Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to speak.

I awoke this morning ready to delve into one writing topic that had been swirling around in my head. Then I saw this ridiculous article, and I had to respond. It’s written by John Corrigan – Temple University college student, budding columnist, and certifiable jackass. Please, take a moment to read his mindless drivel – this post will make a lot more sense if you do.

Go on, do it. I’ll wait…

OK then. For the truly lazy or time constrained, I’ll give you the Cliff Notes version. Kid has girlfriend. Kid’s girlfriend, by virtue of being female, has her period. Kid decides to write about this “phenomenon” as if he has some brilliant dude wisdom to impart on other males. Kid pats himself on the back. The end.

Honestly, judging by the author’s photo, I’m still stuck on how he even got a girl to sleep with him at all. But I digress…

Photo courtesy: Temple News

Rarely will you hear Miss Wingman write about things as private and, frankly, icky as periods, bodily functions, or bathroom-related humor on here. Why? Because I believe certain things are better left unsaid. Plus, I believe in preserving a modicum of girliness and tact. Also, it’s lazy. Never go for the cheap laugh – and that’s what low brow humor is all about.

But for you, John Corrigan, I make an exception.

Newsflash, man: There is no brilliant wisdom in there. There is, however, a lot of juvenile stereotyping. “You better duck those mood swings or else she’ll knock you out. When your girlfriend suffers, you sure will, too.”

(*Chuckling to myself*) Oh John. Silly, sil-ly, foolish little John. If there’s one thing I KNOW, it’s that your girlfriend in particular must suffer enough, just by virtue of holding that title.

Also, it’s that no male was left better off having read your column (which is loathsomely close to the title of my own, grrr). And females? We learned everything we need to know on the subject from Judy Blume books, health class and years of experience. So sit down, junior.

Here’s what I would tell men about their girlfriends/wives/sisters/females in close proximity’s time of the month. Get out your pencils, boys, and take some notes.

1. It’s nothing that guys “deal with.” On the contrary, we’re the ones dealing with it. Are you the one using a tampon and taking Midol? No? Then shut the f**k up. Please, and thank you.

2. For many women, and I fall into that category, it’s just a thing that we manage. A minor detail. An afterthought, really. It doesn’t cause violent mood swings, bouts of hysterical tears or moments of pure rage. Men often cause those things though. Hormones? Eh, only occasionally.

3. For some of the female population, a statistically smaller but highly unlucky group, their period causes real agony. Like, doubled over in pain, nauseous, unmanageable discomfort. I first learned this being around other women in college – and I felt really, really badly for them. And you should too. Where’s your sensitivity? Dick.

4. The way to cajole sexual favors out of your girlfriend during this week of circling the no fly zone is NOT to make her feel like a pariah or guilt trip her for neglecting your needs. Or to write about it publicly. Good strategy, bro. Let me know how that works out for you. And finally…

5. Do all women a favor and approach our time of the month in the following way: Yes, we have it. No, we know you’ll never really understand it. No, we don’t need you to tiptoe around us. And yes, we think it’s better not to talk about it either.

Oh and one last thing: Please discontinue use of all ridiculous menstrual euphemisms. Like visits from Aunt Flo. Or riding the crimson wave. Or several others that are so vulgar and unsavory that I won’t repeat them because it simply wouldn’t be ladylike. Here’s hoping you learned something, boys. And that a meteor falls on that kid’s dorm room. Cheers  –MW.THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

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