Listen up, men of the world. Miss Wingman is all for praise and patting you on the back for having good manners, decent style or even superior pick up skills, but sometimes I have to put my foot down.
And speaking of feet, we need to talk.
Now that the mercury is rising (or more accurately, assaulting the hell out of us) there are a few things you boys need to be aware of in the grooming department. Why? Because summer is rife with opportunities for picking up women. Roof top parties, backyard barbecues, ball games, weddings, concerts – it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. So why would you voluntarily blow your chances with a girl by committing one of these highly unsavory faux pas?
You wouldn’t, at least not if I can help it.
But getting back to the feet thing – or rather, toenail thing – let’s be real here. I’m horrified that I have to write about something so vile, but apparently dudes are not getting the memo that having feet that resemble talons is highly unsexy to most females. Strike that – to all females.
Common sense dictates that if the weather is warm enough for you to ditch socks and shoes in favor of some flip flop action (*Miss Wingman note: Notice I didn’t say “sandal” action. I’m strongly anti-Mandals), then your toes will be on display for all the world to see.
So please, for the love of God, put the “man” back in “manicure” and clean your act up, boys.
Use some clippers, trim some hair, hell – even throw on some moisturizer if you’re feeling a little crazy that day. Just do some maintenance, I beg of you. I’m not suggesting you hit up a nail salon (Women judge you for that. Don’t let any of them tell you differently), but sometimes a professional is required to work that sh*t out. Do what you must, we’ll look the other way.
And if you do all that and your little piggies still look like they didn’t only go to the market, but they also got run over by an 18-wheeler on the way home, then perhaps opt for some closed-toe shoes instead. Sperry’s or Converse are a solid summer substitute.
One last thing to really nail my point home (pun intended!). This goes for fingernails, too. If I had a dollar for every time I was on the subway and I saw a guy grab the pole with fingernails so long they could only be suitable for drug sniffing, well…I wouldn’t have to take the subway, let’s just put it that way. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: no one wants to look like Wolverine, and women don’t want to date that, either (unless we’re talking about Hugh Jackman).
Why? Because it’s classic (hey it worked for James Dean didn’t it?) but more importantly it masks your enormous sweat stains. Sure, they might still be there, but at least we can’t see them. Not a huge revelation, but an important one.
And finally – the topic of eyewear. Miss Wingman will do a full rundown of female-friendly frame styles down the road, but in the meantime just take this advice: No one should ever wear a sunglasses strap (otherwise known as Croakies). Ever. Under any circumstances. Not even if you’re a sport fisherman on the Discovery Channel.
True story: when I first started dating a former boyfriend, he owned this heinous accessory. Upon discovering it, I promptly made it disappear, and would keep hiding it every time it resurfaced. Why? Because it looks ridiculous. What are you really telling the world when you wear it, that you can’t be bothered to put your shades in your pocket when you take them off? Is the weather that blustery that they’re at risk of just flying right off your face?
My hatred of Croakies is second only to my disdain for Crocs, but I’m not alone in that sentiment. Sure there will be men among you who will plead your pro-Croakies case, but trust me on this one – we hate them.
So that’s it – warm weather wisdom for wooing women. (I should get an award for most alliteration for that sentence). I’ve sacrificed my eyesight for the greater good, but I did it out of love. Ever tried to Google image search “long fingernails”? You can’t un-see that stuff. Now kindly heed these suggestions in your pursuit of a summer romance. And remember: You should always put your best foot forward with the ladies, but there’s nothing wrong with it being a well-manicured one.