OH MY GOD THIS. SO MUCH OF THIS.

Holy shit, someone just came up with the best dude invention ever. Granted, you might argue that Miss Wingman is wrong, since it involves some pain on your part to facilitate more happiness on ours (suck it up, fellas), but I disagree. This. Is. Amazing.

So what is this miracle product?

Oh, just sandpaper…for your face. FTW? Stop being a pussy, bro, and listen up. A company called The Soft Goat (I won’t even ask) just solved the skin-chafing problem caused by your razor stubble after you get up close and personal with that girl you’ve been talking to lately. You know, where she comes away from that kissing session looking like her skin just went through a cheese grater? Right. Not a good look for us.

The blotchiness-prevention trick comes in the form of a hypoallergenic foam pad layered with abrasive paper. But don’t worry, the designers spent years honing the coarseness to find just the right balance between effectively stubble-softening, and won’t rip open your skin.

By rubbing the “sandpaper” over your stubble, the prickly edges get rounded down, much like what happens when two pieces of sandpaper are rubbed together. But don’t use it on just shaved skin or attempt it on a full beard, it’s not designed to handle that – and neither are you. 

The Soft Goat

The Soft Goat

So, why sandpaper and not something less…medieval sounding? Traditional products like beard oils or conditioning agents are made to soften the longer hairs of your beard, but don’t work on stubble. Additionally, lotions and creams are no match for your 5 o’clock shadow, however it’s been groomed. Just keep the lotion in your nightstand where it belongs, boys.

Kidding. Definitely don’t do that.

The scruff and goatee softener comes in a box of three and retails for $11.99 – a small price to pay for the gratitude she’ll feel when she can makeout with you without looking like she just ate shellfish and broke into hives. Consider this payback for all of the “Beauty is pain” rituals we put ourselves through for your benefit, gentlemen. And hey, if you (don’t) scratch our backs, we might be more inclined to scratch yours.DAPPER WINGMAN

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WELL-GROOMED WINGMAN: A NEW NAME IN THE SHAVING GAME

Stop right there. Put down your flimsy plastic or over-priced razor, wipe the shave foam from your hands, and back away from the sink slowly, boys.

Good. Now listen up, because there’s a new option in the shaving world that’s too cutting edge to ignore. (Sorry, sometimes the puns are just too easy).

If not for your sake, then for the sake of sensitive female skin everywhere. We love you, gentlemen, but we hate your sandpaper scruff.

Now I know I’ve written extensively about playoff beards and Bic’ing bald spots, but I couldn’t resist this latest one. From the minds that brought you Warby Parker, those philanthropic, moderately priced hipster glasses, comes a new business venture: Harry’s. It’s fresh, it’ll make you less hairy (Zing!) and it comes in modern, cool packaging. You just can’t ask for more than that. Or can you?

At Harry’s, they’re all about getting a good shave at a fair price. Oh, and giving back, too. Harry’s donates a razor blade or dollar equivalent to a charitable organization every time a pack of blades is bought.

Warby co-founder Jeff Raider and his partner, Andy Katz-Mayfield, have gone from frames to grooming fame with the introduction of this new venture. They offer two different styles of handles, the Winston and the Truman. Which incidentally would also make kickass names for a pair of dogs. (But don’t make me call “Shotgun!” on you).

The Winston is aluminum and runs for an affordable $20, and it’s handsome brother, the Truman, is constructed of zinc and polymer and is a much cheaper date at just $10 a pop. Both handles can be purchased with shaving cream and a set of three blades for $25 and $15, respectively.

The biggest draw of Harry’s is the common sense appeal to their customer base: They provide a better shaving experience than cheap, disposable blades without over-paying for futuristic blade technology that no one understands anyway.

Men’s mags are describing the razors as “heavy, sturdy and comfortable in the hand.” Incidentally, only one of those adjectives can be used to explain what they look for in a woman, too. In response to that descriptor, Miss Wingman feels the need to add, “That’s what she said, we like all three.”

D*ck jokes, gentlemen. They never get old.

The bladeheads come in at $2 each (or less, depending on order size), and there are typically five blades in each “head.” The razor boasts a “lubricated strip and a flexible hinge to match the contours of your face and to minimize bleeding-related incidents.” Their shave cream will run you $8 per 100mL, and is made of coconut oil, vitamin E, Peppermint and Eucalyptus oils.

Just in case you were wondering.

So move over, Dollar Shave Club ads, because there’s a new shaving sheriff in town, and one that lets you save face, too.

And finally, if you were planning on getting creative with your facial hair, fellas, better read this first. Better safe than sorry. Good luck lathering up, have fun, and may the grooming Gods be ever in your favor.DAPPER WINGMAN

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