SPOON US, GODDAMN IT. SCIENCE SAYS SO.

Onedirectionprefss Tumblr

Onedirectionprefss Tumblr

Because nothing’s more appealing than waking up with “dead arm” or peeling her face off of your sweaty chest, now you have even more reason to spoon your woman while you sleep. Or at least, be forced to sleep in some cuddle-like formation. Why? Because science, duh.

Researchers at the University of Hertfordshire (admit it, it sounds way more sophisticated than where you went to school) surveyed 1,000 couples about their sleeping positions, and what they found was that 94% of couples who slept touching one another were happy in their relationships, while a measly 68% of couples who didn’t sleep touching each other reported being satisfied in their relationships.

What’s more, of the couples who said they sleep with less than an inch separation from their partner, 86% of them said they were happy, while only 66% of couples who admitted to sleeping “more than 30 inches from their partner” reported being happy in their relationships.

So basically, spoon us, motherf*%#ers. Or else.

What’s so compelling about this study, other than the fact that way too many people are sleeping with nearly 3 feet between them – seriously, is one of you in a loft? are there bunkbeds? please explain – is that the most popular sleeping position for couples is back to back.

Granted, Miss Wingman doesn’t have a PhD in behavioral science, but maybe this is part of the reason why so many marriages end in divorce. As someone who has been in a past relationship where my partner literally did not acknowledge my physical presence while we slept, I can attest to the physical-distance-to-emotional-distance correlation. When the person you share a bed with doesn’t even throw the occasional arm over you or pull you in close, it makes you feel cold – in a way that pulling the covers up around you won’t fix.

So even though I’ve extolled the virtues of not cuddling us too much before (seriously, there’s a fine line between affection and neediness), allow me to make one caveat – especially while you sleep. Or wake up. Morning sex is pretty stellar, too (so I hear, in case you’re reading this, Mom).

Best case scenario, it ends in a little unexpected romp. Worst case, she complains about you poking her in the back. Either way, it doesn’t require much of you to just reach out.

If you’re lucky enough to be sleeping next to someone you care about, who may or may not be naked in case you need an added incentive, you’re luckier than you think. And your touch could be more meaningful than you think, too. Then you can rest easy knowing that your partner feels really, really loved.GEEK WINGMAN

Facebook Twitter

MORE TEXT MESSAGE MISTAKES MEN MAKE

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times: it’s easy to blow it via text.

On the one hand, texting should work in your favor. Guys with Average Joe looks but who have above average wit can make themselves more attractive during these digital dalliances. But on the flip side, guys who were otherwise attractive-slash-marginally-well-spoken can shoot themselves in the foot if they exhibit less than stellar text etiquette.

It’s a Catch-22 if you don’t know how to play it.

Face it, texting isn’t going anywhere any time soon. It’s the sole form of communication for singles, and in an age when actually (gasp!) calling someone is considered borderline stalker behavior, you need your cell game to be on point, gentlemen.

So as a tandem argument to the no body part photos and no emojis rule (Seriously, are you a 12-year-old girl? No? Then cut it out with the smiley faces), allow Miss WIngman to offer up one more caveat: the two week rule. That’s right, 14 days – give or take – is all you have to hold our attention before we assume you’re indifferent about us. Anything longer and we’ll think you have better offers on the table.

If you’ve been texting a girl for two weeks since meeting her and you still haven’t played the “So when can I see you again?” card, you may be dead where you stand. Barring any extenuating work/family/travel circumstances, that is. Make plans to hang out, or just. stop. texting.

Why? Because back and forth banter has a shelf life, bro. If we wanted a f**king pen pal, we’d still be exchanging letters with Suki, our Japanese exchange student from 4th grade. If she wasn’t willing to go out with you, she wouldn’t have responded to your texts. In fact, she’s probably waiting for you to pull the trigger. A telltale sign of digits offered up out of politeness or guilt would be radio silence after you reach out, so don’t sweat it.

And finally, the lengthy breaks that typically accompany this type of lazy exchange make it hard to remember what we were even talking about to begin with (Scrolling all the way up? Bitch please.) I’ve had easier to follow conversations with my 3-year-old nephew, and he speaks like an ESL student most of the time. So if you don’t want to send the message that you’re luke warm about her, take some initiative, man. She may or may not be as cute/normal/fun as you remember, but there’s only one way to find out.ETIQUETTE WINGMAN

Facebook Twitter

GIRL FACTS: SPRING EDITION

New season, new crop of Girl Facts for your reading enjoyment. And if you’ve never been schooled before, perhaps a refresher wouldn’t hurt.

Girl Fact: We love breaking out the miniskirts and sundresses as much as you love seeing them for the first time all season. Hell yeah, springtime.

Girl Fact: Unless we actually play golf, we don’t like watching golf on TV. I don’t care how amusing Bubba Watson is, most women view watching golf like watching paint dry.

Girl Fact: Where we sit in a restaurant, what car we step onto in the subway, etc. are decisions often dictated by the concentration of good-looking guys in that proximity. (Especially on the overcrowded 6 train. Hey, they don’t call them “crushes” for nothing).

Girl Fact: We listen to the way you introduce us to significant people in your life. Please choose your words wisely.

Girl Fact: It’s really important to us that your best friend and your pet like us. Winning their approval should be almost as important as winning you over, if we’re serious about you.

Girl Fact: Many of us have no feminine issues at all…but we know that the mere mention of them will be an airtight excuse that you guys will be too horrified to question.

Girl Fact: We love when you make as much eye contact with us as possible (but not in a Steve Martin, “Baby Mama” kind of way).

Girl Fact: We know we really like you when something small, like making dinner together or taking a walk with you is all we need to enjoy your company. The best relationships are easy.

Girl Fact: We know if you check out other women in our presence. Even if it’s not a full-scale head turn, we notice. Every time.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Facebook Twitter