GIRL FACTS: HOLIDAY EDITION

It’s a Christmas miracle, Wingman faithful – the return of “Girl Facts.” I know how much you were hoping to find this under the tree this year, so consider me the Santa of sarcastic blog wisdom.

So far we’ve gone over secrets of our undergarments, signs we like you, how to tell if we like sports, seasonal-themed facts, and a host of others. This time around we’re dealing with holiday girl facts. Let the enlightening begin.

Girl Fact: If you give us a gift and you want to know if we REALLY like it, don’t listen to a word we say. Just watch our faces very closely in the first few seconds when we open your present. Even the best poker face will reveal some sign of an authentic reaction.

Girl Fact: We start stressing over our New Year’s Eve plans as soon as December hits. No matter if we say we don’t care about it, some part of us will have even the smallest momentary panic about what we’ll do, with whom, and where we’ll go. You can pretty much count on that.

Girl Fact: Even if we hate holiday crowds, we love that shopping for gifts gives us an added excuse to JUST SHOP. We may act exhausted, but there was a dopamine high somewhere in that credit card swipe. It’s in our DNA.

Girl Fact: If we’re not dating anyone steadily, in the winter months we’re lucky if we shave our legs once a week. Don’t judge us – we have a lot more surface area to cover than you.

Girl Fact: Even if we say we don’t care what you get us for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa (?) or Festivus – you can bet your life that at some point we’ve dropped you a hint on what we really want. Were you paying attention?

Girl Fact: We call in reinforcements if we don’t know what to get you for a present. And we prep our own inner circle just in case you do, too.

Girl Facts: We’re fighting an uphill battle to look cute this time of year. Static hair, sniffling noses and coats that look like sleeping bags. So if we look disheveled when you see us, do yourselves a favor and don’t point it out.

Girl Fact: If you hook up with us at a holiday party and are actually interested in keeping the ball rolling, don’t wait to text or call us afterward. Sledding, ice skating, or going for hot chocolate/cider are all great winter date ideas, so pick up the phone boys.

Girl Fact: We either irrationally love Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” or violently hate it. For your sake, here’s hoping your woman is in the latter category.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

And don’t forget: If you’re having trouble finding the right gift for her this year, I’m here to help. MISS WINGMAN IS AVAILABLE FOR CONSULTATIONS via phone/Skype and, geography permitting, accompanying men on their shopping excursions. I’ll make sure your gift is perfectly suited for her, for a small fee, and you just make sure to take all the credit (wink). Email me at misswingman@gmail.com for more details.

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