so-brief nutshell – hope that answered your question. Below are two alternative profile photo options. Comment on which you prefer to help me choose. Unless, that is, you’re as sick at looking at my face as I am these days. Seriously, why am I doing this again? Until next time, as usual, I’ll be just winging it.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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