AN OPEN LETTER TO THE 300 SANDWICHES COUPLE

sandwich

While Miss Wingman isn’t usually one for jumping on the pile when the Internets decide to turn on someone (having been on the bottom of that pile myself before), sometimes I can’t help it. Case in point, the 300 sandwiches story.

Not since the 40 Days of Dating stupidity has a couple earned so much of my ire. For those of you who’ve managed to escape the food-related fodder, here’s what you missed…

Woman – who, conveniently, also happens to be a reporter at Page Six – has a boyfriend that likes to cook and has a weird thing for sandwiches. So much so that he begins every day by asking her how long she’s been awake, and when she says, “About 15 minutes,” he responds with, “You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?”

Ugh, I f***king know. It gets worse.

So the woman gives in one day and decides to make him a sandwich (sadly, not a knuckle one like he deserves). A sandwich so apparently amazing that he exclaimed – and I’m horrified that this is a direct quote – “Babes, this is delicious! You’re 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!”

Jesus. Christ. If you haven’t just vomited on your keyboard, stay with me.

Now rather than using the knife she just sliced the bread with to play target practice with his junk, she chose to take on that “challenge” of making this dickwad 300 sammies so he’d finally put a ring on it. And, because the world is full of opportunistic, fame-whoring, truly awful people, to blog about it until it went viral.

Recently, she outed her identity and wrote a piece called “I’m 124 Sandwiches Away From An Engagement Ring.” Which, if it’s possible, is even more odious than him calling her “babes.”

Stephanie Smith – that’s her name – justified this endeavor by explaining that, “to him, sandwiches are like kisses or hugs. Or sex.” She said that he believes that “sandwiches are love…you can’t get a sandwich with love from the deli.”

She also pointed out that she sped up the initial 1-sandwich-a-day strategy after she realized that she’d be well into the twilight of her childbearing years before she hit 300 and homeboy finally locked it down (she’s in her mid-thirties.) The horror. So, yeah. That’s it. All caught up. Now if you’ll kindly indulge me while I respond…

Dear Stephanie and Eric,

I know, it sucks to be on the receiving end of so many people calling you a f**king idiot. But, that’s only because you’re acting like f**king idiots. Seriously, what’d you expect to happen?

But while everyone else is content to ream you out for being antifeminist and chauvinistic, I’ll instead offer what I believe is the explanation for your actions. Because at the core of it, Stephanie, I think you’re just afraid of being alone, so you became an enabler. And Eric, while I realize that no man would willingly ever turn down 300 sandwiches, I’m going to side with the crowd here – you actually are chauvinistic. And, frankly, kind of a douche.

Any guy that would make a comment like, “You’ve been up for 15 minutes and haven’t made me a sandwich yet?” joking or not, has something wrong with the wiring in his brain to allow him to form such a thought. Or, he really didn’t mean it, and his verbal filter is so broken that he actually spoke a phrase like that out loud. Neither option’s preferable.

But FYI, your girlfriend owes you nothing. Women don’t earn your commitment – not through food, or blowjobs, or whatever rewards system you believe to be justified. You give the person you love things like respect and commitment because they’re worthy of it. Even if she doesn’t believe that she is herself. Which is the only possibility I can come up with for why Stephanie went along with such an asinine suggestion. She was so desperate to fulfill your happiness that she placed it ahead of her own.

Better to drowsily craft towering patty melts at the end of a long day like some Stepford Julia Child than admit that you’re dating a moron and go back to being single. I’d call her an indentured servant in heels, but she’s hardly being forced into the setup. It’s all just so sad, really.

So perhaps you two deserve each other. I hope that one day men and women will realize that you’re truly better off alone than with someone who doesn’t appreciate you, doesn’t compliment who you are as a person, or doesn’t believe that you – exactly as you are, imperfections and all – are, simply put, enough.

May we all learn something from this distasteful (no pun intended) episode. Good luck to you both. And Stephanie, try spinning it another way. You’re 124 sandwiches away from freedom, girl. F**king run.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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CRAZY WINGMAN: THE TOP 5 MOST DISTURBING THINGS I’VE HEARD LATELY

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing this blog. I poke fun at the things that warrant mockery, make light of those universal love themes with which we all struggle, and occasionally even help the men of America. It’s an outstanding gig.

But one of the unintended side effects of running this site is that it has opened the door to people telling me all sorts of batsh*t crazy things that they’ve done, someone’s done to them, or things that they swear they’d never do (and are obviously lying, duh).

So I thought it only fair to compile a list for your reading enjoyment to illustrate what I deal with on a daily basis. Consider it a Pandora’s box of Have-You-No-Shame? Also, try not to let it give you nightmares.

Some of the most disturbing stories come from Miss Wingman’s inner circle, thus aren’t for public consumption. But if I were a less loyal person, I’d demonstrate just how degenerate the company I keep is – so consider yourselves (and you know who you are) lucky.

5- To the newlywed male who, right before the big day, lamented having to get married by saying, “Soooo…I guess that’s it then?” I say to you: Yes. Yes that’s typically the idea behind marriage, ironically enough. Also, I hope you were joking.

4- To the girl who accepted a date with a fabulous guy and then, after they nailed down plans, said to him “You’re lucky. I gave you a Thursday. Hope you’re impressive,” I say to you: Please stop speaking. It’s arrogant, chicken-headed remarks like this that give the rest of us women a bad name.

3- To the dude who ditched his fiance for another woman, then when he grew tired of hooking up with Other Woman decided to woo ex-fiance back only to eventually tell her “Nah, I’m going to move abroad for a while. I think I was right the first time,” (after all of her friends and family alienated her for taking him back), I say: You are the reason why women are so insecure. May I suggest moving as far away as humanly possible? I hear Guam’s nice.

2- To the TRULY DESPICABLE married guy who doesn’t even bother taking his wedding ring off when he goes out to pick up women, because he tells them he’s a widow whose wife died of ovarian cancer (and then he gets sympathy ass because of it), I say to you: On behalf of all women, if I ever meet you face to face you better hope your junk-protecting reflexes are quick. Also, on behalf of anyone who’s been affected by cancer, I say: If karma exists, you’re definitely coming back in your next life as a toilet seat. And, I’d look both ways before crossing the street if I were you. It’d be a shame if you were taken out by a bus…

And finally, 1- This. I pray to God that this is wrong. Sweet Jesus, please let this be a mistake. But if it’s not, I’m moving to Seattle. Or someplace where they don’t wear sunglasses very often. PS, this does NOT serve as vindication for those of you ardent supporters who have been harassing me lately. It just means that miserable style loves company.

An honorable mention should go out to the other most disturbing thing I’ve seen this week, this clip of a girl so distraught by the news of the “Twilight” chick cheating on her boyfriend that she is inconsolable.

Oh the legions of heart broken, black nail polish-wearing tweens who are grieving right now. I don’t know what I’m more disturbed by, her level of anxiety at around 3 minutes in, or the fact that the guy KStew cheated with was a married father of two. Classy.

So that’s it, kids. Despite all the buckets of crazy that get hurled at me every day, I do believe that people are fundamentally good, and that you can actually find a loving, non-dysfunctional relationship. You just have to sift through the shameless riff raff to get there. So keep the faith, and here’s to making the dig as painless as possible. Cheers –MW.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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